


The Bind That Ties

by cheeky_blinders



Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Genre: Arranged Marriage, Gen, Jews - Freeform, NSFW, Religion, Smut, This fic has become my baby, judiasm, so please do let me know if you enjoy it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2020-06-24 06:54:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 47,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19718479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cheeky_blinders/pseuds/cheeky_blinders
Summary: What happens when you are forced into an arranged marriage with the gang leader, Alfie Solomons? A story about finding yourself, courage, and possibly love.





	1. Chapter 1

Marriage. Who knew a single word could have so much power? It could unite families but it could also tear them apart. It could bring people the utmost pleasure but also bring complete hopelessness and despair. You were in the latter category. Hopelessness and despair. Only a week ago, you had been notified by your father that you would marry the notorious Camden Town gang leader, Alfie Solomons. When asked why, your father simply brushed your questions aside and locked himself in his study to drink. 

It was your mother who explained why. Your father had done some sort of deal with Solomons concerning money, Solomons had not been able to pay back in time so your father offered to forgive the debt if Solomons married you. Your father was desperate after the shame your brother had brought upon your family. Two years ago, your brother had run off with a Christian woman and converted to Christianity. Your father cut all ties to your brother after that. Your father must have felt that this was the only way you would get married was if the man had no choice because no right minded Jew would marry a girl whose brother did something that horrific.

You had begged and pleaded with your father, urging for him to reconsider, that there must be some other way. Your father’s mind was made up and the wedding was promptly scheduled, the temple booked, food ordered, and a dress created. The gown that had been picked for you was stunning. pure white with lace shoulders and long lace sleeves. The front curved down in a v shape and around your neck rested a silver chain with a blue topaz on it that had belonged to your grandmother. The dress touched the floor and at the bottom, it was covered in white lace as well. When you had tried the dress on in the shop, it took all your self-control not to break down in sobs.

Your whole life had been preparing you for marriage. You mother taught you all the skills that every wife should know. How to knit, how to make the best challah, how to cook, clean and so on. While you had always wanted more from life, you never had the chance to go out and truly learn. You had been told that you would be a good, obedient wife so that was what you would be.

You had sometimes dared to envision what married life would be like, married to a wonderful man who was warm, gentle, considering and who loved you with all his heart. Your daydreams never included being forced into a marriage to a man you did not love or even know. The thought of running away had crossed your mind but where would you go? You lived with your parents and had no real money to your name. Plus, if you ran away, you would bring more dishonor to your family and would never be able to see your mother and father again, something you were unwilling to risk. 

So here you were, wearing your wedding dress, walking down the aisle to where at the end, stood Alfie under the chuppah. The chuppah was a large piece of cloth that had 4 poles attached to the corners and the poles were held by powerful men in the temple. This was where all Jews would get married for it represented the house that the two would share and had been passed down through generations. This particular chuppah had belonged to your family for 5 generations.

You reached Alfie and the two of you faced the rabbi who would be performing the ceremony. The rabbi said the first prayer and you turned to face Alfie as the rabbi then told a story about Rebecca and Jacob from the Torah. When Jacob first met Rebecca, she had her face covered and it was a modern-day symbol that the man was marrying the woman not for her beauty but for who she truly was. Alfie reached forward then as directed and lifted the veil smoothly off your face, settling it behind your head. When your eyes met, Alfie gave a half-hearted smile which you returned meekly. As you turned to face the rabbi once more, you continued to glance out of the corner of your eye to gaze at Alfie. He seemed to have a nice enough face but all you really could see was the profile. He had a beard and mustache which were trimmed back (probably for the wedding) but other than that, you could not see much of his face. His body was well built and almost appeared that his suit was too tight for his large muscles.

The ceremony was a simple one and made up of close friends and family. Promises were exchanged and vows were made. As the ceremony drew closer to the end, your stomach began to twist itself into knots. It was almost done. You were almost married to this complete stranger. When it came time for the kiss, you and Alfie turned to face each other. This was not your first kiss but you still felt just as anxious as you did with your first kiss. Alfie leaned forward, cupping your cheek as gentle as a lamb and his lips connected with yours. You weren’t quite sure what you were expecting but the kiss was brief and tender which you were grateful for at least. The rabbi said the final blessing and gave Alfie a shot glass. Placing it on the ground, Alfie stomped on it, shattering the glass. In Jewish tradition, this represented good luck. “Mazle tov!” People roared as they stood, applauding and cheering. You didn’t know how they could be so happy. Didn’t they know that this was the last thing you wanted?

Alfie offered you his hand which you took silently, forcing a thin smile. Alfie’s hand was massive and it engulfed yours as he led you back down the aisle. The photographer was there and demanded a photo of the two of you. You stepped next to Alfie as his arm softly snaked around your waist, the two of you putting on a smile as the photo was taken.

The reception was held in the temple so everybody simply had to make their way over. As people shuffled in, you and Alfie stood at the door, greeting them and thanking them for the good wishes. Men shook Alfie’s hand while the women kissed your cheek, everybody congratulating you on the ceremony. Once everybody was inside and at their assigned seats, you and Alfie went to the front of the room where the table was set for the bride and groom and their immediate family. Alfie only had one nephew who sat next to him while you had your mother and father. Your father stood then, raising a glass of champagne

“L’Chayim!” Your father toasted, meaning “to life”. “May the two of you have a blessed and happy marriage. May you never know what hunger is or what sadness is. May God bless you and your children to a ripe old age. To Mr. and Mrs. Solomons!” Everybody raised their glasses and toasted you and Alfie. You took your glass and lightly clinked it to Alfie’s before taking a meager sip. “Now, let’s have the bride and groom dance!” Your father declared. Alfie offered you his hand which you took and the two of you moved out onto the dance floor. A simple slow song started up and your hand slid into Alfie’s grasp while his hand slid around your waist once more. When you were ready, Alfie led you in a simple box step.

“I’m ‘fraid I don’t do much dancing. Bad leg.” Alfie murmured as the two of you moved about the dance floor.

“That’s alright. I don’t do much dancing either.” You answered, eyes focusing over Alfie’s shoulder so you didn’t have to stare at him. Looking at him would make this all real. Perhaps you could pretend this was all just a bad dream.

“Are you alright?” Your eyes flickered to Alfie’s face when he asked this question and you were unsure if you read concern or if you were imagining it.

“Yes.” Was your simple reply and your eyes moved back to look above Alfie’s shoulder.

“I know that this isn’t exactly the best situation, hell, it’s a fucking bad situation but I’ll treat you good. I promise. It’s the least I can do since I’m the bastard who got you into this situation.” Alfie said a minute later.

“Thank you, Mr. Solomons.” After that, Alfie gave up speaking and when the dance finished, the two of you went back to your seats. More toasts were made, dances were danced but neither you or Alfie said a word to each other. 

Eventually, you excused yourself and went to the library in the temple. You had grown up in this synagogue and you had always loved to come to the library after prayer. Starting you, you would look at the pictures for hours then once you learned how to read, you would read the bigger books. You had always loved reading and the books brought you solace throughout the years. 

This was where you finally allowed yourself to cry, to really truly cry. You were now married to a man you hardly knew, having only heard rumors about how fierce and terrifying Alfie was. This was not the first time you had met him, however, now that you thought about it. You had met him once, about five years ago, when Alfie came over to the house to talk business with your father. You knew your father worked with alcohol and drabbled in other illegal activities but you had never been allowed to know that since your father wanted to protect his family. You had tried to listen in on the conversation but the two men had gone into the study and there was only the murmur of voices. That was the one and only time you had seen Alfie Solomons.

Thinking of your father brought you back to the present. Damn him! Damn my father and his greed! You thought bitterly as your tears slid down your cheeks. Your head fell into your hands as tears slid down into your hands. 

Unbeknownst to you, Alfie had been looking for you and entered the library upon seeing you. He sat down next to you, reaching out and touching your shoulder. You looked up at the man who was now your husband. “Sorry,” You mumbled as you seized the tissue box from nearby and began to wipe your tears away swiftly. 

“Let me.” Alfie tenderly took the tissue from your hand and began to wipe your face clean of tears. “I’m sorry to be the cause of those tears.” He told you as he wiped the mascara that had gotten smudged. 

“How much did you owe my father?” The question had been bugging you since you had found out about the whole situation but your father would not tell you.

“Owed him 25,000.”

“Glad to see I’m worth 25,000 pounds.” You muttered, giving a weak chuckle as you took back the tissue and finished wiping your cheeks. “Is it obvious that I’ve been crying?” You asked and Alfie shook his head.

“No...you look quite beautiful.” He murmured and you gave another half-hearted smile.

“We should go back.” You announced and stood, leading the way out of the library and back to the reception room. 

Time passed and the night gradually grew to a close. People began to leave, wishing you the final congratulations before heading out. Once it was just your parents left, it was time for you and Alfie to bid farewell to them. You got changed out of your wedding dress and into a simple blue dress and black flats. Your things had been packed into Alfie’s car that was waiting and your mother gave you a final hug goodbye. “I love you so much, Mother.” You whispered into her ear as she clutched you close to her.

“I love you too, my sweet thing. I am so very sorry about what is happening.” She pressed a kiss to your cheek then and pulled away. You waved goodbye a final time, ignoring your father, as you climbed into the car with Alfie and he drove off.

Staring out the window, you watched the night fly by. You were going to be living in Camden town in part of London. You had been to London before but never to Camden. Alfie lived in a modest enough house, you had been told but that was it. “Are there a lot of Jews in Camden?” You asked after a bit.

“Huh? Oh yeah, tons. There’s a temple real close to the house too if you want to go there.” You nodded, pressing your cheek against the chilly window. A new temple. That would be a new experience for you since you had always been at the same synagogue your whole life. You knew the whole congregation and they knew you. Now you would have to start from scratch. 

“Do you go to services often?”

“Not really. Don’t have that good of a relationship with God, y’know. That’s what happens when you fight in the fucking war. Makes you question how there even is a God when you see kids being blown up and screaming in pain. How could any god let that happen?” Alfie shook his head. “Do you go often?”

“Yes, I find that it brings me comfort.” You answered.

“Ah...well, as I said, the synagogue is close by so you can go whenever you want.” The conversation lulled then and the car stayed soundless till you reached Alfie’s house. The two of you got out and went to the trunk, pulling out your three suitcases. “Didn’t bring much, eh?” Alfie asked as you grabbed two and he got the other.

“I didn’t have much.” You admitted as you followed him up the steps. “I just have my clothing, some books of mine, and a few other personal things.” As Alfie let you in and he flicked on the light, you looked about this new place that would be your home. The first thing your eyes landed on was a staircase leading to the second floor. Down the hall, you spotted the kitchen and to the left of the stairs was the sitting room. You heard the sound of claws on the hardwood floor and the next thing you knew, a massive dog was running at you. The dog jumped onto you, causing you to stumble back into Alfie who caught you before pulling the dog off. 

“Cyril! Off, you fucking dog!” Alfie said as he pulled the dog’s collar to get the beast off of you. “This is Cyril. He’s a big fucking baby but he’s a good boy. Very loving as you can see. I hope you don’t mind dogs.” Alfie said as you knelt down, shaking your head no and then offering your hand to the dog. Alfie let go and Cyril trotted over, sniffing your hand for a moment before he began to lick your face. As you greeted the dog, Alfie locked the door behind him then seized your bags and made his way up the stairs. You had no choice but to follow.

As you followed Alfie upstairs, your eye fell upon a modest enough second level. You spotted a bathroom as well as a bedroom as Alfie led you to his room. As your husband opened the door to his room, you stepped into the place that would be your home, looking around. In the center of the room was a great bed which had a dog bed at the foot of it on the ground. Scattered about were dog toys, some with stuffing missing that Alfie had never bothered to really put away. Cyril ran in and grabbed a squeaky toy and brought it to his bed as he began to chew on it, complete oblivious to the awkwardness that filled the room. Next to the bed was a nightstand and a lamp though there were no books or photos there, leaving it rather naked looking.. Against the wall, there was a dresser with a mirror hanging over it, a bookshelf with books thrown about in it and then a closet. On the dresser, you spotted a framed photo of Alfie and Cyril. Besides that, the room was plainly decorated. 

“I know it ain’t much but I hope it’s alright,” Alfie commented as he set down your suitcases. “I emptied the closet so you can put all your shit there if you want. Then you saw that the bathroom is down the hallway too.” 

Alfie made his way over to his dresser and pulled open a drawer, pulling out a pair of pajamas. Was he going to get changed or would the pajamas be after...it? As per tradition, a marriage needed to be consummated on the first night in order to be seen as true marriage in God’s eyes. Your stomach began to twist itself into knots once more at this realization. You had never had sex before and while your mother had told you about it, she had made it sound like a horror story, an experience filled with pain and blood. But it had to be done. As your hands began to shake, you began to unbutton your blouse, struggling with the buttons due to your hands trembling. Alfie turned around as you were doing this and his face turned into a face of confusion.

“What are you doing?”

“I...I…” Your words failed you and you sort of just motioned to Alfie and then to the bed. Realization dawned on Alfie’s face and he immediately shook his head, making his way over to you. “No, we aren’t going to do that night, (Y/N).” It was the first time Alfie had said your name. “I know that this isn’t what you want but we gotta try to make the best of it, yeah? But I would never force you to do somethin’ like that...especially somethin’ that personal, alright?” Your hands fell to your sides as relief rushed over you.

“Thank you.” You whispered then, looking down at your feet.

“Don’t thank me. I’m just trying to be a decent fucking human being. I’m going to go sleep in the guest room for tonight, yeah? Then tomorrow we can talk about this all and get things sorted. How does that sound?” When you nodded, Alfie whistled for Cyril and the two headed to the door.

“Goodnight!” You called to Alfie as he left. He paused, giving you a faint smile before closing the door behind him. Now that you had calmed a bit, you spent the next hour or so, unpacking your things. Dresses were hung up, shoes organized, books carefully set up. After this was all finished, there was nothing more you could do to procrastinate sleep so you washed up and climbed into pajamas then into the bed.

The bed smelled like Alfie which wasn’t necessarily a bad smell, a mixture of cigarettes and rum. It was just unfamiliar to you. Turning the light off, you pulled the blankets up around you as if they could protect you from the days that would come. Sleep did not come easily to you but your tears did. Your pillow was soon damp from tears. Eventually, you were just too worn out and anxious to sleep and you gave up. Climbing out of bed, you turned on the lamp before getting a book. At some point, sleep did come and you fell asleep, book clutched to your chest.


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning, you woke around 8:00 and laid in bed for a bit, staring up at the ceiling. You were married. Somehow you had gotten married. It was no longer a bad dream but it was the reality. The ring that was on your finger seemed to weigh a thousand pounds, a heavy reminder of what you were facing. Your grumbling stomach made you eventually leave the bed and you got dressed. It was a simple enough green dress that you slipped on a pair of black flats with before heading downstairs.

Alfie was there in the kitchen when you went in, drinking a cup of coffee with the newspaper in hand. Cyril, spotting you, jumped up and raced over to you, greeting you with kisses. At least there was a dog. Kneeling down, you scratched Cyril behind the ears for a few moments before standing. 

“Good-mornin',” Alfie commented as he set aside the paper to glance at you. “Sleep alright?”

“Yes, I did, thank you.” You answered as you went to the coffee pot sitting on the stove to pour yourself a cup. “Where...uh are the mugs?” You had no idea where anything was in this kitchen, now that you thought about it.

“Right above, over there,” Alfie answered, pointing to a shelf. You had to stand on your tiptoes but you grabbed a mug and poured yourself some coffee, adding a bit of sugar from the table before sitting down at the table with Alfie. 

“Are you working today?” You asked as your hands wrapped around your mug.

“Aye, have to go in for a bit to the bakery. Probably be there for the majority of the day.” Alfie said and you gave a nod, looking down at your coffee. “‘Fraid I don’t got much food in the house so if you are lookin’ for something to do or you get hungry, there’s a grocer ‘bout two blocks away that knows me. Buy whatever you want and he’ll put it on my tab.” Alfie glanced down at Cyril then who had settled himself back next to Alfie after greeting you. “I can leave Cyril with you if you want. He’s good company and everyone in Camden know him well so he can go wherever you go.” You nodded at the suggestion. Cyril could keep you company so you wouldn’t be alone at least. “Right well...I’ll write down the number of the bakery in case y’need something, alright?” Alfie finished his cup of coffee with a quick gulp before getting up, locating a pen and paper to which he wrote the number down.

“Thank you,” You told Alfie as he slid the slip across the table to you. Alfie paused for a moment then gave a nod before he went upstairs, presumably to finish getting ready for work. 

As you drank your coffee, you considered what you could do. From the sounds of, Alfie did not have much food in the house so you would need to buy that. He probably did not have any Challah so you would want to make that soon before the Sabbath. You began to make a mental list of what was needed by the time Alfie came back.

“Right so, I’ll see you in a bit, yeah?” You looked up as Alfie came into the kitchen, jacket and hat on.

“Yes, I’ll see you later.” You replied. Alfie gave a final nod before he left, the door closing behind him. And with that, you were alone.

You spent your morning going through Alfie’s kitchen, writing down what he needed food-wise. The place needed a solid cleaning too, you noticed and added that to your list of things you wished to get done. And so, that was what you spent your day doing, running errands.

You brought Cyril with you and like Alfie had said, everybody knew the dog and while they were friendly to Cyril, you were greeted with a rather different response. People would not speak to you unless they had to nor would they meet your gaze. It felt incredibly isolating to walk in a city where nobody would even look at you. Cyril was the only one who seemed to not care that you were Mrs. Solomons now. He just wanted to be scratched and given treats. Cyril had it so easy. 

When Alfie arrived home around 6:00 that night, you had managed to have a very productive day. The kitchen was now stocked with the appropriate Kosher food and the place had been cleared of all the dust. Items were now organized properly rather than being spread about the place in mayhem. As Alfie unlocked the door, you had just pulled the brisket from the oven. 

“Smells quite good,” Alfie called as you heard him taking off his jacket and hat. 

“Just in time too.” You replied as Alfie came into the kitchen. He looked a bit worn down from the day but you didn’t comment on it and instead carried the meat over to the table, setting it down. 

“Kitchen looks quite different,” Alfie commented as he went to the table then paused, looking rather uncertain for a moment before finally sitting down. He reached forward to serve himself as you reached down to serve him, your hands touching. “Do you want…” Alfie asked, gesturing awkwardly at the meat then to your plate,

“Oh uh no, I can do it.” You answered and Alfie withdrew his hands as you slid the meat onto his plate then onto yours. Alfie took the first bite and you watched as his nose and eyebrows scrunched up before he spat out the food into his napkin.

“This is fucking awful.” He muttered, taking a gulp of water to clean out his mouth. Your face paled at this, heart thundering in your chest. “It’s far too salty.” You cut up a piece and tried it yourself. Indeed, Alfie was right. You swallowed painfully before silently nodding. You picked up the plate and carried it over to the sink where you placed it down, taking a few deep breaths to settle yourself. You heard Alfie get up and he came over, touching your shoulder. “Hey now, it’s alright. It’s just a meal. Didn’t poison me or nothin’.” Alfie murmured. You nodded and pulled away from his touch.

“Give me a few minutes and I’ll make something else.” You muttered and Alfie let you go. Thankfully you were able to cook up a stir fry so it was not long before the food was ready. There was silence for a few minutes as the two of you ate, the two of you looking anywhere but at each other. The only sound heard was Cyril eating his dinner.

“This is quite good,” Alfie said finally, turning to actually look at you now.

“Thank you,” You replied softly. “It’s my mother’s recipe. She taught me how to cook from a young age. Said every good Jewish girl needed to know how to cook a proper meal.” While your mother had been firm with you growing up, she had always loved to cook and some of your fondest memories were of the two of you cooking together.

“What did you do today then?” Alfie asked and you glanced up to meet his eyes, wondering if he was being polite or if he was actually interested. Well, it was talking about that or sit in silence so you chose the latter. 

“Cyril and I went to the grocer as you mentioned and then did a few other errands, buying this and that. Just a few basic cleaning supplies really.” You didn’t bring up the treatment that you had received from the people. “Afterwards, I dropped Cyril off here and found a nearby synagogue.” You paused here to take a sip of your water but you also needed to get control of yourself. 

When you had walked in, the sight that greeted you was simple but nice. Entering the main room that contained the Torah Ark, a woman came over and introduced herself as Ester. You shook her hand, introducing yourself as (Y/N) Solomons. You watched as Ester’s smile slid from her face and she let go of your hand. When you asked about services, Ester told you the bare minimum of information. She was not rude to you but she certainly was standoffish. You guessed it was due to the fact of your last name. That you were Alfie’s wife. People were fearful of Alfie, you had discovered quickly that day. Due to this anxiety, they either treated you with the respect that stemmed from fright or tried to limit their communication with you to a minimum. That was what Ester had done.

Alfie’s words broke through your thoughts. “Did you like the synagogue?” He asked.

“Yes, it seemed nice enough.” You answered, setting your glass down. “They aren’t accepting any new members though so I left.” This was a lie. You couldn’t have survived in that temple or probably any other temple now that you were Alfie’s wife. 

“There’s other places ‘round here that you could go look at.” Alfie offered but you shook your head.

“No, I believe I’ll just stay at home and worship here. God hears us no matter where we are.” Alfie pursed his lips for a moment before nodding and once more the two of you fell back into silence. Your mind began to race, trying to think of something to talk about to try and ease the awkwardness in the room. There really had been nothing else about your day that would be worth discussing. “How was work?” You finally asked, deciding this was a safe enough topic.

“It was fine. Had a few meetings here and there. Didn’t need to threaten too many people today so that’s always a good sign.” Alfie chuckled and you gave an unsure smile, unsure if he was joking or serious. Something told you it was serious though. 

Dinner was finished in silence and Alfie took Cyril for a walk as you cleaned up and finished tidying up. It was only 7:00 by the time you had finished, far too early for bed. You went to your room, grabbing the book you had fallen asleep reading and went downstairs to where Alfie was. He was sitting at his desk, working on some sort of paperwork. You gave him a half-hearted smile as he looked up at you before sitting on the couch by the lamp.

So that was how you spent the first evening as a married couple. Alfie doing work and you reading. After that night, the two of you sort of fell into this pattern. Alfie would go off to work and you would find something to occupy you for the day, whether it be walking Cyril in parks, exploring Camden Town, or visiting a museum, then the two of you would come home where you had a quiet dinner and then would sit in the same room till bedtime. Never once did Alfie try to do anything romantic. He would simply wish you goodnight and leave.

As the days began to turn into weeks, Alfie seemed to have started adjusting to having you live with him. The man had lived by himself for quite some time and it was clear that he was used to taking care of himself. He did his own laundry but would forget about yours. When you asked him to set the table, he would occasionally set out only one set of dishes only to realize his mistake. The two of you shared a bathroom and Alfie at first would forget to clean up after himself after showering or after shaving. You did the majority of the cleaning too and when you had organized Alfie’s kitchen, it took him a few days to figure out where everything was because there was now a system. Alfie certainly was not a slob but more so an untidy person.

One night, about a week after you had been married, Alfie offered to go for a walk with you and Cyril which you accepted. That was where the two of you had your first real conversation. “I didn’t leave here my whole life, y’know. Well, I grew up in London but not Camden Town. Moved here when I was about 20 or so which is when I started the here business of mine. Now this town here, it’s fucking special. It was laid out as a residential district in some fucking year. Camden was an important place though during the development of the railroads cause we had access to water. Dunno much of what that actually means but it’s what I was told.” 

Alfie then proceeded to tell you more about the history of this town to which you listened to respectfully quiet. You discovered soon that Alfie was a man who could talk and he had a high tendency to ramble and swear. You had already known about the swearing but this brought it all to a new level. There was something pleasant though, about having somebody to talk to. When Alfie ran out of things to tell you about Camden, he began to tell you about London itself. Occasionally you would ask a question but for the most part, you just listened. When Alfie asked you questions about your hometown, you shook your head, saying perhaps another time. You did not wish to think of the place you had called home for so long. The people who loved you and you had loved them. Your synagogue. You had considered going to visit but you had already said goodbye once. Saying goodbye again would be severe.

Quickly this became a tradition for you and Alfie to take Cyril out at night. Alfie was a good man, you decided. A good man who had been put into a shitty situation. At one point Alfie had tried to take your hand but you pulled your hand away, not wishing to touch him. Being a good man was one thing but hand-holding felt too intimate at the moment. To his credit, Alfie didn’t comment and instead continued to talk as if nothing had happened. 

One night, as the two of you walked, Alfie mentioned his friend, Ollie, had a wife. 

“She’s been wantin’ to meet you. Would you want to meet her? She’s a wonderful woman though, her fucking tongue. Sharper than the Devil’s tongue, I tell you. How Ollie survives, I have no idea.” Alfie said, shaking his head.

“I would love to meet her.” You said, already jumping on the idea of having another woman, specifically another Jewish woman to talk to. Date and time were arranged and before you knew it, Ollie’s wife, Adah, was there at your house. The two of you went into the kitchen where you had tea and biscuits waiting. Once the two of you had settled, Adah spoke first.

“So, how is it being married to Alfie?” She asked as she put milk into her tea.

“It’s very nice. He’s very kind.” You answered, focusing on the sugar that you were putting in.

“Bullshit. I know it isn’t nice. Ollie tells me what Alfie says.” You looked up questioningly at Adah. “Alfie does try to treat you nice, least that’s what Ollie tells me. He just isn’t used to having someone else around like this and he’s worried that if he does somethin’ wrong, that your dad will come and get ‘im or something.” Sighing deeply, you nodded at Adah’s statement.

“It’s true. I’m miserable. I had never imagined my life to be like this. I always pictured being married as something…” You couldn’t find the right word so you just waved your hand in the general area as if this was an explanation. Adah seemed to understand though. “Life is also so...mundane. It’s tedious. I have nothing to do with my time. My mother always seemed so content with her life at home so I thought that I would be too. I’m going crazy here.”

“Tell Alfie that then,” Adah said.

“What could he do? I don’t have any skills and besides, nobody even seems to like me here. Well...I’m not sure about that...they just don’t seem very warm towards me.”

“That would be because they fear Alfie I’m guessing.” Adah pursed her lips. “Still, what if we found you some sort of job outside of town, eh? You can sew, right? Perhaps somewhere is hiring a seamstress.” 

“Perhaps.” You didn’t feel overly sure about this choice but the thought of staying home was too much. You switched topics then and thankfully Adah did not seem to mind. After that visit, the two of you struck up a close friendship. You frequently went to her house to help with the children and being with the family helped to ease your solitude. 

Time began to tick by then. Things stayed somewhat the same between you and Alfie and you two fell into a pattern. You spent the majority of your day with Adah and her children before going home where you made dinner. You and Alfie would talk about his day and yours and as time wore on, your conversations began to flow smoother and you became less timid and hesitant about talking. Alfie too began to seem surer of himself. He started to question about you, wanting to know about your interests, your hobbies, and anything else you might fancy though you still did not answer questions about your home town. Alfie was good though and did not press questions that you didn’t wish to answer. Often you and Alfie would take Cyril for walks in the evening. Slowly but surely, the two of you began to develop a friendship.

About a month after you and Alfie had been together, you two were invited over to Ollie’s for dinner. You had spent the day making the dessert for the evening and shortly after Alfie arrived home, the two of you went over. It was Ollie who answered the door and as you stepped inside, you were greeted by Ollie’s children. “Uncle Alfie!” Screamed Farah as she jumped into Alfie’s arms.

“Ello there!” Alfie said as he spun her around before placing her on the ground. Her younger brother, Solomons, raced over and he too was spun about. Adah came over and greeted the two of you, taking the cake. You and Alfie were welcomed into the house with gracious, open arms.

Dinner was absolutely lovely and as you and Adah began to clear the table, you overheard Ollie and Alfie talking about Thomas Shelby and the Russians. You knew who Thomas Shelby was, of course. But what did he have to do with the Russians? And how was Alfie involved? As the two of you walked home that night, you brought it up.

“Hmm, oh, that was nothing,” Alfie said. “Just some business, it all. What did you think of dinner? Adah is an absolutely amazing fuckin’ cook, ain’t she? Ollie is very lucky though I am too because you’re a great cook too.” You let Alfie babble on but your thoughts were still stuck on the idea of the Russians. You just hoped that Alfie had not gotten in over his head.


	3. Chapter 3

After that dinner, you were unable to shake the idea of the Russians from your head. You weren’t sure why but something just bugged you. Like there was something missing that you could not put your finger on. In fact, everything was missing since all you knew was that it included Thomas Shelby and the Russians. A few nights after that dinner, you brought it up to Alfie. 

“Alfie?” You asked, pausing from swirling your pasta.

“Hmm?” He asked, glancing up at you from across the table.

“The other night when we were at Ollie and Adah’s, what you were talking about with Thomas Shelby and the Russians? I know I asked you already but…I just can’t…I’m just concerned.” You said, hoping that he would not brush you aside. Alfie’s face stayed void of any emotion and he took a bite of his food, probably to stall.

“Whatcha concerned about?” Alfie asked after he had swallowed his food. 

“I…my father dealt with some Russians when I was younger. It did not go well…and I just want to know what’s going on.” You explained. Alfie took a deep breath, sipping some water before setting his glass aside.

“Thomas Shelby and me, we’ve got a possible business deal going on with the Russians. I thought it was fucking insane but Tommy went for it. The fewer people who know about it, the better.” Alfie rubbed his beard wearily then. “Actually, I’ll be having Tommy over for dinner in a few nights, if that’s alright with you. Need to be able to talk in a secure place, y’know?”

“Of course. I’ll have something prepared for the two of you.” You answered and Alfie gave you a grateful smile.

“You’re fucking perfect.” He declared and you gave him a smile in return. His words helped to ease your anxiety a bit but there was still an underlying sense of dread that you could not shake.

It was a Thursday night when Thomas Shelby arrived. Unsure of what to make for dinner, you ended up just going with homemade pasta with a white sauce and vegetables. When the two men arrived at the house, Cyril was the first to greet them. As the two came into the kitchen, you pulled off your apron and hung it up, drying your hands on a dishtowel. “Mrs. Solomons,” Thomas Shelby said and offered you a hand to shake. Hearing yourself be referred to as Mrs. Solomons was still foreign to you but you accepted it with grace and poise.

“Mr. Shelby,” You answered, smiling gracefully as you shook his hand. “Dinner is almost ready.” You said, letting go of his hand and going back to the stove. The table was set and Alfie poured Tommy a glass of whiskey before getting himself some water. 

“Alright day?” Alfie asked you as you grabbed a deep bowl to drain the pasta into.

“Yes, it was alright.” You answered as you worked. “Cyril and I went to the park today which was nice though, he ended up being chased by some ducks which he was not very fond of.” You said, snickering softly at the memory of this massive dog running from the ducks.

“Yeah well, he’s a great dog but he’s a fucking coward,” Alfie said as you placed the pasta in front of the two. “Thank you,” Alfie said, touching your hand after you set down the bowl.

“It smells delightful,” Tommy commented then and you gave him an appreciative smile.

“Enjoy.” You said, squeezing Alfie’s hand in return before turning to leave. 

“Y/N, why don’t you stay?” Alfie asked and you hesitated, looking over at him. 

“I don’t want to be in the way…” You began but Alfie waved your words away. 

“Come, sit.” Alfie declared so you grabbed a plate for yourself and sat down noiselessly, helping yourself to some food as the two men talked. It seemed that the Russians had come to England within the last month. Despite the Russian Revolution being over for some time, Russia was still a very agitated place which is why some of the royals had escaped and came to England. They claimed to have precious jewels and in exchange for those jewels, they wanted Alfie and Tommy to sneak them to the states. The question that Tommy and Alfie were discussing though was if the Russians could be trusted. Neither man trusted the Russians but the jewels were considerably valuable…if they were real. That was also what was being discussed. 

“We need to arrange a meetin’ with the fucking Russians and I can look at those jewels and see if they’re real. Mind you, I only speak a few words in Russian so they could be fucking screwing us over, mate, and neither of us would know it.” Alfie said. 

“Do you know anyone who speaks Russian?” Tommy tried.

“Why the fuck would I know someone who speaks fucking Russian?”

“I just thought that with you being Jewish and all-” Tommy began to say but you cut him off.

“I speak Russian.” You announced and both men turned to look at you. “Almost fluently at this point. My grandmother was from Russia and she taught me.” 

“Perfect,” Tommy declared at the same time that Alfie said: “Absolutely fucking not.”

“Y/N, I’m not having you put your fucking life at risk for some fucking jewels.” Alfie declared then. “It isn’t worth it.”

“She’d be safe, Alfie,” Tommy said. “We will meet on neutral ground and neither side will bring weapons. 

“How will you know they won’t bring weapons!?” Alfie snapped.

“We’ll search them and they can search us,” Tommy said confidently.

“I think it will be fine, Alfie. I can handle myself.” You added and Alfie glanced over at you.

“I’m not doubting that you can, love. I just don’t fucking trust those Russians.” He turned to look at Thomas for a long moment, fingers stroking his beard slowly. The seconds ticked by as you watched Alfie. You could practically hear the gears in his mind turning as he thought this all over. “I want us to have men hidden about then, with guns. Just in case.” He said finally.

“We can have that arranged. We’ll tell them that we are meeting in a neutral area but it will be a warehouse of our choosing.” Tommy said with a nod. “Good then, it’s settled. Y/N will sit with us and make sure the Russians don’t try to fuck us over.” The rest of the dinner was spent figuring out the actual plan. Neither man wanted the Russians to know that you spoke Russian. Instead, this meeting would be to figure things out and look at the jewels. If the Russians said anything suspicious, you were to remember it and tell Alfie later.

After dinner had ended, Alfie walked Tommy to the front door as you cleaned up from the meal. As you were scrapping food into the trash, you heard Tommy speak. “How is it…being in this marriage?” Tommy asked Alfie. The temptation to listen in was too much so you silently moved closer to the doorway to hear better.

“It’s…interesting.” You heard Alfie reply. “She’s a wonderful woman, really. Fucking good cook too. Probably have gained a few extra pounds cause of her fucking cooking. It isn’t what I wanted though. But it was that or be fucked by her father so. She deserves so much more than me. Pretty sure she also just tolerates me but who can blame her? I don’t know if I could ever grow to love her though.”

“I’m sure things will get better as time goes on.” 

“I fucking hope so, mate. I fucking hope so.” As the door opened, you turned the water back on and went back to mutely scraping the food off and washing the dishes. Alfie came into the kitchen then and you glanced over at him for a moment. He looked like he was going to say something…but Alfie shook his head and mumbled something before he left, going upstairs. You finished up the dishes and set them out to dry before you turned off the lights. 

It was past 9:00 by the time that you got into bed. Sleep did not come easily that night to you for Alfie’s words continued to swirl around in your mind. Alfie thought he would never be able to love you. You two had only been married for a short time but if he already felt that way…could you really live your life in a loveless marriage? 

The next week passed by simply. Alfie had a lot of business to take care of so you oftentimes only saw him in the morning. You did not mind too much since you spent your days with Adah and her children. It was Friday morning though when things went unplanned. It was around 8:00 in the morning when the phone rang and you answered. It was Ollie, asking where Alfie was. You had thought that he had gone into work but after checking the guest bedroom, you found Alfie sound asleep. “Not surprising,” Ollie said when he heard this. “He’s been working himself ragged the past weeks or so. Staying incredibly late and such. Tell him not to come in today and to take it easy.” You told Ollie that you would before saying goodbye.

When Alfie did wake and came downstairs, it was nearly 10:00 and he looked and sounded miserable. As Alfie made his way over to the stove to make tea, he continuously wiped his nose on his sleeve and sniffled. “What time is it?” He asked, voice sounding hoarse.

“10:00.” You said, glancing at the time.

“Fuck!” Alfie groaned, setting the kettle he had picked up back down. “I have a meetin’ to fucking get to. Christ.” He groaned as you stood up.

“Ollie called and he said he’s going to take care of it all and that you are to stay at home to rest. I agree you need to rest.”

“But I-” Alfie began but you looked at him, eyes narrowed with an unyielding look on your face and Alfie went quiet. 

“Go back to bed, your bed, alright? I’ll be up in a bit with some chicken soup and tea.” You said, having been making the chicken soup ever since Ollie called. Alfie glanced at the stove where the pot sat then nodded, whistling for Cyril to follow. As the two-headed back upstairs, you went about making a cup of tea for Alfie, adding extra lemon and honey to hopefully help his cold. You carried the tea to Alfie’s room, pausing at the entrance.

Alfie was passed out cold with Cyril laying next to him. As you went in, you paused, taking a look at your sleeping husband. When he was sleeping…Alfie didn’t seem so fierce. Rather, he seemed more like a large teddy bear than anything. You set the tea on the side table before leaning across to feel Alfie’s forehead tenderly. He did feel a tad too warm for your liking so you made your way into the bathroom, returning with a damp towel which you draped over Alfie’s head. 

All that was left now was to wait. 

Alfie slept for perhaps an hour or so before he began to stir, his eyes fluttering open and his gaze landing on you. “Whatcha doin’ here?” He mumbled as you leaned forward in the chair that you were sitting on.

“Taking care of you, what else would I be doing?” You teased as you wiped at his forehead. “You’ve got a tad bit of a fever. Nothing of concern. Would you like some soup?” Alfie nodded so you left, coming back a few minutes later with a piping bowl of hot chicken soup with noodles. You set it on the side table as Alfie pushed himself up into a sitting position before handing the soup over. The two of you sat in silence for a few moments as Alfie took a sip of the soup.

“Fuck, this shit is good,” Alfie muttered after swallowing.

“Thank you. It’s my mother’s recipe. I always had it when I was sick and I was convinced that it had healing powers.” You said with a soft laugh. 

“Well, I can see why..” Alfie said, nodding in your direction.

“Are you comfortable in that?” You asked Alfie after a moment, asking about how he was still in his white collared, buttoned-up shirt.

“It isn’t too bad,” Alfie said with a small shrug. “Though, the collar is a bit stiff…” He glanced at you before setting the soup aside. “Do you mind if I…” He motioned to his shirt and you shook your head no. He unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it off, leaving a white tank top underneath. As Alfie went back to eating his soup, you took the moment to examine him. He had large muscles protruding from his upper arms that were covered in tattoos. You had known about the crown on his hand but that was it with his tattoos. Alfie caught you staring though and you turned away, blushing. “It’s alright to look,” Alfie said. “Bet you didn’t really expect all them tattoos, with it being frowned upon with Jews and all that shit. But to me…it’s a way to remember and honor.”

“Remember and honor who?” You asked then and Alfie pointed to a dove.

“This one is in remembrance of the war and the men I lost. Reminds me of peace, y’know. Then this one here, now this one is just for fun cause I really liked the fucking design.” This one was a dragon that was blowing fire. After that, Alfie began to tell you about his numerous tattoos. 

“What’s that one for?” You asked, pointing to one on his chest that stuck out a bit from his tank top. It was a heart with a bit of a name written in it though most of the name was hidden by his clothing. “For your sister or something?” Alfie looked down and cursed under his breath.

“Uh, no. Got that for a girl I once loved. Julia was her name. Whole village here when bat shit crazy cause she wasn’t Jewish.” You nodded, your own cheeks starting to turn a bit red which Alfie noticed. 

“Oh, um, okay.” You said, putting on a bit of a smile.

“Fuck, Y/N. Sorry ‘bout this.” Alfie said, pulling up his shirt a bit more to cover it up entirely.

“Alfie, really, it’s fine. It was way before we had even met.” You assured him but there was a small tang of jealousy in your stomach. Alfie hesitated then nodded before moving onto the dog tattoo on his bicep in honor of all the dogs he loved. As Alfie told you this all, he drank his tea and ate his soup. When he finished with his tattoos, Alfie silently looked around his room. 

It had not changed much since you had arrived though the room was clean and nothing was on the ground. There was a book on top of the nightstand that Alfie reached over and grabbed. “You reading this?” He asked and you nodded silently. “Call of the Wild.” Alfie read. “What’s it about?”

“It’s about the Klondike Gold Rush in the 1890s, based in Yukon, Canada. Strong sled dogs were in high demand at the time and the story follows a dog named Buck.” You explained. “It’s quite good…has a lot of adventure.”

“Can you read it for me?” You looked at Alfie for a long moment before nodding and taking the book. You went back to the beginning and began to read. You managed to read a chapter before Alfie fell asleep. While he slept, you sat noiselessly, passing your time with reading or knitting. The chair got to be too uncomfortable though so you moved to the bed, laying down next to Alfie to continue your work. The next time Alfie woke, you were sitting up in the bed, working on your knitting.

“Whatcha makin’?” Alfie mumbled as he turned over so he was facing you.

“Just a scarf.” You answered. “With winter coming shortly, figured now would be a good time to get started.” Alfie felt the wool with his fingers before nodding a bit in consent. You held up the wool to Alfie’s face, finding that the color suited him. Perhaps it would be a gift for him. 

“Can you go back to reading?” Alfie asked and you nodded, opening up to where you had left off. Alfie made it through two chapters this time before falling back to sleep. This time, his arm was wrapped around your waist. You told yourself that you left it there because Alfie was comfortable and you didn’t want to bother him. Least, that was what you told yourself.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Russian plot comes to play and Alfie loses his mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up, this really does not follow canon at all so just keep that in mind. Also, I've had a few people ask if this is going to be a long fic and I just wanted to say that yes, I plan to make it at least 19 chapters, if not more. Hope you enjoy!

It took another few days for Alfie to get fully back on his feet. The man was a weakling when it came to being sick, steadily moaning about his stuffy nose or how his head hurt. You did the best you could to take care of him, keeping Alfie well-fed with chicken soup and tea. Cyril also did his best to help Alfie though that consisted of just sleeping next to the man. The few days that you and Alfie spent together turned out to be some of the most agreeable days of you had experienced in a while.

You and Alfie flew through Call of the Wild and though he denied it, you were pretty convinced that Alfie had gotten teary-eyed at the end. When you weren’t reading and Alfie wasn’t sleeping, the two of you talked. Alfie had a tendency to ramble about anything that came to his mind which at first irritated you (what was the point to talk about something that made no sense?) but after a day or two, you began to truly listen and it had ended in conversations that ranged from serious to insane. Yet, it was pleasant to talk to Alfie. 

You never dared to go towards delicate topics such as childhood and parents but rather stayed on the more neutral ground of interests. It turned out that you and Alfie did enjoy a few of the same activities such as visiting the ocean, exploring a new area, and dogs. Dogs were a start.

Once Alfie went back to work, you found yourself yearning to be with him, talking and laughing. Of course, you still saw each other regularly but now Alfie was gone for a majority of the day and well, you missed him. You missed the way his eyes would crinkle at the edges when he laughed or the playful growl he would make when he and Cyril would get at it. You missed your husband. It was as simple as that. You did not vocalize this, not knowing if the feelings were mutual but you prayed they were.

Time crept onwards and the day before the Russian plan was to be executed finally arrived. You were at the park with Adah, watching the children chase each other about as the two of you sat on a bench. “Are you ready for tomorrow?” Adah asked you, having known about this since the day after it had been planned. She had been the first one you told and the only one to know besides, Ollie, Thomas, and Alfie.

“I’m not sure.” You admitted as you leaned against the wood bench. “I just don’t know what to expect, you know? All these diverse scenarios are running through my mind of what could happen. Everything from it going fine to Alfie or somebody else ending up dead.” Adah nodded as she watched Farah, her daughter, run over to a swing with her brother right behind her.

“Alfie will take care of you though.” Adah murmured. “He always is good at that. Takes care of other people. Granted he is shit at taking care of himself.” You chuckled faintly in amusement at Adah’s words since you knew first hand that they were true.

“What if he can’t though? What if he doesn’t?” You asked then, voicing a few of your fears.

“You can’t keep asking the ‘what if’ questions, (Y/N). It’s just going to drive you insane. What if the sun blew up tomorrow? What if I woke up tomorrow and my son had grown into a full-grown man? What if Ollie left me? All these questions are just taking up space in your head. They are khalam, trash.” You smiled at Adah’s no-nonsense way of speaking. “It is easier said than done though.” Adah reached over and squeezed your hand. “But I have faith that Alfie will take care of you and things will go fine.”

You weren’t worried about Alfie not taking care of you. It was more of the fact that so many unplanned things could happen. 

That night, after dinner, Alfie called you into the kitchen where he had a hand-drawn map of a building. He motioned for you to sit down which you did, looking at him questioningly. “This here is a map of the warehouse that we’ll be in tomorrow.” Alfie declared. “We’re gonna come in through this fucking door here, right, and then walk across and sit at the table that’s there in the middle. It’s gonna be me and Tommy who sit and I want you to stand behind me, alright? You are not to say a word during this whole meeting cause I don’t want them to know who you are or that you speak Russian.” Alfie paused to take a breath.

“What are you going to do if they ask who I am?” You hurriedly asked before Alfie could continue.

“We’re gonna say that you are a third party, here to make sure everybody plays fair.” You worried that this would not be a good enough reason but nevertheless nodded and allowed for Alfie to continue. He proceeded to describe in detail the plan down to the places that you would be standing and the exact places where you should not stand in case things went south and backup had to be brought in. After Alfie finished going over the plan, he proceeded to walk you through it again and again until you had it memorized. At that point, it was past 1:00 in the morning and your eyesight was blurry from fatigue. Thankfully Alfie agreed to call it a night and the two of you parted ways to your separate bedrooms.

After you had gotten ready for bed, you found it impossible to sleep. Your thoughts continued to turn and tumble about in your mind and you could not find any way to get them to stop. Looking at your clock, you saw that it was 2:30 in the morning and you groaned. How were you supposed to be well-rested for tomorrow if you couldn’t sleep? Without really thinking about it, you got out of bed, slipping on your dressing gown before making your way to Alfie’s room down the hall.

You hesitated, hand on the doorknob. Would Alfie mind this, you coming into his bed at night? What if he was naked? You wouldn’t want to wake him either...but the thought of laying down in your empty bed, alone with your thoughts, was more terrifying than Alfie so you noiselessly opened the door and went in. You made your way over to Alfie’s bed, climbing in and curling up. Alfie shifted, waking for a moment as he felt the bed move.

“(Y/N?)” Alfie mumbled as he reached out, hand brushing lightly over your cheek.

“Sorry, I couldn’t sleep.” You whispered. “My thoughts wouldn’t...be quiet. I hope you don’t mind. I can leave if you want me to.”

“No, no, it’s alright,” Alfie mumbled before yawning, gently pulling you to his chest. You were relieved to find him wearing pajamas. “Stay as long as you want.” He murmured before falling back asleep. That was how you fell asleep that night, curled up with Alfie’s arm wrapped around you, keeping you secure.

The next morning dawned far too early for your liking but nevertheless, the two of you woke and had a silent breakfast before heading out. The meeting was in Oxford since that was considered a neutral town for all three parties. The drive there was tense and silent. You tried to think of something to say that would ease the tension and anxiety in the car but words failed you.

When you arrived, Thomas and Ollie were already there, having arrived with a mixture of Peaky Blinders and Alfie’s men earlier, setting everything up. Alfie got out of the car first and made his way to Tommy with you trailing behind. “Everything set up?” Alfie asked as Tommy lit a cigarette, nodding.

“Everything is fine, Alfie. Don’t worry.” The Blinder told your husband as he flung aside the match.

“Don’t worry!? Are you seriously telling me not to fucking worry, Tommy? That’s like telling a drowning man to breathe. Or telling a fucking dog not to chase a fucking rabbit. If one thing happens to her...if one hair is put out of place on her pretty head, you’re going to fucking pay.” You could tell that Alfie was worked up. Hell, everybody could. You walked up to Alfie, slipping your hand into his and gently guiding him away from the others.

“Alfie, it’s going to be okay. Things will go according to plan and if they don’t...well, I have everything memorized. We have plan after plan for if something goes wrong, alright? I trust you, Alfie.” You took Alfie’s hand and brought it to your lips, kissing it lightly before giving his hand a reassuring squeeze. Alfie’s shoulders seemed to decompress just a tad and you figured it was the best you could do. The two of you went back to Tommy and Ollie, hands never leaving each other.

The Russians showed up exactly on time and everybody was searched for weapons. You were overlooked since it seemed that the Russians did not presume a woman was able to carry out anything harmful. The warehouse was then declared secured by both parties and the men entered with you trailing behind.

The room was how Alfie had described it. There were a handful of boxes scattered in various corners that were there in cased bullets decided to fly. Up in the rafters were men, hidden with guns, ready to fire if things went south. In the center of the room was a table with two chairs on either side which is where the Russians took their places and Tommy and Alfie took theirs. You positioned yourself behind Alfie, a hand coming up to grip the back of his jacket to keep yourself focused.

“Let’s begin.” Tommy declared once everybody was settled. The discussion began, with Tommy getting the details of when the Russians would want to leave for the states and where they wanted to end up. The question then became what ship would they take to escape? The Russians wanted a nice, cruise ship of sorts but Thomas objected, saying that they would stand out too much and instead, they had a better chance of appearing to be immigrants from Russia going to America to make a new life. This debating went on for quite some time and surprisingly Alfie stayed silent, watching the interaction before him.

“Now, gents, I believe this is the time where we discuss payment.” Alfie declared once a general idea had been agreed on. 

“Yes, the jewels.” One of the Russians said before pulling into his coat and removing a diamond which he handed to Alfie. Alfie took it, pulling out an eyepiece he used to further examine the diamond. The air was tense as Alfie examined the jewel thoroughly before placing it down on the table. 

“It’s legit.” He declared.

“Good. Now, you will receive half the jewels on the day we decide then the other half once we arrive in the states.” Said a Russian and Tommy frowned.

“How can we trust you?” He asked, watching as one of the Russians turned to the other where they had a hushed conversation in Russian.

_Wait, we are not going to be giving jewels to a fucking Jew and Gypsy, are we?_

_No, of course not. We’ll give them just a few now to get them to believe us and the rest we will store. Once we reach the states, they will receive the other jewels._

_I thought you said that we weren’t giving them real ones!_

_We aren’t! We’re giving them fake ones once we’re in America! Now shut up and let me finish talking._

You overheard and understood the conversation as clear as day. The meeting continued on for a while longer before both parties came to an agreement that they would meet in 15 days time with the tickets and jewels. And with that, the meeting concluded and everybody left. “The Russians are planning to screw you over.” You announced once you and Alfie were back in the car.

“Of course they fucking are. Fucking can’t trust those fuckers, y’know? They hate us Jews even more than anyone else. Have a personal grudge against them. Fucking hunted my mum down through the snow with their fucking dogs. Pretty sure everybody hates us the most. But anyway, what is their plan?” Alfie asked as he started the drive back to London. Alfie had never mentioned his mother and while you craved to ask more questions...it did not seem to be a suitable time to do so.

“They’re planning to give you real jewels before they leave but only some. The rest that you’ll receive once they’ve reached America is going to be fake. And their plan is by the time you realize that they’ll be too far gone for you to hunt them down. Least that’s what I imagine is the plan.” You answered as the town of Oxford began to fly by.

“Hmm.” Alfie murmured, rubbing his beard with his hand, pursing his lips slightly, deep in thought. “I’ll give Tommy a call tonight, yeah, and see what the bastard has to say. Always has those brilliant ideas in his head, y’know? Makes me question if he’s even sane or if he’s got a few loose screws up there in his fucking head.” 

“Was he in the war?”

“Aye, he was. Has a massive bloody record to show it too. Won this award and that like he was some fucking hero or some shit. Nobody was a hero in that war, (Y/N). We did what we had to do to survive.” Alfie never had spoken to you about his time in the war though you had always wondered what he was like before the war. Before you had a chance to ask though, Alfie began to ramble about this and that about Oxford. He rambled all the way home.

That night, as you were making dinner, Alfie was in his study, on the phone with Thomas. There seemed to be a fair share of yelling going on behind the closed doors but you could not really place it all together. You heard the name “Grace” a few times here and there as well as a lot of swearing coming from Alfie (but that was nothing new). Eventually, the conversation ended and Alfie came out for dinner.

“Any solution on how to deal with the Russians?” You asked as you placed a slice of keesh onto a plate and handed it to Alfie.

“Not one fucking plan,” Alfie announced. “We both agreed that fucking the Russians over would be the best idea but it’s the how that’s the bloody fucking problem. Tommy said to send them to another place, other than the states, but wouldn’t they fucking know if they get on a fucking boat and someone mentions like ‘oh yeah, we’re off to fucking Africa’ or some shit. They aren’t fucking stupid, those Russians. And besides, how would we get the other half of the jewels if they’ve got them?” Alfie shook his head as he stabbed his fork into the keesh and took a bite. “Tastes wonderful.” 

“Thank you.” You murmured, giving Alfie a smile as you dug into your own keesh. “It’s one of my favorite foods to make and to eat.” As dinner carried on, the two of you continued to talk about the Russian issue, unfortunately not getting anywhere.

As the next few days passed, the Russian situation did not improve. Alfie was gone quite a lot, whether it was at work or on the phone, yelling at someone. It resulted in nights spent alone which you found yourself not looking forward to. You had gotten used to Alfie’s presence there at night, having someone to talk to while you knitted or someone to read to you. Unbeknownst to you, Alfie was in the same boat which was why, one Thursday afternoon, he arrived home early with the intent to take you out somewhere.

You were not there.

Alfie called Adah who said she had not seen you all day and did not know of any plans you had for the day. Dread overtook Alfie. He called the office, ordering Ollie to send out every available man to look for you before doing the same to Thomas Shelby. It seemed that half of England would be looking for you at this rate.

You knew none of this was going on, however, since you had just stepped out for a bit to do some grocery shopping. So it came to you as quite a surprise when you arrived at your front door to find a handful of strange men standing around the entrance. “May I help you?” You asked the men as you approached them, recognizing a few from the factory.

“Oh thank the lord.” One of the men muttered. “Alfie, she’s here!” He called in through the open door before turning back to you. “He’s been going fucking insane when he came home to find out that you were-”

“Where the fuck have you been!?” You turned to see Alfie storm out of the front door and over to you. “All of you, out! Get the fuck out!” He roared, shoving one of the men brutally to the side.

“Alfie, I was just-” You began to say but Alfie just seized your wrist and started to pull you into the house. “Get your hands off of me!” You snapped, yanking your wrist from Alfie’s grip, somehow managing to hold onto your bags. “Do not touch me like that, Alfie Solomons. Now, get inside and we can talk like civilized people.” You moved past Alfie and went inside, placing the bag of groceries on the kitchen table before turning to look at Alfie. “What are you going on about?” You demanded, hands on your hips.

“I came home today to find that you weren’t here!”

“I was out shopping for groceries.” You motioned to the bag but Alfie shook his head.

“Nobody fucking knew where you had gone, (Y/N)! No fucking idea! You could have been hurt by someone! Or kidnapped by the fucking Russians or some shit! You can’t go anywhere without telling someone!” Alfie yelled. His words were starting to fire you up.

“It’s to the bloody grocery store, Alfie! I don’t need to tell you every time I do a simple errand, do I? It was a simple trip and nothing more! I was not in any danger!”

“You’re always in danger if you’re with me.” Alfie began to pace, tugging at his beard with frustration. “Adah didn’t know where you went either!”

“I don’t tell her every little thing about my life, Alfie! I am my own person!”

“Who can get fucking hurt because of me!” Alfie roared, turning to look at you, anger ablaze in his eyes. “You are so fucking stupid! Do you know how worried I was because I thought you had been abused or abducted or murdered or raped or just anything bad! I couldn’t live with myself if that happened to you!” At this point, his voice had reached such a harsh octave that Cyril moved under the table to hide. You wished you could join him but instead, you stood your ground.

“Do you not think I can take care of myself, Alfie!?” You challenged.

“No, actually I do fucking not! All you fucking know is how to be a fucking housewife! How are any of those skills going to help you in the real world, eh? Think that when someone kidnaps you, that you can just bake them a nice pie and they’ll let you go!? Your housewife shit has no purpose in the real world and it’s about time you started living in this world rather than your own world. This world where you aren’t the only fucking person in it!” You stared at Alfie silently, jaw clenched so hard that your head was starting to throb. Alfie had stopped pacing and was now standing there, breathing profoundly from all the yelling. Saying nothing, you walked until you were right in front of Alfie before smacking him as hard as you could across the cheek.

“Don’t ever fucking speak to me like that again.” You hissed before storming out of the kitchen. You whistled and Cyril raced over to you. It seemed that the dog did not want to be in the house either with Alfie. Saying nothing then, you opened the door and stepped out into the chilly December air before slamming the door behind you.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post fight  
> Sorry it's so short. I promise there's going to be a lot more drama coming up (and angst)

The first thought you had as you walked out that door that night was that you were an idiot for forgetting your coat. It was freezing in December and snow had begun to fall around you, muffling your footsteps as you walked. Thankfully, Adah and Ollie lived close by so you and Cyril made your way to their house, knocking on the door. You prayed Adah answered and your prayer was answered when Adah opened the door. She took one look at you before pulling you into a hug. You grabbed onto her with all the force you could muster, sobbing into her shoulder. She didn’t ask any questions and instead brought you inside.

Ollie and the children were there and thankfully Ollie didn’t ask any questions. Instead, he got the children distracted by Cyril, leading them to the playroom so you and Adah could talk. Adah led you to the kitchen where she guided you to a chair with your tears still running freshly down your cheeks. Adah got out a glass and poured you some Manischewitz before bringing it over. “Drink.” She ordered and you did as you were told, the alcohol burning your throat as it slid downward.

It helped though and after another glass, your tears had dried up and you were able to talk. You told Adah about Alfie freaking out about you missing and the fight that had occurred as a result. “You did fucking right to slap him!” Adah told you when you had finished speaking. “That…that…men are so fucking clueless!” You had never seen Adah so worked up. “He’s all meshuggener!” Adah exclaimed then. “You are a wonderful woman and being a housewife has plenty of skills that he is clearly just blind to see!” Adah proceeded to rant about Alfie for at least a half-hour. When Ollie came in to ask her to quiet down since the children were going to bed, Adah told Ollie that he could “baren avek” which you learned later on meant “fuck off”.

Adah fed you dinner that night and got you set up in the guest room, lending you a nightgown so you could change. “Sleep, tomorrow will be better.” Adah had told you before leaving you and Cyril for the night. You prayed that she was right.

The next morning, Ollie dropped you and Cyril off at the house before going to the factory. As you went in, Alfie greeted you. “(Y/N),” Alfie began but you cut him off.

“You are late for work. Go.” You ordered, pointing at the door before going straight upstairs. You heard Alfie sigh before grabbing his things and going to work. You had concluded last night (with Adah’s help) that you were going to get a job. So, after you had freshened up and made yourself look professional, you went to the local dressmaker’s shop. Within an hour you were hired. 

That night, when Alfie came home, you were in your room, having left a plate of cold food on the table for him. You were reading when there was a soft knock on your door. You got up, setting aside your book before going to the door, opening it up just a crack. “(Y/N), I want to-” Alfie began to say but you once again cut him off.

“I have a job that I will be starting tomorrow at the dressmakers. It would seem that my useless housewife skills do come in handy though, I suppose the dressmakers is a woman’s business and not a man’s job so perhaps it isn’t a real job. Goodnight, Alfie.” And with that, you closed the door.

The next day you went to work. Your job was an enjoyable one for you able to talk to other women and sew. The women you helped seemed to be hesitant at first but as the day went on, the women began to relax. Perhaps Adah had a few stern words with them which would make sense. Once home that night, you made dinner which you ate by yourself before retiring for the night. And that was how things were for the next two weeks. Wake up, eat, go to work, come home, make dinner, bed. It was a lonely life and an isolating one. It took a few days for your anger to fade away but you still couldn’t bring yourself to talk to Alfie.

It was Alfie who was the first one to break the silence between the two of you. He was home one evening when you returned and at first, you didn’t know. “Hello, Cyril.” You murmured, scratching the dog as he greeted you. You took off your coat and hat, hanging them up as Alfie came out from the kitchen. You stopped what you were doing and turned to look at Alfie in front of you. 

Alfie looked horrible. His eyes had circles under them and his beard needed to be trimmed back. His clothes looked like he hadn’t changed them in a few days either which you guessed he probably had not. You were the first to speak.

“You look like shit.” You announced before going back to hanging your things up and forcing yourself past Alfie to the kitchen. Alfie didn’t answer and instead just followed you into the kitchen, watching as you searched through the fridge for the meal you had prepared yesterday.

“I’m sorry.” These were the words that you had wanted to hear but you still couldn’t bring yourself to really look at Alfie and instead continued to look in the fridge. “(Y/N)…I am sorry. So very sorry for how I acted the other week. And for what I said…it was fucking stupid of me. I let my anger and temper get the best of me which was not right. You are not useless and I have learned that over the last few weeks, you do things that I could never dream of doing. I tried to cook earlier today and it went rather…poorly.”

You paused, the image of Alfie attempting to cook crossed your mind and you couldn’t help but snort softly in laughter. You just imagined Alfie wearing an apron, covered in flour, holding up a mixing spoon with a confused expression on his face. “What?” Alfie asked as you straightened yourself, closing the fridge door.

“I just imagined what you looked like while cooking.” You said with another snigger, unable to help it. You swallowed back your laughter to speak soberly. “Thank you for apologizing, Alfie.” You began. “You acted way out of line and I do not want you to ever grab me like that again, do I make myself clear?” Alfie nodded silently, letting you speak. “I am my own person and while I understand why you were worried, it was still out of line. We can figure out a way where you can know where I am going but not have to worry about me because I am my own person and I do not answer to anybody, especially to you.” A look crossed Alfie’s face but you were unable to tell exactly what the expression was. 

“So, I’m forgiven?” Alfie asked and you nodded. Alfie moved forward, wrapping you up into a hug. His hugs were like bear hugs where you were just engulfed into his arms, unable to see or breath but feeling utterly protected and safe. You felt Alfie kiss your head and you nestled yourself in closer to him. 

That night, you made the two of you dinner and talked quietly at the table. Alfie asked about your job and was quite the listener, following every word you said and asking questions. It made you feel significant but more importantly, independent. You were your own independent woman who did not need a man to guard her or support her.

That night though, you and Alfie were back to sharing a bed.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The holidays, a wedding, and the Russians. The Russians are always there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for being so patient! I hope you enjoy! As always, kudos/comments make my entire day and keep me motivated to write.   
> Also, a quick reminder that I basically have said screw canon in this fic.

After the fight, things began to clear up between you and Alfie. The awkwardness that had been felt was now gone, along with the wrath. It was simple enough to be diverted and not think about the fight since Hanukkah was fast approaching. In between the time that you were not working, you were able to go out and buy gifts for everybody, including Alfie. The idea for Alfie’s gift had come to you one night and you had been quite pleased with the idea. 

For the first night of Hanukkah, you and Adah slaved over the stove all day to make the greatest potato latkes anyone had ever tasted. And they were the best latkes, according to Alfie and Ollie. Granted, they might have said that just to stay on their wives’ good side. That night, your house was filled with love and joy. After Ollie, Adah, and the children left, you and Alfie quietly began to clean up while Cyril laid passed out on the floor, snoring noisily.

“He had the easiest job,” Alfie muttered as he glanced at his dog as he passed you a plate.

“Well, it’s a hard life but somebody has to live it.” You replied and the two of you shared a laugh. Once the dishes were done, you made your way up to your room where you got Alfie’s gift. Holding it in your hands, you went to Alfie’s room where you knocked and entered when directed to. “I got this for you.” You said as you went into Alfie’s room. Alfie sat up from his bed, taking your gift tenderly. Chewing on the inside of your lip, you watched as Alfie opened up the gift, his face breaking into a grin. You had gotten a photo of Alfie and Cyril when neither of them was looking and had gotten the picture put in a frame with dog paws around the edges. It was a simplistic photo but the affection on Alfie’s face was priceless. 

“Thank you,” Alfie said as he set it on his nightstand. “It’s fucking perfect. Real fuckin’ perfect. But here, I got this for you.” Alfie opened up a drawer and pulled out a tiny wrapped box. When you unwrapped and opened the box before you laid an elegant necklace with the Star of David on it.

“Oh, Alfie…it’s gorgeous.” You murmured as you ran your fingers gingerly over the silver that shimmered in the lamplight.

“Good, I’m glad you think so. Come, let’s try it on.” Alfie stood up and took the necklace in his massive hands and draped it around your neck. You moved your hair to the side as Alfie worked on clasping the necklace together. “It looks beautiful on you.” Alfie murmured as you turned to face him. Taking your hand, Alfie guided it to his lips and pressed a feather-light kiss before murmuring “Happy Hanukkah.”. You couldn’t help yourself then as your gaze held his. He had such a unique face but it was his eyes that you decided you admired the most. Alfie’s eyes were such an extraordinary blend of color, being a mixture of green and blue. It was like you were gazing into open fields with a blue sky above you. One could get lost in Alfie’s gaze.

“Happy Hanukkah.” You murmured in return and Alfie tenderly dropped your hand. With that, you were brought back to reality and you bid Alfie goodnight before retreating to your room. After that first night of Hanukkah, you never took the necklace off.

The next month or so gradually went by and life continued. You had been invited to Thomas and Grace Shelby’s wedding which, if you were being honest, neither you nor Alfie were quite looking forward to it. You discussed it one night at dinner.

“See, I don’t mind Tommy. He’s a good man, well sort of. He’s done a lot of fuck-ups in life but who hasn’t, eh? Met Grace once or twice. Seems like a good enough woman but I think her family comes from the army or some shit like that so don’t be surprised if there’s tensions or some shit between them all. Though, now that I think ‘bout it, it might make things a bit fun.” Alfie looked up from his pasta dish to glance at you. 

“Doesn’t Tommy have a child?” You asked Alfie as you took a sip of water and Alfie nodded.

“Aye, he does. Charlie is his name. Cute little thing. I’ve seen him a few times now. I think he’s three or so now. Children are fucking complex.” Alfie answered and you playfully rolled your eyes. “Just really not looking forward to puttin’ on an act,” Alfie admitted then.

“What act?”

“Just the act of being a law-abiding citizen who plays nice with others.” You met Alfie’s eyes for a moment before the two of you laughed. You both knew that Alfie was the exact opposite of that.

“Does this mean no swearing for Alfie Solomons?” You teased as you quieted down. 

“Suppose so.”

“Hmm, well, I bet you £20 that you can’t get through the night without swearing.” 

“You’re on.” 

When the day of the wedding arrived, you were keen to get dressed and be ready. Alfie, on the other hand, took his time, grumbling about the “penguin suit” that he had to wear. You sat on his bed as you watched him attempt to tie a bow tie for the third time in a row. Alfie looked dashing in his suit and you wondered if he had looked that fine when you had married. You weren’t going to tell Alfie any of this though because Lord knew that Alfie did not need his ego inflated even more today. Watching Alfie fail for the fourth time, you got off the bed and stood in front of Alfie. Silently holding out your hand, Alfie begrudgingly handed the bowtie over.

“There, all set.” You announced once it had been tied. You moved to step away but Alfie hindered you, kindly grabbing your arm. 

“You look beautiful, (Y/N).” Alfie murmured and there was something about his voice, the tenderness in it, that made you turn around and hug Alfie. You weren’t quite sure what prompted the hug but Alfie did not seem to mind it for he hugged you back, wrapping you up in his warm arms. The moment felt so intimate. You could smell Alfie’s cologne and hear his heartbeat from where your ear laid against his chest. His hands felt perfect against your body, fitting right into the small curves of your side and back. “We should get going.” Alfie finally whispered and the two of you withdrew from your hug.

The ride to the wedding was quiet enough and as the car drew closer, you began to feel more uneasy. You didn’t know anybody who would be there besides Alfie and by the looks of it, there were quite a lot of people there. You fixed your dress one final time as you got out, glancing at your reflection and moving to readjust your hair. “You look wonderful,” Alfie told you as he came around to the other side, offering you his arm. You took it and the two of you headed into the church.

The ceremony was a gorgeous one to behold and it seemed that no expenses had been paid for the after-party which was held at the Shelby house. You and Alfie stood with each other, watching guests milling about and making small talk. “I could never live a life like this,” Alfie commented to you, motioning to the room around you. It was quite a large sitting room with superb open windows that showed massive fields. Great bookcases lined the walls, filled with books that looked to never have been touched. Everything about this room felt flawless and you had to agree with Alfie. It was a breathtaking room, yes, but it would not feel like home to you.

“Yeah, well, we’ve got our little flat which I’m quite content with.” You answered as you spotted Tommy and Grace. Grace was indeed grand, with her fine blonde hair and her sharp cheekbones. She seemed like the sort of woman who everyone was friends with. You knew her history though. Alfie had told you how she had betrayed the Shelbys but things seemed to be alright now. Perhaps it was just the perception that they were projecting for everyone to see. Tommy spotted the two of you and led Grace over. 

“Grace, I’d like you to meet Alfie and (Y/N) Solomons,” Tommy announced and Grace shook your hand, beaming broadly at you. 

“Congratulations.” You told Grace, clasping her hand lightly before letting it go. 

“Thank you.” Grace glanced over at Tommy who gave her a warm smile. You had never seen a warm smile on Tommy’s face before. 

“Alfie, can we talk for a moment?” Tommy asked and Alfie nodded.

“Sure thing, mate. Though it better not be about that fucking batch of liquor because I am not in the mood for a fight.” Alfie said and you shot him a smirk, having just won the bet. Alfie rolled his eyes and gave your cheek a quick peck before leaving.

“Do you like children?” Grace asked you as the men left.

“Yes, I do.”

“Do you have any of your own?”

“Uh…no. My relationship with Alfie is…” You strived to find a word but Grace squeezed your hand before slipping her arm through yours.

“Tommy told me about it.” She said as she led you through the room. “Come, I want you to meet Charlie though.” Grace led you down the hallway and into a nursery where a lovely young boy played with toy horses. When he spotted Grace, the toddler scrambled up and raced to Grace as fast as his little legs could carry him. Grace picked Charlie up, embracing him tenderly. “(Y/N), this is Charlie. Charlie, can you say hi?” The boy waved at you and you waved back as Grace put him on the ground, watching as Charlie made his way to your side and reached for your hand. “He’s normally rather shy with strangers,” Grace commented as you knelt, taking the boy’s offered hand.

“Hello, Charlie.” You murmured, tickling him lightly under the chin before standing up. 

“Ready to go back?” Grace asked you and your answer must have shown on your face for Grace laughed.“Stay as long as you like. I know these sort of parties can be rather boring.” Grace squeezed your hand before she left.

Well…this was unexpected but not unwelcomed. You did want a break after all. You felt a tug on your dress and you looked down to see Charlie tugging on it, holding up a plastic horse. You supposed that playing with a three-year-old would be better than the stuffy wedding party. So, kicking off your high heels, you sat down and began to play with Charlie’s horses.

Time passed in a blink of an eye while you played with Charlie and it got you thinking about your future. Would you and Alfie ever have children? You didn’t even share a bed at the moment so how were you supposed to perform such an intimate act? You supposed it would be better for a child not to grow up in a world filled with violence. But there was a small voice inside of you that kept saying that perhaps, just perhaps, things might change.

Eventually, the door opened and you looked up from where you and Charlie had been reading. The boy’s face broke out into a massive grin as he spotted his father and scrambled to get up, rushing to Tommy. “Hello there, you!” Tommy said as he picked up Charlie, spinning the boy around before placing Charlie on his hip as the toddler giggled. “Having fun?” Tommy asked, kissing his head as Alfie moved to stand in front of you, helping you up.

“Dinner is gonna start soon.” Alfie murmured as you held his hand to steady yourself as you put your shoes back on. You nodded and glanced at Alfie’s face, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Alfie looked troubled, quite troubled. His face looked rigid, with his lips pressed securely together and his eyes taking on a concerned look. 

“You alright, Alfie?” You asked as the two of you left the room to let Tommy have some alone time with his son.

“Hmm?” Alfie asked, glancing over at you. “Sorry, what did you say, love?” Alfie was one who was hardly ever distracted.

“What’s going on, Alfie?” You repeated and watched as your husband scratched his beard, stalling.

“Nothin’, nothin’ is wrong, love.” Alfie declared and before you had a proper chance to argue, Alfie led you into the dining room. To say that the dining room was extensive was an understatement. The room could fit a few hundred people it felt like. Just like all the other rooms in the house, it was decorated flawlessly and even contained a large portrait of Tommy with a horse. You and Alfie took your seats and you found yourself sitting next to Ada, Tommy’s sister.

It was thanks to Ada that you made it through the dinner that night otherwise you would have been bored to death. The young woman was full of life and full of opinions which she was quite enthusiastic to share with you. You didn’t mind and instead listened, asking questions here and there. Alfie, on the other hand, stayed quiet for most of the meal, picking at this and that on his plate. When you asked why he wasn’t eating, Alfie replied that it wasn’t your cooking so, therefore, he did not like it.

After dinner came the dancing. The party shifted to the ballroom where Tommy and Grace shared the first dance. Watching the two dance together, you found yourself feeling rather envious. When you and Alfie had danced together at your wedding, the two of you had probably looked miserable. How could you have pretended to be happy when you were marrying another you knew nothing about? Tommy and Grace seemed perfect and their life seemed perfect. Perfect house, perfect child, perfect everything. Would you ever have something like that? You stole a few glances at Alfie and you watched the way his eyes followed Tommy. Perhaps Alfie was thinking the same thing that you were but you rather doubted it. 

When the dancing opened up to everybody, Alfie offered you his hand. “I thought you said you didn’t dance.” You commented to Alfie as you took it.

“I don’t but that doesn’t mean I can’t try,” Alfie replied as he pulled you against him. Your hand rested on his shoulder while his hand slid to your waist. As the two of you danced to classical music, your mind continued to jump back to your wedding day. Were you happy now? It had been several months since you and Alfie had been married and while things were better than when you had first married, could you ever really love Alfie? You remembered Alfie’s words that he had told Thomas one night. Alfie doubted he could ever really love you. Perhaps you were not destined to be happy. 

The wedding celebration continued long through the night but you and Alfie left around 10:00. When you got home that night, Cyril was thrilled to see you both. At least Cyril was always happy. Something was still bugging Alfie but despite your attempts, he stayed silent. As Alfie took Cyril for a final walk, you sat at the kitchen table and read through the mail that day.

Your hands froze when you saw an envelope with your mother’s perfect script written on the front. The letter was addressed to “Mr. and Mrs. Solomons”. Opening it, you scanned through it, throat tightening as you read. Your parents wanted you and Alfie over for dinner in about a week.

You had not seen your parents for some time though you did speak to your mother about once a month. That was one of the most arduous adjustments you had to make to being married. While you no longer despised your father for marrying you off, you still had not pardoned him. Your mother on the other hand…you also found yourself having issues with her. For the greatest of times, your mother bent to every will of your fathers. As a child and young adult, you never saw it as odd because that was what you were used to.

Now that you were married, you found yourself standing up for yourself and not bowing to Alfie’s every whim and desire. Why had your mother not taught you that? Why did she continue to listen to your father and not stand up to him? When Alfie came back in from his walk, he found you frozen at the table, the letter still clutched in your hands.

“What is it?” Alfie asked as he came over, reading the letter over your shoulder. “Fuck,” He murmured and you nodded, setting the paper down on the table. Fuck was right. You didn’t want to see your parents but how could you refuse? You didn’t even realize your hands were shaking until Alfie took them in his hand. “Hey, love. It’s alright.” Alfie whispered, thumb stroking your knuckles. “We don’t have to go. We can just make up an excuse or some shit.” You shook your head, attempting to steady your breathing.

“No, I want to go.” You stated, looking over at Alfie and meeting his gaze. “I want to go and I want to confront them about this.” Granted, you did know the reason why your father had married you off and you knew he would reason that you were his daughter and therefore he could do what he liked. But what about your mother? Why didn’t she stand up for herself? 

“You sure ‘bout this?” Alfie asked and you nodded, lips pressed firmly together. You were positive.

The night of the dinner arrived and you swore you had never been more anxious your entire life. Alfie knew you were anxious. How could he not? The two of you stood outside your parents’ house, staring at it before you. “You know, back in the war, we’d have plans and shit on how to storm the enemy, y’know,” Alfie commented as he scratched his beard, his other hand holding yours.

“Are you saying that my parents are the enemy?” You asked, eyes staying focused on your childhood house. It was odd to be back. Everything your life had changed but here, everything looked the same. A part of you felt like your house should have changed too. 

“Well…no, not really, I’d suppose. It’d be bad if I compared my in-laws to the fucking Germans now wouldn’t it? But, that’s not the point. The point is love, is that we make a fucking battle plan.” You finally turned to look at Alfie to see if he was jesting but the man was dead serious. 

“Alright then, Mr. General Major or whatever, what do you suggest we do?” You muttered and Alfie chuckled. 

“Right, here’s what I suggest. We don’t cause any fights, alright? Just stay cool and calm. Don’t cause a scene. We get through dinner but before dinner ends or before desert, you declare that you suddenly feel quite unwell and that we have to go home.”

“Is that how you defeated the Germans in the war?” You asked, looking at Alfie.

“Well, the Germans had guns and so did we. But your parents don’t. Least I hope they don’t.” Alfie seemed to reflect that for a moment. “They don’t have guns…right?”

“No, they don’t. But I’m not running away from them, Alfie. I’m sick of being pushed around by others, telling me what to do. That was all my father ever did. (Y/N) go clean your room. (Y/N) get 100% on this exam or else. (Y/N) you can’t be friends with him because you’re too young to have male friends. (Y/N) go fucking marry a man you had never met because I don’t know what else to do with you because your brother is a disgrace and this man owes me.” You were ranting at this point but paused at your last statement, glancing at Alfie. “Sorry, didn’t mean it that way.”

“No, no, it’s true,” Alfie said with a shrug. “Keep going.” You swallowed before continuing.

“I’m my own person, Alfie. You know this but my parents do not. It’s high time that they learn it.” And with that, you marched up to their front door and rang the bell. Your mother was the one to greet you and as she pulled you into a hug. The smell of her perfume brought back so many memories of your mother rocking you to bed, reading with you, and just being a loving person.

How could you question her and demand she stand up for herself? Your mother did not have a mean bone in her body. When she pulled away, you had to blink hard to push back your tears. “Ah, Shalom Alfie, Shalom.” She said, motioning for Alfie to come in.

“Shalom Ester,” Alfie said, leaning in to press a quick kiss to her cheek. 

“I hope the drive out was not bad,” Ester commented as she took your and Alfie’s coats, hanging them up. “Oh, you brought dessert! Wonderful!” Ester took the cake dish from your hands and led the way to the kitchen, chatting the whole time about this and that. “David, (Y/N) and Alfie are here!” Ester called as she set the cake down. You watched your father come out from his study and make his way into the kitchen. He was always in his study.

“Shalom, Father.” You murmured, dutifully placing a kiss on your father’s cheek before Alfie shook the man’s hand. Your mother naturally had dinner ready and the four of you sat down in the dining room. Small talk was made as the food was passed around before silence fell as everyone ate. Small talk was continued up until the end of dinner. Your mother cleared the table and brought in your cake, setting it down in front of you.

“Ester, this food was divine. The best thing my mouth has tasted.” Alfie declared after a few moments of silence.

“Are you saying my daughter is not a good cook?” David asked with a frown.

“No, no, she’s a fucking good cook. Amazing in fact. But now I see where she gets it from.” Alfie answered and David grunted in agreement.

“She learned well from her mother,” David commented as he took a sip of his wine. “Is your marriage going well?” Alfie took your hand under the table cloth, squeezing it tightly. You squeezed back, staring at your food. All the confidence you had before entering the house was gone now. You were back to being the timid little mouse. The mouse who let herself be bullied about by the lion.

“Aye, it’s going quite well,” Alfie said. “How is your business going?” Alfie asked then, attempting to change the topic but your father paid no attention.

“I’m surprised that you don’t have a baby inside of her yet,” David commented. “She’s at the prime age for that, you know. Pity we only had two but I’m sure the two of you will have a house full of children before you know it.” Rage began to rise in you, turning your blood hot. “But she’s doing her job, correct? Taking care of the house, cooking, cleaning, all of that? I won’t have any daughter of David (L/N) be seen poorly and not doing her duties as a wife.”

“Father…” You began softly but your father overlooked you.

“Why, when Ester and I got married, she was pregnant within the first few months. There aren’t any issues with your love life, is there?” David asked.

“Father, shut up!” You screamed, shooting to your feet. All the anger and humiliation that you had felt all your life came bubbling up and out of your mouth. “How dare you speak to Alfie like that! How dare you speak to me like that! I am my own woman, Father, and I demand that you treat me like one. I am my fucking person, do I make myself clear? Alfie and I are doing fine in the life that we have built for ourselves. I have a job now, you know? Working at a dress maker’s shop. And you know what, Alfie let me. Fuck, I didn’t even ask him! I went and did it without his permission! Can you fucking believe it!?” You threw up your hands in revulsion. “You really should learn to treat people with respect.”

Your father, as you expected, did not take kindly to that. He stood, his face growing red with anger. “How dare you speak to me in such a way!” He snarled at you. “Is this what happens when I marry you off to this poor excuse of a man, huh!? You think you’re all high and mighty now because you’re the wife of Alfie Solomons?!”

“He is not a poor excuse for a man. He is the perfect gentleman. It is you, Father, it is you who is the poor excuse of a man! And I am not the wife of Alfie Solomons! I am my own fucking person!” You weren’t quite sure what came over you at that moment but you reached forward and grabbed your cake, smashing it right into your father’s face. The room was so still you could hear a pin drop. “Alfie, we are leaving.” You announced and Alfie was quick to get up and leave.

The drive home was a silent one for your anger was still coursing through your veins. Alfie let you sit in silence the car ride home but followed you upstairs into your room. “That was fucking brilliant, you know.” He commented from the doorway. “You fucking threw a fucking cake at your fucking father.”

“I didn’t know fuck could be used so often in one sentence.” You muttered as you sat down on the bed, starting to take your earrings off. “I don’t know what came over me.” You admitted.

“Nothing came over you. You just discovered that you do have a backbone and you decided to fucking use it. I knew you had it in you all along. Just seemed to take a lot of pushing to get it out.” Alfie leaned against the doorway as he watched you take off your shoes. “I’m proud of you (Y/N). Real fucking proud.” You watched Alfie give you a small smile before he left. 

You finished getting undressed and changed into a nightgown before making your way to Alfie’s room. Knocking on his door and entering when told to, you found Alfie laying on the bed in a pair of trousers and a white shirt. “Everythin’ alright?” Alfie asked, pausing from what he was reading.

“I can’t believe I threw a cake in my father’s face.” You declared and Alfie laughed, setting aside his book.

“I think it was the best thing I’ve seen in quite a long time. And I get to see your face every day.” He teased, motioning for you to come to him. You did, climbing on the other side of the bed with Cyril on your feet. 

“I feel like I’ve been missing out on life.” You told Alfie as you nestled yourself in the crook of his arm. “I feel like I’ve missed so much because I was too afraid to stand up for myself.”

“Hmm, well, we’re young and we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, yeah? So we can start living now.”

“Are you always so philosophical?” You teased. Alfie smirked.

“Only for you, love.” He declared before picking up his book once more. He began to read it out loud for you, knowing how much you enjoyed it. And that was how you fell asleep that night, tucked up against Alfie’s chest


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Russian plot finally plays out

It was about a week after Tommy and Grace’s wedding that Thomas showed up at your door. When he knocked, you opened it, moderately surprised but welcoming him inside. “Shouldn’t you be on your honeymoon?” You asked Tommy, offering to take his coat.

“Aye, but it seemed that life has other plans.” Tommy gave you a weary smile as he handed his coat over. “Is Alfie here?”

“Yes, he’s in the living room.” You showed Tommy the way, finding Alfie asleep on the couch with Cyril laying next to him. “Alfie, wake up.” You murmured, going over to your husband and shaking his shoulder. “Alfie, Tommy’s here to see you.” It took a few moments before Alfie woke, blinking drowsily up at you. 

“Huh?” He mumbled, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. “Ah, fuck.” Alfie declared then as his eyes landed on Thomas. “You know mate, I would really wish I didn’t have to wake up and see your fucking face.” 

“Alfie, be nice.” You scolded, smacking him on the shoulder. “It’s almost dinner time anyway. Tommy, will you be joining us?”

“I don’t believe so. Grace is expecting me home shortly.” Tommy answered and you nodded, leaving the men to talk. As you finished up cooking dinner, you caught bits and pieces of their conversation. It was about the Russians. It seemed to be the only thing that was on Alfie’s mind nowadays. When Alfie came in for dinner, you asked him about it.

“Ah, yes, that.” Alfie rubbed at his face as you slid a piece of homemade pizza onto his plate. “I...I know that I promised I would be honest with you but…” You suddenly knew where this was going. You sat down, sitting stiffly in your chair, making your face void of emotion. Alfie noticed this and leaned across the table, attempting to take your hand but you pulled away.

“What did you not tell me?” You asked him, voice cold.

“It was...Tommy and me, we came up with a plan of how to deal with the fucking Russians.” Alfie began, leaning back in his chair. “That was what we had been talking about at the wedding...and I did not tell you because I didn’t want you to worry nor to panic because the situation is not looking in our favor.” Alfie glanced over, meeting your hard gaze before he rapidly continued. “Anyways, the plan is to try to fool the Russians. We were originally going to meet 15 days after the meeting but the Russians suddenly pulled out of the whole thing which of course, raised eyebrows.” Alfie paused, taking a quick sip of water.

“So, after that, we came up with a new plan. Which is where...we need your help. That was what Tommy had told me the day of the weddin’ and I didn’t want to worry you. But we don’t see any other way. We’re going to make it simple and easy. Meet with the Russians, get the first half of the jewels that they give us. I’ll make sure that they’re real before giving the Russians tickets to France where they can get a boat that’ll take them to the States. Once they’re in France though... an, uh, an accident will happen to them and they will not make it to the States. It’ll appear that their car crashed because of a drunk driver.” Your mouth dropped open and Alfie refused to meet your gaze.

“But...Alfie. These people...they’re people. Why are you killing them just for some stupid jewels?” You asked, your fingers coming up to clutch the Star of David necklace that Alfie had given you. “Why can’t you just say no to them and forget that this whole thing ever happened? It goes against everything in our religion too! When God gave Moses the Ten Commandments, he declared that thou shall not murder! Are you just going to ignore God’s command? Why are you doing this, Alfie?” 

“Because me and Tommy...there’s a lot of...these people are bad (Y/N). Real fucking bad. They were the ones who ordered the massacres of Jews in Russia. They’re the reason that so many died for no reason other than religious difference.” 

“Alfie, that does not make it alright to go and kill them though!” Alfie raised his head and met your gaze and it stunned you to see that Alfie’s eyes had filled with tears.

“It will for me, (Y/N). Those Russians...it was their orders that wiped out my whole fucking family.” You moved to speak but Alfie kept going, his eyes focusing on the wall over your shoulder. “They were the ones who ordered the soldiers to go through towns and to kill everybody. Man, woman, child, babe...animals too. Just kill them all and burn down their synagogues.” Tugging on his beard, Alfie forced himself to continue.

“I was over in England at the time that this was happenin’. I had sent money for my mum, my two brothers, and my sister to get tickets out of Russia and come live here, with me. The money didn’t get there in time. A neighbor wrote to me...sayin’ that they had all been cut down and slaughtered. Even my sister...she was just 5 at that time. They mutilated and...well, I’m sure you can imagine what happened to them.” Alfie’s eyes focused on yours and you saw a sight you thought that you would never see. Tears were running down Alfie’s cheeks.

Saying nothing, you pushed your chair back and went to Alfie’s side of the table. Alfie seemed to know what was coming and stood to meet you, wrapping his arms around you, burying his face in your shoulder as you held him tight. “I understand now, Alfie.” You whispered, rubbing his back soothingly. While you did not approve of this plan, you could see the motive. You just prayed that you could forgive yourself for allowing this to happen and that God would forgive you. You also prayed that God would forgive Alfie.

Once Alfie had quieted down a bit, the two of you went back to dinner and ate in silence for a bit. “See though, we need your help (Y/N). In case the Russians try to pull some shit on us during the meeting. We need you there to translate again.” You swallowed your bite of pizza before nodding in agreement. “Wait, you’ll do it?” Alfie asked, looking a bit taken aback by this.

“Yes, I will if this means that you’ll be able to rest easy at night and if it means I’ll somehow be able to help keep you safe.” And it was true. The thought of Alfie getting injured a situation like this was not one you liked to consider so if there was something you could do to assist, you would do it. You looked down at your half-eaten slice of pizza before glancing up at Alfie. “When will this all happen?” You asked.

“A week from tomorrow, in the evening,” Alfie answered. “And like last time, we’re going to have plan after plan in case things go wrong. And I want you to carry a gun on you. Hide it in a dress or something but I want you to have something to protect yourself.”

“Alfie, I have no idea how to fire a gun.”

“Seriously? I would’ve thought that with your father, being who he is and all…” Alfie waved his hand in the air as if this explained it all.

“No. He refused to have me near anything like that. I was never part of that life of his. He kept me as far away as he could from it all.” 

“Have you ever heard gunfire?” You nodded. 

“Only a few times though.” You admitted and Alfie nodded, scratching his beard as he thought for a moment.

“Tomorrow night, after you’ve finished up with work, I want you to come by the bakery, alright? We’re going to teach you how to fire a gun.”

And indeed, the next night, when you arrived at the bakery, Alfie was there, waiting for you. “How was work?” Alfie asked as he came over to you.

“It was alright. A nice quiet day.” You glanced around the bakery for a moment before looking at Alfie. “We aren’t going to fire a gun here...are we?” Alfie shook his head quickly.

“No, of course not. It’s not safe in here with all the rum and shit. There’s a place a bit of a walk away from here.” Alfie said and led the way out of the factory. He locked up the doors for the night before leading the way down the street. As you walked, Alfie spoke about this and that (rambles really) but you had begun to grow fond of his rambles so you didn’t stop him.

Eventually, Alfie led you to a...shooting range, something you did not expect. It was empty but Alfie pulled out a key, letting himself in. ‘“Called in a favor from an old friend.” He commented. “And yes, this is completely legal so don’t worry. Figured what better way to learn how to shoot than at a shooting range.”

Alfie led you in, closing the gate behind you and leading you to a massive open field with various targets set up. “Right so, this is your gun.” Alfie handed you a pistol and you took it carefully in your hands, surprised how heavy it felt. Alfie pointed out the basics, explaining that safety was the most important thing. “Right so now, you just point the gun and pull the trigger.” You looked up at Alfie, looking and feeling quite unsure about this. “Relax, alright? There’s no way you can hit anyone since we’re the only two who are here.” Alfie said, putting a gentle hand on your shoulder. 

“Right.” You swallowed the lump in your throat as you felt Alfie move so he was behind you, his chest pressed against your back. His hands reached out and took yours, showing you how to hold the gun properly and how to lift your arms at just the right angle. His voice was quiet in your ear, his breath on your neck causing goosebumps to erupt on your skin. If Alfie noticed (and you were sure he did) he didn’t comment.

“Alright now, love. Shoot the target over there.” Alfie instructed and readjusting your stance once more. Alfie’s hands reached out and held yours to try and help you keep the gun from shaking but your hands were shaking far too much for it to be much success. You shot and the bullet whizzed past the target. The kickback from the shot startled you and you rocketed back into Alfie’s ready arms. You let out a shout, partly in surprise from the force of the gun and the noise. “Not bad, not bad.” Alfie murmured and you gave him a weak nod.

“I didn’t expect it to be that loud...or that forceful.” You whispered and Alfie nodded in understanding. 

“Ready to try again?” You slowly nodded and once more, Alfie helped you find your position again. “Keep your eyes focused on the target.” The second time you shot the gun, you managed to not scream but you still did rock back into Alfie’s waiting arms. Alfie’s hands were gentle as he steadied you and you looked to see that you had missed the target once more. Alfie seemed unbothered by this, however, and instead had you try again.

The firing continued and continued until finally, you hit the target. An odd sense of pride came over you as you finally made your mark and Alfie was beyond thrilled. “Ah! I told you that you could do it!” He declared. “And look at that! Spot on too! Fucking brilliant.” You turned around to face Alfie, looking up at his face. It was filled with such joy, his warm smile radiating down on you. You suddenly felt quite warm and you were sure that you were blushing.

“Thank you, Alfie.” You murmured and Alfie nodded. Without warning, he leaned down and cupped your cheeks, kissing you. It was the first true, proper kiss you two had shared since the wedding. Alfie’s lips were warm and soft against yours. This kiss was not one given out of necessity like the wedding kiss. This kiss was given because Alfie wanted to kiss you.

You blinked in surprise at the feeling of Alfie’s lips on yours before pulling away, taking a few steps back. “(Y/N), I…” Alfie’s face was complicated to read. Was he upset over this? Hurt? Did he understand that you just...couldn’t? Not right now.

“Alfie…I can’t.” You whispered, turning to look away, look anywhere but at your husband’s face, for now, you could read it. Alfie was hurt. It was as simple as that. 

“We should go home,” Alfie muttered and before you could say anything, he led the way out of the shooting range. The walk home was silent and tense. Alfie was upset, that much was clear and you felt like you owed him an explanation. Except the thing was...you didn’t know why you had pulled away from the kiss. It had not been forced upon you in any way...and yet you did not want it.

“Alfie, please, let me explain.” You said once the two of you got home, hanging up your coat and placing the gun on the nearby table. “Please, just listen to me!” This did cause Alfie to pause and turn to look at you. “I just...I don’t think I was ready for that, Alfie. I don’t really know why but I just wasn’t ready.” Alfie took a deep breath which he let out slowly.

“Of course, I understand. I apologize if I made you uncomfortable in any way.” Alfie said and pressing your lips together, you nodded your thanks. That night, everything went as normal with dinner and the two of you reading together so you prayed that things would be alright in the end.

Things did eventually go back to normal between you and Alfie. Every day after work, Alfie would take you to the gun range and had you continue practicing firing the gun. You did get used to it and once you got the hang of shooting, it turned out that you were a decent shot. Every night after dinner, then you and Alfie went over the plan for the Russians. 

It would go much as it did last time. You would stay silent and follow Tommy and Alfie inside. They would tell the Russians about the plan of traveling to France and would even give them the tickets for the boat and train. They would give you the jewels in return and everything would be wrapped up and finished. You had no part in the plan afterward which you were grateful for.

“I don’t give a fuck ‘bout them jewels, (Y/N). I want you to be safe...if something happens to you ‘cause of me, I’d never forgive myself.” Alfie told you. “It’s my fault we’re in this fucking situation so I am responsible for it all, yeah?”

As Alfie told you, again and again, your purpose was to listen and make sure that the Russians would not try anything behind Alfie and Tommy’s back such as they did last time with the fake jewels. If things turned south, you were to leave. You protested, saying that you couldn’t but Alfie gave you such a fearsome look that you quieted and accepted it. 

Twas the night before the meeting and once more your anxieties got the better of you. You were doing your best to sew up a few clothes while Alfie read out loud, but your hands were shaking so much that you kept stabbing your thumb. What if you died? The chance of that was extremely high from the sound of it. Would God forgive you for the sins you had committed? Worse though...what if you killed someone? Or what if someone died because of you? Could you live with that guilt? What if it was Ollie who took the bullet for you? If it was Ollie...you could never live yourself. Adah and the children...the children would be growing up without a father. Adah would lose her husband...all because of you.

The more you thought about this all, the more anxious you became. Your breathing started to grow heavier as if every breath you took weighed a hundred pounds on your chest. Your eyes began to water and you squeezed them shut, trying to regain some control over your breathing without any luck. There was a sharp pain in your thumb and you looked down to see that your needle had stabbed you and had drawn blood. Your blood. What if tomorrow it was your blood that spilled?

Your eyes shut once more as your breathing became more ragged, your chest heaving with the attempt to breathe. Suddenly there were warm hands in yours. Warm, familiar hands. Alfie’s hands. Your eyes opened a tad to see Alfie kneeling in front of you, looking quite concerned. He moved and pulled you into his chest, holding you there securely. No, that wasn’t what you wanted though. You needed air. Space.

You pushed him away, a soft cry escaping your lips as you did so. Alfie let you slide from his arms without a fight. Somehow you ended up on the ground, back against the chair. You closed your eyes again, another cry coming from you as you tried and tried to get your breathing back. You couldn’t breathe. Everything was collapsing around you.

Fur. Soft fur. There was soft fur between your fingers. You clung to the fur as you heard Alfie whisper, telling you to focus on Cyril’s breathing and the feeling of the fur and nothing more. It took time, how much time you did not know, but feeling Cyril’s calm breath and focusing on his fur allowed you to slow your breathing down till you were breathing normally once more. 

“You alright there?” Alfie asked as you lifted your head to look at him. He handed you a glass of cold water which you drank gratefully.

“I think so?” You mumbled, rubbing your eyes with your sleeve. “I...I don’t know what happened.”

“I think you just got a bit overwhelmed,” Alfie answered. “Got to be too much for your mind to handle and well...that happened. Happened during the war. Want...want to talk about anything?” You paused, gulping your water for your throat was extremely dry.

“I just...a lot of thoughts were goin’ through my head...about what if you died or I died. I don’t think I’m afraid of death but what if someone died because of me? What if like, Ollie, took a bullet meant for me and died because of that? His family would be…” You trailed off but Alfie knew what you meant. He moved and sat next to you, pulling his legs up and letting his arms rest on his knees.

“That’s a lot of ‘what if’s’ though,” Alfie commented to you. “What if the sun blew up tomorrow? What if you woke up to find out your skin turned purple? I know we’ve got a shitty situation on our hands but as we said during the war, it’s Fubar.”

“What does that mean?”

“Fucked up beyond all recognition.” You couldn’t help but laugh wearily, resting your head against Alfie’s shoulder. “I know you’re scared but remember all the plans that we have?” Alfie asked. “We won’t be alone. There will be men hiding everywhere, ready to jump out and protect at all costs. You’re going to be safe.” Alfie took your hand, bringing it to his lips and pressing a gentle kiss to it.

“But what about you, Alfie?” You whispered. “What if something happens to you?” What if Alfie got shot? What if...he died? Your relationship certainly was a unique one and despite pulling away from the kiss, you still did care for Alfie deeply. What would you do if he died? 

“I can protect myself. I’ve done it a million times before and I can do it again.” Alfie murmured. “I’ll have my gun with me and you’ll have a gun as well, right? Tommy will have his gun and we will be well protected, alright?” Alfie’s eyes searched your face, noting how tight your jaw was clenched and the worry etched in your face. “I know my words don’t help much but just...trust me.”

You and Alfie stayed together until it was time for bed. When you went to your room, Alfie paused at the doorway, glancing around what had been his room. You had offered to live in the guest room but Alfie had refused. “Alfie?” You asked, turning to look at him.

“Hmm?”

“Can you..stay with me tonight?” That was the first time you had ever directly asked Alfie to share a bed with you. All the other times had been accidents or just silent understanding. 

“Of course. Let me go get ready for bed and then I’ll come back, yeah?” You smiled your thanks and got ready for bed. You were in your nightgown by the time Alfie came back and he crawled into bed with you. Cyril jumped up, worming his way up to the middle of the bed so he was right between the two of you. Alfie chuckled, turning the light off and you were engulfed into the darkness. 

“I don’t think I can sleep, Alfie.” You said into the darkness. “I’m just too...there’s just too much going on in my mind.”

“I know the feeling.” Alfie murmured. “Happened all the time during the war. Do you know how we dealt with that though? We told stories. Why don’t I tell you one, eh?”

“Alright.” You answered and Alfie cleared his throat. 

“Right, so, this is one that I remembered was told to me by some gent. Now, this bloke, he was a fucking good guy despite the fact that he smelled like shit all the fuckin’ time. I mean it. All the fuckin’ time!” You couldn’t help but giggle. “I mean, we all smelled but he was the worst. Anyways, it was he who told me this story.” With that, Alfie began to tell you an old Native American tale about the wolf. The moon was the mother of all wolves, Alfie told you, and the moon loved all her wolf children but especially one named John. Alfie had forgotten the actual name of the wolf so he decided just to call the wolf John.

It had made you laugh which had been Alfie’s goal.

As he continued, his words painted a beautiful picture in your head of wolves running free in a wide-open plain, howling and calling for Mother Moon. You were asleep before Alfie finished the story.

The next morning dawned dark and dreary with rain in the forecast. You two went about your normal routine with you doing your best to stay focused on the tasks at hand. Far too soon you were brought to the car and Alfie drove to the meeting place. Once more it was an old building that the Shelbys owned. Alfie parked and looked over to you. “If anything goes wrong today...I am sorry for bringing you into this.” He murmured.

“It was my own free will to come here, Alfie.” You answered, staring straight ahead of you. 

“You wouldn’t be here though if I had not agreed to marry you. You would probably still be at home, somewhere safe, perhaps with a proper man. Not a crook like me.” You licked your lips, turning now to look at Alfie.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” As you said those words, you realized it was true. While the feelings you had for Alfie might not be love, you still cared deeply about the man. Alfie had made your life better. Your life felt like it had a purpose and that you were more than just a dutifully housewife. Alfie squeezed your hand a final time before getting out of the car. You waited behind and closed your eyes, saying the most important prayer in Judaism. The Shema. 

Once your prayer had been said and you asked for God to protect you and Alfie, you followed suit and the two of you walked over to Thomas who was waiting. “Let’s get this shit done with quickly,” Alfie muttered and Tommy nodded in silent agreement. The two men led the way into the building to find that the Russians were already there. It seemed that they had brought backup. Your stomach began to twist itself into knots and it took all your self-control not to throw up then and there. 

Ten. They had ten men. Shelby had brought more but the fact that this was so out in the open, that somebody could pull a gun and fire a bullet in an instant was more than enough to scare any sane person. Perhaps you were not sane then for you found yourself standing behind Alfie silently. Alfie and Tommy sat at the table, staring at the Russians. 

“Right so, let’s make this painless so we can all get home.” Alfie declared. “So, here are the tickets.” He pulled them from his jacket pocket and handed them over. “And where are the jewels?” One of the Russian men leaned down and produced a sack which he tossed to Alfie. As Alfie pulled one out and began to examine it, the Russians began to talk to each other.

_“Are we ready?”_

_“Give them one more minute to let them get distracted then we will shoot.”_

The words you heard chilled you down to the bone and your hands began to shake. You needed to tell Alfie without alerting the Russians. How...Yiddish. Of course! 

_“Alfie, they have guns and they are going to shoot within a minute.”_ You announced to Alfie in Yiddish. 

Alfie glanced over to you before turning back to the jewels. “Now, you see this here, Tommy?” Alfie said, showing the other man the jewel. “This is a jewel that represents something. How interesting is that?”

“Alfie, get to the point,” Tommy grumbled.

“You see, this jewel here, it fucking represents traitors.” Tommy got the message and within a blink of an eye, guns had been drawn and were pointed in every direction at the enemy. Tommy’s men appeared, guns were drawn as well while the Russians were quick to point at Tommy’s men. There were guns pointed directly at you, Alfie, and Tommy. 

“Look, gents, why don’t we-” Tommy didn’t get to finish his sentence before the sound of gunfire was heard and one of the Russians dropped dead. Pure chaos erupted and you found yourself being thrown to the ground, Alfie’s body on top of you. Your body hit the floor with a painful thud and sharp pain flew through your head, causing you to cry out in pain.

“Get to the fucking car!” Alfie ordered you, scrambling off of you. You couldn’t tell which way was up or down. Which way was left or right. You stumbled up, wobbling and Alfie noticed. With a grunt, he grabbed your hand and yanked you forward, shoving you behind a massive pile of boxes. “Stay here and get out when you can,” Alfie demanded over the sound of gunfire and screams. He pressed a quick kiss to your head before taking off to help.

You moved so you could watch, gun clutched in your hand. How has that gotten there? You did not even remember pulling it out. Your eyes scanned the men. Where was Alfie? Your eyes spotted Ollie and Tommy but not Alfie? Your pulse was racing and for a moment, all you could hear was the sound of your pulse thumping through you. You continued to scan for Alfie until...there it was. That familiar hat. Alfie who had just successfully fired a shot. You watched as he began to reload from behind a box but unbeknownst to Alfie, a Russian man was sneaking up behind him. You watched the man behind Alfie. He raised a gun and pointed it at Alfie’s head.

You didn’t think. Your body acted purely on instinct. You raised your gun and pulled the trigger.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The bullet fired. There was blood. But there was also love
> 
> CW: Mentions of death, specifically that of children but only for a brief moment

Your shot was dead on. The bullet whirred through the air and found its target, smashing into the Russian, resulting in him falling backward, dead. Alfie’s eyes looked at the man behind him for a moment before his eyes searched for the culprit. When his gaze landed on you, you nodded, confirming his silent question. “Get out!” Alfie yelled at you then and you somehow heard him over the gunfire and yells. 

Pushing yourself back so you were hidden once more, your eyes scanned the area until you detected the door. You inched to the edge of the box you were hiding behind before taking your chance. You sprang up and sprinted forward, disappearing behind another few boxes, scraping the ground vigorously. At least you had 

With your pulse still roaring in your ears, you shot ahead and ran straight for the door. The breath of pure air hit you like a punch in the gut and you hit the ground, vomiting.

As you heaved and coughed, unbeknownst to you, an injured Russian had sought to escape via the door. He took his chance and while you were down on the ground; he dashed forward and wrapped his hands around your throat. Pure instinct kicked in. There was no other way to describe it. You attacked back, limbs flying in every which direction until you contacted body parts. The man was quick to double over in pain, releasing his grip from around your throat.

Still, with the adrenaline coursing through your veins, you continued to kick and screech. What you were screaming was unbeknownst to you. All you knew was that you had to fight. A pair of muscular arms abruptly wrapped themselves around your middle, lifting you off the ground. You shrieked, trying to wriggle free. You got a solid kick against your captor’s knee for you heard him groan. 

“(Y/N)! (Y/N!)” Alfie yelled as he struggled to get you under control. He let you go, and you spun around, ready to strike but stopped when you saw who it was. “You’re okay, you’re okay,” Alfie said, holding up his hands to show that he was unarmed. “You’re okay, (Y/N). It’s just me, alright?”

“Alfie…” You muttered, stretching out for him. He surged forward, collecting you into his arms as you collapsed. Alfie held you tightly in his arms as you sobbed into his shoulder. Your sobs turned more into hysterics and you felt yourself losing control of your body. Pure panic began to take over, and you gripped Alfie’s shirt as if this was your buoy that would keep you afloat in the sea of panic. 

“It’s alright, love. It’s alright, sweetheart.” Alfie’s voice broke through your panicked haze but it was not enough. You tried to get your mind to focus on something. On anything. All you could taste was blood in your mouth and it was practically enough to make you vomit again. Instead, you let go of Alfie’s shirt and wrapped your arms around his neck in a crushing hug. Alfie held you for some time as your screams began to quiet and your tears flowed to a stop.

You gingerly removed yourself from Alfie’s arms, your muscles screaming in protest for they had been in the same position for a prolonged time. You and Alfie were the only ones left and Alfie was sitting in the grass. “You alright there?” Alfie asked, reaching forward and stroking your tear-stained cheek.

“What happened?” You whispered.

“Well, after we found you...you just had a...break down, I guess. Wouldn’t stop screaming. I think you were saying some shit at some point but couldn’t make it out. And well...Tommy’s men cleaned everything up and left.” Alfie explained. “We’ve been here probably two hours. Do you think you’re ready to go home?”

“Yes, please.” Alfie stood, groaning softly as he stood, knees cracking. The ride home was soundless but when you saw your reflection, tears began to slip silently once more. You were a mess, which you couldn't care less about. But, you had blood on your face, your shirt, on your hands...was it your blood? Or someone else’s? You didn’t dare ask, not wanting to hear the answer.

When you arrived home, Cyril vaulted up to you and you knelt, throwing your arms around the dog once more. Cyril licked at every spot he could, getting your ears and a bit of your cheek. Despite everything, a weary smile crossed your lips. 

“(Y/N)?” Alfie crouched down next to you. “Do you want me to draw you a bath?” You nodded and he squeezed your shoulder before going upstairs. You and Cyril gradually made your way up after him. Walking into the bathroom, Alfie had gotten you a fresh towel, but the bath was almost ready. Alfie glanced over as you walked in, Cyril staying at the edge of the door since he was a not fan of water. “I’ll uh leave you. Hollar if you need anything.” He told you, making a move to leave, but you reached out, grabbing his hand.

“Thank you, Alfie.” You whispered and Alfie gave you a fatigued smile in response. You couldn’t read what he was feeling, but you were too weary to care. Once Alfie left, you undressed and sank into the bath where you began to scrub at your skin until your skin was raw and red but the blood was gone. 

The water had turned a light pink color, and you questioned if this was what the water looked like when Moses turned the seas to blood in the Torah.

Once you finished, you climbed out and dried yourself off and went into your room to find it empty. Pulling on a fresh nightdress, you climbed into your side of the bed, gazing at the wall before you. Alfie came in shortly thereafter and moved to climb into bed but you spoke hastily.  
“Please, no. Not tonight.” Alfie stopped and blinked at you in surprise for a moment before nodding silently. He went to your side and sat down in the chair next to the bed, opening up a book and began to read out loud. 

“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.” A small smile slipped upon your lips as Alfie began to read your beloved book out loud. You weren’t sure why you had rejected Alfie that night. He had not harmed you in any way but you still felt worried. Doing your best to push this aside, you allowed the familiar words of Jane Austen to lured\ you to sleep that night.

By some revelation you suffered no nightmares that night though, looking back on it later, you assumed it was because you had worn yourself out so much. That morning, Alfie was up before you and when you walked into the kitchen, he was standing over the stove. “Smells good.” You commented as you went over to Alfie, leaning your head on his arm.

“Aye, good. I’m glad. Half worried I would burn this place down or something.” You gave Alfie’s arm a light kiss before you sat for breakfast. That day, Alfie stayed home with you and he did everything he could to keep your mind off of what happened. You and Alfie ventured out to London for the day, Alfie trying his best to spoil you with gifts and to keep you distracted. It seemed to be his silent way of apologizing for what happened.

Neither of you said anything of how you jumped and clung to Alfie when a car backfired.

That night, Alfie continued to read to you and continued to obey your wish of not sharing a bed. It was that night when the nightmare came.

You were in the warehouse, standing with a gun pointed at the man you had shot. He had two small children clinging to his legs. A boy and a girl. They were screaming, begging you not to shoot their daddy. A woman stood next to him, a small babe cradled in her arms. She was screaming at you.

“Murderer! Murderer!” The words circled in your head and your hand began to shake even more. You tried to tell her you had no choice, that you had to shoot him but your words weren’t working. Instead, your finger pulled the trigger and the bullet shot, hitting the little boy straight in the head. You had no control over your hands now and as the little girl screamed for her brother, your finger pulled the trigger and a bullet fired at her, killing her. 

Another bullet went, killing the mother then another that killed the baby. A final bullet went for the father.

Things went silent as you gazed at the blood bath before you. Blood slid from the bodies, snaking its way into your shoes. Without thinking, your hand moved, and you pressed the gun against your temple and pulled the trigger.

You woke with a scream, frantically feeling around your head for some bullet wound. You found the injury from earlier and while it had just needed minor treatment; it reminded you you had done it. You had shot and killed a man.

The door burst open and Alfie came rushing in, gun drawn. Flicking the light on, Alfie glanced around as he tried to see what had caused you to scream. “(Y/N)?” Your eyes widened at the sight of the gun and you pressed yourself back farther against the bedframe, shaking.

“No, no, no.” You began to mumble. “No, no, not again. Please don’t make me do this. Please don’t. I didn’t want to, but I didn’t know what else to do. Oh God, please forgive. Please God, please. I am begging you.” You gripped the bedframe in your hands, watching Alfie immediately set the gun aside and came closer. “No! Go away!” You screamed. “This is your fault! All your fault! This...this whole marriage! I killed a man, Alfie! I killed a man for you! God will never forgive me now and I’m just...this is all your fault! I wish...I wish you were dead!” You could hardly comprehend what was coming from your mouth but Alfie could.

You watched his face harden as he registered your words. His normally warm blue eyes turned to ice and his posture stiffened. He said nothing, promptly leaving and closing the door behind him. Once more the tears came and that night, you cried yourself to sleep.

The next morning when you woke, your eyes were swollen and red. You looked like an absolute mess, but at that moment, you couldn't care less. The words that had been exchanged last night flew back to your head, and you wanted to scream at yourself for saying such things. You scampered out of bed, pulling the door open. “Alfie!” You called but received no answer. Continuing to call Alfie’s name, you made your way eventually down to the kitchen but Alfie was not there. 

Neither was Cyril.

Not knowing what else to do, you went back upstairs and got dressed. How could you convince Alfie that what you had said was a mistake, that you had meant none of those words? You put on your best dress and best makeup, putting every strand of hair in its place before going downstairs. Perhaps if you looked good on the outside, it would make you feel better on the inside.

It didn't.

Finding yourself unable to eat, you began to clean the kitchen, scrubbing furiously at pans and pots till they shone like stars. It kept your body and your mind busy which was what you desired. Around noon, Alfie came back home. You no longer looked like the perfect housewife, with your makeup smudged and hair a mess but you didn’t care. As Cyril greeted you, you heard Alfie’s footsteps storm up the stairs and you hurried after him. “Alfie!” You called as you chased after him. “Alfie! Please, stop! Please! I want to talk!”

“What? So you can tell me more about how I ruined your life and how this whole marriage is my fucking fault?” Alfie shook his head as he made his way into his room. You followed him frantically.

“Alfie! I had a dream that I killed that man and his three children and his wife! His baby, Alfie! His baby was dead because of me! I pulled the trigger!” Alfie stopped and turned to face you. The emotion of your face was so raw that Alfie found himself taking your hand. Your eyes were shimmering with tears but you held them in. Every fiber of your being begged Alfie to forgive you. “I know what I said last night, Alfie...but I was terrified. I was out of my mind with fear…” Your voice began to quiver but you swallowed, pushing on. “I was so scared then, Alfie. I thought you were going to die. I wish I had never said those fucking words.” You hardly ever swore so the fact that you said "fuck" made it clear that you meant your words.

“Alfie...you mean too much to me now to ever wish you were dead. I couldn’t live without you...I don’t want to live without you.” Alfie reached his free hand out cupping your cheek. He was silent, his gaze serious as he stared at you. You didn’t break eye contact. You wanted Alfie to see how much he really meant to you. “Over these past few months...a lot of things have changed. I just pray that you and God will forgive me.” You whispered. Your eyes searched his face, a face you had once feared but now...loved? Admired? You weren’t sure,, but all you knew was that you loved Alfie’s face. A surge of courage shot through your veins like an electric current and you leaned forward, kissing Alfie’s lips.

Alfie seemed unsure at first and you held your breath, waiting to see if the kiss would be reciprocated. And it was. Alfie wrapped his arms around your waist as he returned the kiss passionately. When you broke away, you loosely wrapped your arms around Alfie’s neck, his hands staying on your hips.

“I know you were scared,” Alfie said as he gazed down at you. “It’s a dangerous life we live, but God will forgive you because you’ve got a good heart in ye.”. You prayed that he was right. You were pulled into Alfie’s chest and you felt his chin rest upon your head. “I know what yeh said was not meant but...it is not something you ever want to hear. But why don’t we put this behind us and go for a little holiday, eh? I remember you mentioned like the ocean...so why don’t we go find a small house and take a vacation.”

“I would love that.” You murmured. “It might be a tad cold since it’s only February though.” Alfie gave a soft hum. 

“Why don’t we wait till it gets warmer then?” Alfie suggested, and you nodded in agreement. It would be something to look forward to. 

That night, as you and Alfie were getting ready for bed, Alfie paused at the entrance to the door of your room. “Do you uh…” The man trailed off before waving his hand uncertainly. You looked over to Alfie for a long moment before nodding. Coming into the bedroom, Alfie climbed in on his side of the bed as you climbed in on your side. Once Alfie was in, you scooted closer and rested your head on his shoulder. You felt Alfie’s lips press a sweet kiss to your head before the two of you settled down for the night.

Eventually, Alfie had to go back to work, and you reassured him you would be fine. He had spent nearly a week at your side doing his best to keep you occupied. Nightmares were a recurring theme now, and it was always the same. You told Alfie he didn’t have to stay, that he could go get some proper sleep, but he always refused. And he was always there when you woke, screaming and crying.

You could tell Alfie blamed himself. The way he would look when he thought you could not see. His face would take on such a depressing look that your heart ached for him. When you tried to get Alfie to talk, he always assured you that things were fine.

After he left for work one day, you took Cyril out for a lengthy walk. You barely paid attention to where your feet led you, lost in thought. What were you supposed to do with yourself now? You had taken a holiday from work after the incident and the thought of going back was unappealing at the moment. Perhaps you should visit Adah and talk to her. That woman always had answers.

As your feet stopped, you found yourself in front of your synagogue. Going in with Cyril at your feet, you quietly went into the prayer room. You took a seat in one of the many rows of chairs, staring ahead at the aron kodesh where the Torah was kept. 

The aron kodesh was beautiful with golden sides that shimmered in the sunlight that streamed through the windows. The wood had images carved into it, retelling stories from the Bible that you knew by heart at this point. The images were a comforting sight to see, and it reminded you of how special this place was This was God’s place and under this roof, you were safe from the outside world.

You began to pray quietly, singing a few prayers that you had always loved before silently praying. 

_God, please forgive me. I know that I have committed a sin and an enormous sin. I don’t believe I had any other choice. I acted purely on instinct and now that I think about it; I don’t believe I could live my life without Alfie. You blessed me with him, God, so thank you for that. He’s a good man, underneath all the scruff and beard. A lot of beard. But the way he holds me after my nightmares, with his warm arms holding me securely, I feel safe. I don’t think I could live without him, so I pray that you forgive me for the sin I have committed, but please try to understand._

_And God, please bless me with a happy marriage._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh sorry for the long wait but I wanted this to be just perfect. I hope you enjoy! LIke/comments/thoughts are always welcomed! Your feedback and love keep me going and give me more inspiration to write! <3


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Repercussions of the shooting, the ocean, and finally sex.
> 
> (NSFW)

After you and Alfie had shared that kiss, things appeared to change between the two of you. Sometimes you would catch Alfie watching you, a smile covered beneath his beard. They were simple moments too that you would catch him looking such as cleaning or cooking. He always seemed to have that smile on his face and whenever you caught sight of it, you would blush. You and Alfie did proceed to share a bed though this turned into a necessity for your nightmares continued to plague you.

Almost every night it was the same nightmare you had experienced the first night, where you shot the man and his family. Sometimes it changed though. One night it was Adah, Ollie and their children. Another night it was Alfie, holding a baby boy in his arms, begging you not to shoot him and your son.

Every time though, you fired the gun and would wake in a cold sweat.

Alfie was always there for you though. He had begun to figure out the pattern of what you needed after nightmares. He would give you a minute or two to refocus before pulling you against him. Sometimes Cyril would join and you would cling to the two of them as if your life depended on it.

These nightmares began to take their toll on you both. Alfie never complained but you could see the weariness in his eyes and noted how he moved at a crawling pace. He reassured you that he was just fine, that it was his back acting, up or something like that, but you knew the truth. You had asked Adah and she established from Ollie that Alfie was indeed wearied, sometimes even going to take naps during lunch.

Naturally, you felt blameworthy. No, worse than blameworthy. There was no word to express what you were feeling other than utter remorse and blame. Your trips to the synagogue increased as did the time you spent there. You prayed that God would forgive you. That God would stop these nightmares and that God would allow Alfie to get proper sleep.

None of your prayers were answered.

The nightmares were also taking their toll on you. No longer did you have the energy you were used to having. Taking Cyril for a walk greater than ten minutes would drain you and you would come back, feeling as if you had run a mile. You still had not gone back to work and even though Alfie prompted you to go, you couldn’t. There was some obscure force preventing you.

So you stayed home, spending hours in isolation, staring off into the distance.

It had been nearly two months since the nightmares had started and spring was upon you. It was March and from your spot in the house, you could observe the grass starting to grow again and the leaves to once more appear on trees. A time of rebirth. A new beginning.

You wished you could regrow your leaves or get your new beginning but alas, it seemed that God had other plans. It was one night that Alfie was working late when you came upon the rum. You had drunk before but this was new. The liquid stung as it went down your throat and you nearly vomited it right back up. How did people drink this stuff? But as you sat there, head leaning on the table, you found yourself feeling a bit...better.

You knew people drank to make problems go away and now you could see why. You took another shot and once more it burned, but it began to make you feel better. You felt weightless and loose. Four more shots later and you could scarcely walk straight. By the time that Alfie came home, you were properly drunk.

“Alfie!” You screamed as you tripped into the foyer where your husband stood, taking off his coat. He paused, eyes sweeping over your body before he understood what happened.

“Fuckin’ hell,” Alfie mumbled and moved forward to catch you before you could drop. “How much did you drink, love?” He asked, helping to support you.

“Why won’t my feet work?” You mumbled. “Work, feet!”

“(Y/N), how much did you have?” Alfie repeated and you shrugged.

“Not enough. That stuff fuckin’ burns, Alfie! Like fire! What if it is liquid fire and I can now breathe fire?” You opened your mouth but no flames came out. “Why isn’t it working?” You mumbled as Alfie escorted you into the kitchen. He cursed when he saw how much you had drunk.

“Alright, come on, sit down now, be a good lass, yeah?” Once you were seated, Alfie went to get you a glass of water. As you waited, you began to sing a prayer in Hebrew though you stumbled over almost all words. Alfie placed a glass of water in front of you. “Drink.”

“What’s this?” You mumbled, lifting the glass to inspect it.

“Water.” Alfie was beginning to lose patience but you couldn’t tell.

“Why?”

“Cause trust me, you’ll want it.”

“But I don’t.”

“Just drink the fucking water!” Alfie seized the glass and guided it to your lips. Your mouth opened and you gulped the water down until it was gone. “Right, up to bed.” Alfie declared. “Can you walk?”

“Of fucking course, I can! I’m a tight rope walker!” You stood up and lurched ahead before putting your hands out, venturing to walk a straight line. Naturally, this did not happen but by some miracle, you made it to the stairs without injuring yourself. Alfie guided you up the stairs though this took nearly half an hour before he succeeded, seeing how your feet were not working.

He had volunteered to carry you and your response was “I’ll fucking bite you Alfie fucking Solomons!” so he vetoed that idea.

By the time you reached the top of the stairs, the two of you were sweaty. Nonetheless, Alfie pushed forward. He got you into the bedroom and to bed, not even bothering with pajamas. “Alfie, join me!” You called and Alfie breathed, doing what was asked of him. You giggled before pushing yourself on top of him, your hands attempting to support you as you leaned over him. “You’re cute!” You declared as Alfie stroked your cheek.

“You’re cute too though I do not envy the hangover you shall have tomorrow.” He murmured. “Come now, let’s sleep.” You shook your head before your hand moved, trying to tug at the front of your dress. Your other hand gave out and you crashed down on Alfie in a fit of giggles and curses. “I’m going to fucking murder you,” Alfie muttered as he pushed you off. 

“Alfie! Let’s do it!” You declared as you were settled down once more in bed. “Let’s have a baby! A ton of babies! Like 50,000 or somethin’. And I know how babies are made so it isn’t that hard! It’s just part one being put into part two or something...I think.” You trailed off as Alfie tenderly pulled the sheets over you.

“(Y/N), sleep,” Alfie whispered as he laid down next to you. You scooted closer to him before flipping over so your back was to his stomach. You grabbed Alfie’s arm, pulling it t over you before growing quiet. Sleep came quickly and for a few blissful hours, you slept without any nightmares. 

This sleep did not last long though and you were woken with such a powerful urge to vomit that you nearly didn’t make it to the bathroom sink. You retched as your stomach contents made an appearance again, causing you to cling to the sink, eyes shut so tightly that you could see stars dancing before your eyes. Your head was pounding furiously and your throat was on fire. Letting out a stifled sob, you tried to hold back but once more, the vomit ensued. 

When it was over, you dropped next to the toilet, trembling fiercely. Tears began to form in your eyes and you had to shut them tightly once more. You succeeded in keeping things down for another twenty minutes before you felt your stomach heave again. As you threw up into the toilet, you felt a warm hand on your back and another holding back your hair until you finished. 

Sitting up, you stared weakly up at Alfie. “Having fun, eh?” He asked and you just moaned in response. Alfie sat next to you on the bathroom floor, leaning against the tub. Silence filled the room except for the sporadic retching noise that came from you. When there was nothing left in your stomach to vomit. When it got to that point, Alfie helped you to your feet, clutching you as you swayed. “So, what was that all about?” He asked, guiding you back to bed where Cyril lay.

“I didn’t want nightmares.” You mumbled as you were assisted to bed. Alfie didn’t say anything in response as he climbed in next to you. His body spoke for him though, pulling you close to him and holding you securely. “Tell me a story, please?” You whispered.

“Aye, well, have I told you the one of the little pig?” Alfie asked, launching into a story before you even had time to reply. You half paid attention to his words but it was his voice that lulled you to sleep that night.

The next morning when you woke, there was only one word to define how you felt. Death. You felt like death. Your head was pounding, your throat was as parched as a desert. Sitting up, the world spun around you and you nearly fell back into the blankets. It took time but eventually, you did succeed in the quest of making it downstairs.

“Morning there...well, afternoon really,” Alfie said as you made your way into the kitchen. You glanced at the clock and saw that it was past 1:00 in the afternoon. 

“Shit.” You mumbled, making your way over to a chair, sinking appreciatively into the seat. Alfie brought you some toast and water, sitting across from you as you nibbled on the bread. 

“Y’know, I’ve been thinkin’.” Alfie said, rubbing his beard. “Perhaps we should go to the ocean sooner rather than later? Just...I think we could both use the time off and away from this...all.” You gave a small nod, pausing to drink your water. The idea of getting away sounded like heaven to you.

After that morning, dates were set and a place was chosen and it was not long before you, Alfie and Cyril, arrived at the cottage by the seashore. It was a perfect place though you had expected that since it was Adah who recommended it. The cottage had a stunning master bedroom, kitchen, a bathroom, small sitting room, all complete with the ocean within a few hundred yards away. 

Once you had unpacked everything, you and Alfie went for the walk. It was still rather chilly to be out strolling on the beach with the wind blowing but you could care less. Neither of you bothered with shoes and as you walked, it seemed that your troubles were lifting and you could ultimately breathe again.

You were the first one to stick your feet in the water, shrieking at the coldness and rushing out. “Told ye it would be cold,” Alfie told you, watching this all from a secure distance away.

“Yes, but what sort of trip would this be if you did not get your feet wet at least once!” You answered, wrapping your shawl a bit tighter around your shoulders to keep the chills at bay. As you began your walk, you stopped every few feet to pick up a shell or rock.

“Bloody hell, woman.” Alfie declared as he watched you slip yet another rock into your dress pocket. “At this rate, your dress is just gonna fall off your fucking body cause it’ll weigh too much.”

“Wouldn’t you like to see that?” You teased.

“Aye, I would,” Alfie answered, eyebrows crinkling together with a smirk on his lips. Your cheeks turned red and you bent down to examine a rock, allowing for your hair to fall and cover your cheeks. You weren’t sure what it was but the thought that Alfie wanted to see you naked...it excited you when before it had horrified you.

The rest of the afternoon was spent walking about. Cyril was the only one who seemed to enjoy the water, seeing how he kept bounding in and out, looking at you and Alfie to see if you would follow him. Neither of you did.

When you got back, you made a warm dinner of chicken while Alfie built a fire. When dinner was ready, the two of you sat down on the couch and ate. There was something...astonishing, about this moment you felt. And as you sat there...you realized something. You loved Alfie. Truly, deeply loved him. This wasn’t some new idea for you, it had been in the back of your subconscious for some time but you had always been afraid which pushed these thoughts to the back of your mind.

But, as you were sitting there, eating dinner while Alfie babbled about starfish, it dawned on you that you loved this man you were sitting next to. When you finished dinner, you set aside your plate before pushing yourself underneath Alfie’s arm, resting your head on the side of his chest. “You alright there, love?” Alfie asked and this time you were aware of your heart racing just a tad more when he called you “love”.

“Fine, just fine. Perfect.” You declared.

That night, you were in bed before Alfie, staring up at the dark ceiling with one thought on your mind. You knew of course what married couples tended to do in bed at night. Sex. You knew what sex was though clearly, you had never experienced it before. You had heard great and grave things about the actions...that it could damage but that it could also be one of the most pleasurable experiences in life.

And now that you trusted and loved Alfie with every fiber of your being...you began to wonder what sex with Alfie would be like. Your wondering grew into wanting and when Alfie joined you in bed, you waited until he settled down before making your move.

You leaned forward, over Alfie and kissed him. He responded gently, cupping your cheek as his lips moved against yours. Now, what though? Alfie seemed to know what to do. He tenderly began to deepen the kiss, kissing you harder. His tongue snuck out, stroking your bottom lip and your mouth seemed to open on its own. Alfie’s tongue slid inside your mouth and while it felt odd...there was something pleasurable about it. No, something more than just pleasurable. The warm feeling of Alfie's lips against yours, the way his beard tickled at your face and the way his tongue felt inside your mouth...this all sent a shot of heat down your body, setting itself in the pit of your stomach. As the kisses grew deeper, the warmth in your stomach began to spread through your body, particularly down in your lower regions.

Alfie guided you onto your back as he took control of the movements. His hand came back up to stroke your cheek while another hand slid down your figure, pausing at your waist. “Is that alright?” He asked, pulling away to whisper. 

“Yes.” You whispered. “I want more, Alfie.” His eyes searched your face, asking the silent question to which you nodded. “I do.” Alfie swooped down and captured your lips once more, his kisses picking up speed as his hand slid up from your waist and to your chest. His thumb found your nipple under your nightdress and it took only a few moments of him rolling your nipple between finger and thumb for it to harden. 

It was your turn for your hands to move and you reached up, pulling Alfie’s nightshirt up and over his head, tossing it to the side. Alfie’s lips moved to your neck and a faint whimper escaped your lips at the feather-light kisses that your neck was receiving. Your hands moved of their own accord, running up and down Alfie’s chest, feeling the muscles underneath your fingers. 

Alfie gradually began to build the strength of kisses and began to suck, pulling another whimper from your lips. You twisted a bit underneath Alfie, trying to get more contact with him against you. Alfie’s hand slid down your side and slipped underneath your nightgown, his fingers brushing the inside of your thigh before drifting across your underwear. “Fucking hell, love.” Alfie murmured, voice husky as he moved his hand back again. “Look at ye...fucking wet.” He paused, looking at you. “Do you want to…?” 

“Yes, Alfie.” You breathed. 

“Are you sure? Because we can wait...we’ve waited this long. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable or make you feel-” You pulled away from Alfie's grip and began to shimmy your way out from underneath Alfie. When he realized what you were doing, Alfie let you slip out with ease, watching as you made your way to his side of the bed and stood before him. Noiselessly keeping eye contact, you reached up and slipped out of your underwear, allowing it to slide to the ground. As you stepped out of it, you moved and pulled the hem of your nightdress up and over your head, allowing that to fall to the ground too. 

And there you stood. Naked. Naked in front of a man. But he was not just any man. No. This was Alfie Solomons. Your husband. Your friend. Your love.

You didn’t feel shame for your body nor for what you had just done. You wanted this. You wanted Alfie.

Watching as Alfie stood, he made his way over to you and pulled you against his chest, kissing you deeply. He turned you and the two of you pitched backward, landing on the bed with you on the bottom. Your kisses grew more frantic as you pulled at Alfie’s pajama bottoms. It took a bit of maneuvering before Alfie was naked before you. 

“Do ye trust me?” He whispered and you gave a silent nod, watching as his head dropped itself between your thighs. A loud gasp escaped your lips as Alfie’s tongue encountered the bundle of nerves before him. He continued to lick and suck, eliciting such lusty moans from you that you were sure people back home could hear.

But you didn’t care because fuck, this felt amazing. Amazing wasn’t even the right word. 

Alfie withdrew his face from between your legs and you whined, wanting him to go back. Instead, Alfie slid a single finger inside of you, resulting in another loud “Oh!” from you. Your hips bucked as Alfie began to slide his finger in and out of you. There was no way to express what it felt like. All you knew was that you desired more.

“Alfie!” You cried, thrusting your hips up and down on Alfie’s finger. Receiving no response, you opened your mouth again only to have no words come out. Alfie had slid a second finger inside of you. This was a tad more of a stretch but you were okay. This continued as Alfie gradually added another finger inside of you. At that point, you were a soaking mess and you could hear the squelching sound every time you thrust against Alfie’s fingers.

“Alfie, please. Please.” You begged him, toes curling in pleasure as Alfie’s thumb rubbed your clit while his fingers continued to fuck you. 

“What is it, love?” Alfie removed his hand from you, sliding up your body as he trailed feather-light kisses. “Tell me what you want.”

“I want you, Alfie. I want you inside me.” Alfie pressed a kiss to your lips before positioning himself above you. 

“Relax, alright? Let me do the work.” He instructed and you nodded, doing your best to relax your hips. You knew Alfie would not hurt you but as he slid inside you you felt yourself stretching, causing you to let out a hiss in pain. Instantly Alfie removed himself from you. “Too much?” Silently you nodded. “It’s alright, let me know if you want to try again.”

“I do.” You assured him, reaching up a hand to stroke Alfie’s cheek. Taking a deep breath, you let it out gradually before nodding at Alfie. Once more he entered you and while it was still stretching, you took a deep breath and focused on Alfie’s eyes. His eyes gazed back at you and as you focused on his eyes, your body relaxed.

You nodded then and very smoothly and steadily, Alfie began to thrust into you. The sensation of pleasure was mixed with pain but Alfie continued his slow and steady pace. The more he continued, the more it began to feel like a pleasure. When you felt comfortable, you began to push your hips upwards to meet his, causing his cock to go deeper into you. This elicited a noisy moan from you as pleasure flooded through your body.

This felt right. This felt natural.

Alfie finally found a good steady pace and held your hips as he fucked you. Now that you were comfortable, Alfie went harder and faster inside you, your sweaty bodies slamming against each other. Before you knew it, Alfie was cumming inside you, filling you with his seed. When his orgasm finished, Alfie wearily pulled out, brushing some of his hair from his face. “Fuckin’ hell.” He mumbled, leaning back on his knees. You said nothing, at a loss for words. “How was that?”

“Amazing.” You admitted and Alfie smirked.

“Just wait. It’s gonna get better.” He announced before reaching above you to grab tissues on the side table. Grabbing a handful, Alfie moved in between your thighs, cleaning you up. 

“Alfie, what are you doing? I thought we were done…”

“Nah, love. We ain’t done till I get you to fucking cum.” And with that, Alfie went to town on you. His tongue made outstanding work of stroking your sensitive nerves, interchanging his tongue for his fingers. What got you though was Alfie humming. The vibrations around your clitoris made your head shoot backward, toes curl, and a loud gasp came from your mouth.

You did not last long after that. As your orgasmed, Alfie continued to hum on your clit until the waves of pleasure receded. Unable to move, you laid there, panting. You had never laid with a man before or done anything adventurous in a sexual nature before this. While you had touched yourself a few times throughout your life, never had you brought yourself to an orgasm. But now it made sense why people painted sex in such a bright light. 

You also did not realize how exhausting it was. Sleep sounded like the best thing at the moment...but where was Alfie?

Eyes flickering open, you lifted your head to see Alfie leaving the bathroom, a damp towel in hand. He was quiet as he sat down next to you and very tenderly, began to wipe and clean you up. Once you were cleaned, Alfie wiped himself off before tossing the towel to the ground. You were pulled against Alfie’s chest and you curled up, Alfie’s arm resting across your waist.

Things were silent in the room with only the distant sound of waves. It smelled of sweat and semen in the room and yet...you found yourself not minding. Alfie had been quiet for some time and you hesitated a moment before whispering his name.

“Eh?” 

“I love you.” There. You had done it. Said those three little words. Words that held so much power. You held your breath, praying that Alfie would say it back to you. You needn’t have worried.

“I love you too, (Y/N). Very much so.” Alfie placed a kiss on the back of your head as a massive grin spread across your face and you snuggled even closer against the other.

“Goodnight, Alfie.”

“Goodnight, (Y/N).” And with that, the two of you drifted off into peaceful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh! We finally reached the sex! I hope you guys enjoyed this! Stay tuned because this story is far from over and there are still a decent amount of chapters left!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit is gonna go down...

3 years later:

A lot had changed after that weekend spent at the ocean. Your relationship with Alfie was solidified and there was no more questioning between the two of you. You loved each other, simple as that. When you returned home, things began to steadily fall back into place. You went back to your job at the shop while Alfie went back to the bakery. Your nights would be spent in each other’s company. Sometimes you read or took Cyril for long walks. Other times you spent the evening in bed together. 

With the amount of time the two of you spent naked, it was no surprise when you fell pregnant. It took you almost two months to realize it and it was Adah who commented first. You were at her home that afternoon and she had just finished making sandwiches for the two of you. Tuna salad with lettuce and tomato. When she placed it down in front of you, the feeling of nausea abruptly filled your body and you managed to rush to the sink to vomit. 

Adah was there to hold your hair back and rub your back until you were ready to sit back down. “You alright there?” She asked as you two sat down.

“I’m not sure. I’ve been getting sick a lot lately. Especially in the mornings. I think it’s some sort of flu.” You admitted. “What?” You asked then when Adah lifted a questioning eyebrow.

“Are you late? Is your monthly bleeding late?” It took you a long few seconds to connect the dots before you nodded slowly. Of course. You were pregnant. Adah went to the doctor’s with you that day and the test verified the news. 

“Have you and Alfie talked about children yet?” Adah had asked you on your way home from the appointment.

“Well, no.” You admitted. “I…it’s never really crossed my mind.” Adah was apt to comfort you that Alfie would be beyond thrilled but that did nothing to relieve your distress.

You need not have troubled though because Adah was right. Alfie was thrilled. 

You had sat down for dinner and Alfie had started to talk about his day before you interrupted him. 

“Alfie?”

“Hmm?”

“Do you think Cyril would like a baby brother or sister?”

“Huh? What…no, we aren’t adopting another dog, (Y/N). We don’t have the room not to mention that Cyril likes being an only dog of the house.”

“I meant a brother or sister who has two legs rather than four.” Alfie’s fork had clattered to his plate, mouth dropping open in utter shock. 

“Are you…” He breathed and when you nodded, Alfie let out such a shout of celebration that it woke Cyril under the table. He hastened to your side of the table and pulled you up, enveloping you in such a crushing hug you were sure your ribs would fracture. After that, Alfie told everybody about the baby. He even told Tommy and Grace one night over dinner and Grace promised to help out however she could. 

The next 7 months flew by in a flash preparing for the new arrival. You finally got up the nerve and phoned your mother, telling her the good news. She cried at the news and dropped by at least once a week with new things for the baby. It felt like everything you saw was for the baby. 

The day of the birth dawned and just happened to be quite early in the morning. The pain you experienced was unbearable but somehow you pushed through it all, delivering a healthy baby girl. 

Miriam 

She was the treasure and joy of your life. After she was born, Alfie brought that baby girl everywhere, showing her off to everybody and anyone. Miriam was spoiled from day one by the entire Jewish society. People stopped by every day for a month after she was born, all offering advice and gifts that it got to the point where it was overwhelming you. Alfie pulled a few strings and the visits stopped after that. 

Miriam grew far too hastily before you. You were there for her first steps, her first words and you couldn’t stop the tears that filled your eyes when she first called you “mama”. That all felt so long ago. Miriam was now 3 and was quite a handful. She had inherited her father’s stubbornness it seemed but she also inherited her father’s dirty mouth.

The worst had been in the temple. Everyone was silently praying as they remembered the people that had died within the past year. Miriam had fallen asleep next to you and you were more than happy to let her sleep. However, when she woke, the little girl sat up and promptly yelled “fuck!” for the entire congregation to hear.

It took over a month before you were willing to show your face at the temple again. Alfie, typically, thought it was hysterical.

It was about three years after Miriam being born that you and Alfie tried for another baby. Alfie did not need much convincing in that area and shortly thereafter, you were pregnant once more. Life was going smoothly for you and your little family. 

As each month passed, you grew larger and larger, doing your best to deal with the pregnancy. Adah was over often to help take care of Miriam since all of her children were in school now. 

When Alfie came home that night, you were just as exhausted as he was. Miriam, on the other hand, had boundless energy. “Dada!” The 3-year-old cried as she raced to her father’s open arms.

“‘Ello there, you!” Alfie announced as he plucked her up, kissing her on the cheek that caused Miriam to giggle. “Where’s mama?”

“Food!” Miriam declared and Alfie carried her to the kitchen. Setting her on the ground, Alfie came over to you and kissed your cheek.

“How are you doing?” You murmured and Alfie shrugged.

“Fuckin’ exhausted.” He answered to which you shot a glare at him for swearing. 

“You’ve been more tired recently, are you not sleeping well?” Alfie shrugged. You didn’t bring it up again but it did weight profoundly on your mind that night. You were already in bed when Alfie came in for the night. As you watched him undress, you silently noted how slowly he moved, as if in pain.

“Alfie?”

“Hmm, love?”

“Is something the matter with you?”

“What do you mean?” You got up and went to Alfie’s side, taking his hand.

“Alfie, I’m worried about you.” Alfie rolled his eyes.

“Love, you’re always fucking worrying, y’know that? Amazing that you haven’t gone gray yet.” You mildly swatted his arm, unable to help a smirk. 

“Right but you still didn’t answer the question. Are you alright? You’ve seemed exhausted a lot lately and when you were undressing…well, it looked like you were in pain. What’s going on, Alfie?” You murmured. Alfie turned to face you and you wrapped your arms around his neck loosely. 

“Everything is just fine, love.” Alfie murmured, pulling you in the best he could for a kiss. “You need to stop worrying.” You sighed, running your hand up and down Alfie’s arm, trying to comfort him and yourself. “Would a sick man be able to do this?” That was when Alfie pulled you into a long, hot kiss. A soft moan escaped your lips and your hands moved back up to his neck. As he continued to kiss him, your hands slid over his body, needing to feel every inch of his skin. You knew Alfie’s skin well, having spent many hours appreciating it and exploring it. So, when you felt a large bump, you pulled away.

“What’s that?” You asked him.

“What’s what?” Ignoring Alfie, you moved to the other side of Alfie, looking at his back. There, on his right back shoulder was a rather large mole. 

“When did this appear?” Alfie shrugged in response as he clutched a nightshirt and pulled it on. “Alfie…” You warned but he ignored you still, going to the bed. “Alfie fucking Solomons, answer me or so help me God, I will get mad at you!” Your mom voice had come out but it seemed to do the trick for Alfie since he looked at you.

“What do you want me to do, eh?” He grumbled. “It’s a fucking mole, alright? Nothin’ to fucking worry about, as I said. And yeah, I’ve been tired but that’s because we have a fuckin’ three years old who wreaks havoc upon on home along with being surrounded by idiots all fuckin’ day. So yeah, sorry if I’m bloody tired all the damn time.” Your lips pressed together in a thin line and you went over to Alfie as he put his head in his hands. “Sorry, sweetling.” 

You stayed quiet as you wrapped an arm around Alfie’s shoulder, pulling him against you. “Please, Alfie, will you go see a doctor about the lump?” You waited, holding your breath. 

“Would it make you happy? Make you worry less?” When you nodded, Alfie sighed and gave in. “Aye, I’ll give them a call tomorrow. Probably even nothin’, just a mole or some shit. I highly doubt that it’s anything serious like cancer or some shit. Now, can we go to bed?” Once the two of you were in bed, lights off, you nestled yourself next to Alfie and the two of you fell asleep, with Alfie’s hand resting on the baby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, your feedback/comments keep me writing! <3


	11. Chapter 11

Thankfully Alfie did as you asked and scheduled a doctor’s appointment a few days later. The entire way there, Alfie complained. It seemed that you were sending the man to his death rather than to the doctors. Even in the waiting room, Alfie was impatient, pacing around and rambling about this and that. You did your best to get him to sit and relax but that was like trying to catch a cloud.

A nurse showed you into a private room, telling you the doctor would be in shortly. You sat in one of the chairs, Alfie next to you. “I love you, Alfie.” You murmured, resting your head on his shoulder, slipping your fingers into his grasp.

“I love you too, (Y/N).” Alfie murmured, pressing a kiss to your head. “I’m sure that this is all nothin’, alright? You’re just being a mum and worrying too much.” You prayed that Alfie was right. “How’s the baby doing?” Alfie asked, changing topics which you were glad of.

“He’s doing alright, I think. Least I no longer feel the constant urge to vomit every second. He’s been a little fussy though.”

“He?”

“Alfie, we both know it’s a boy.”

“We don’t know for sure.”

“Aye but it’s a boy. I can feel it in my bones.” Alfie rolled his eyes at you but didn’t object. He had objected a few months ago at the dinner table and it had not ended well. When you referred to the baby as a boy, Alfie asked how you knew and when he wouldn’t accept the fact that you just knew...well, it had resulted in sobbing from you. Alfie slept on the couch that night.

You did not have to wait long before the doctor came. He asked Alfie question after question after question. Alfie answered some but others he gave in such a sarcastic manner that you had to step in for the sake of the doctor. “Right then, Mr. Solomons, why don’t you take your shirt off?” The doctor said. Moving to Alfie’s side, you helped him shrug off his jacket and vest before unbuttoning his shirt. 

“Perhaps when we get home, seeing how we’ll have the house to ourselves…” Alfie began to whisper but you smacked him lightly on the shoulder, causing him to smirk. The doctor proceeded to get out the needed equipment. Alfie was silent as a sample of skin was taken from his shoulder but you knew it was painful by the way Alfie gripped your hands.

“Thank you, Mr. Solomons. We’ll get in contact by the end of the week.” The doctor said. You thanked him before the man left. 

“See, was that so bad?” You asked as you helped Alfie redress.

“Yes, in fact, it was fucking awful.” Alfie declared and once more proceeded to complain the whole way home. Miriam was with Adah for the day and the two of you agreed you could let the girl stay a bit longer. Alfie did lead you up to the bedroom but instead of any fooling around, sleep took ahold and you were both out.

Things went smoothly for the next few days. Miriam was as happy as always and the other night she had fallen asleep in Alfie’s lap while he had been reading to her. Seeing your baby girl, curled up in Alfie’s lap, head resting on his chest almost made you want to cry again. 

It had been a little over a week since the skin test and one night, as you were making dinner, the phone rang. Setting aside your towel, you went over, picking up the phone. “Hello?” You asked, speaking a little louder to hear over the sound of Alfie, Cyril, and Miriam playing.

“Mrs. Solomons?”

“Yes?”

“Hi there. I’m calling from London hospital about your husband’s skin test. We have the results back...and I’m afraid he has cancer.” The phone dropped, swinging back and forth on the cord. The woman on the line was saying something but your ears were ringing, vision becoming unfocused. You took a step forward before collapsing in a dead faint.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh I'm sorry this is so short but I wanted to set up everything that is about to come. As always, your feedback is super important to me. Feel free to find me on tumblr at justanothershelby where I post more writing


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst is heading your way :') all your comments/kuddos mean the world to me <3

When you awoke, you were laying in bed with Alfie laying next to you. His hand was rubbing your stomach, whispering words to the baby as he did so. You shifted and Alfie looked over, sitting up instantly. “Thank God,” Alfie whispered, leaning down and kissing your head, his beard tickling your face. 

“What?” You asked, eyebrows furrowing as it took you several seconds to relive what happened. “Did I…”

“Aye, you did. Hit the ground like a rock. Adah is over now and while you were passed out, she did some examin’ and says the baby is just fine. She’s with Miriam now so I could be here with you.” You licked your lips, painstakingly aware of how dry they were. 

“Did you…find out what the doctor said?” You asked, glancing up at Alfie’s face hovering over yours.

“I think so…seeing how you reacted.” Alfie relocated and laid next to you, pulling you in close. 

“Alfie, what are we going to do?” You muttered into his shirt. “What are fucking going to do?”

“I’ll tell you what we’re going to do, (Y/N). We are going to go downstairs and have dinner with our little Miriam and things are going to continue how they always have, yeah? And then tomorrow, we can give the doctors a call and go that way.” Alfie’s voice was determined, leaving no room for rejection. What else could you do but nod? “Good, let’s go.” Alfie got off the bed and went around to your side, helping you up. Hand in hand, the two of you went downstairs. 

“Mama!” Miriam cried, speeding over to you as you entered the sitting room. 

“Hi there, baby girl.” You said as your child hugged your legs. “Thank you.” You said to Adah, resting a hand on your daughter’s brown curls.

“Of course. I’ll see you tomorrow?” You agreed and Miriam gave Adah a last hug before the other woman left.

“Right, so who’s hungry?” Alfie declared and Miriam began to jump up and down hand-raising. “Well then, let’s go get some food!”. Taking her hand, your husband accompanied the little girl into the kitchen.

True to his words, Alfie called the doctor the next day and was able to obtain an appointment for that day. It might have helped a little when Alfie said his last name for a spot abruptly opened up. So, at 1:00 sharp, you arrived at the hospital. It did not take long for Alfie’s name to be called and when the two of you were shown into a room, a nurse was there with a gown for Alfie. “No. No fuckin’ way.” Alfie declared, feet freezing as he stared at the gown. “I’m not wearing that fucking thing.”

“Alfie…”

“It’s a hard no from me. I would look like some old lady who’s about to fucking die and that I can not accept.” Despite your begging, Alfie stayed firm to his word so the nurse allowed him to stay in his clothes and left. “What?” Alfie asked as he sat down in one of the armchairs, glancing up at you with your arms crossed.

“It’s just a gown, Alfie.”

“I don’t care. Gowns mean you’re sick and I’m not sick. Nor am I going to be some old man, wandering around in one of those with his arse sticking out for the whole world to see.” You didn’t have the heart to fight Alfie so rather you sat down next to him, taking his hand. Stillness filled the room as you waited for the doctor. When he arrived, the man knocked, causing you to jump. 

“Hello Mr. Solomons, Mrs. Solomons. I am Dr. Ezra Feldstein.” The man said, shaking Alfie’s hand and then yours. Based off of his name, you guessed that Dr. Feldstein was also Jewish. “Mr. Solomons, if you wouldn’t mind taking off your jacket and shirt and take a seat on the table.” As Alfie did this, Dr. Feldstein put on gloves before turning to look at Alfie’s back. As you waited in silence, you found yourself praying, imploring God to let this be nothing. 

“Well, Mr. Solomons, that is certainly cancer at stage three which isn’t the best but it also isn’t the worst. What I believe would be the best option to have surgery to remove the cancerous skin. The surgery itself is not long but the recovery will take some time. We will also need to continue to monitor your skin and bone to see if the cancer has come back which is a possibility if it has gotten into your bone marrow.”

“What are the chances of that?” Alfie asked and Dr. Feldstein shrugged.

“It’s hard to say.” He admitted. “Hence why we want to keep an eye on you. I’ll leave you two alone to discuss this all.”

“Are there other treatments, in case this doesn’t work?” You blurted out and the good doctor nodded.

“Of course, Mrs. Solomons. There are a handful of different bits of radiation that we can try if the surgery does not work. We can also do a bone marrow transplant to see if we can replace the bone marrow that is infected with cancer. I do recommend you do the route of the surgery because it would be most effective at this point.” You nodded your thanks and the doctor left. Alfie said nothing as he pulled on his shirt, buttoning it up. He fumbled with the buttons, hands trembling too much to work properly. Standing up, you went over and buttoned Alfie’s shirt for him. 

“You doin’ alright?” You asked, raising a hand to stroke Alfie’s cheek. Alfie was refusing to meet your gaze but you chose not to mention it.

“Aye, I’m just fine.” He murmured before getting off the table and leaving. You collected your things before hurrying after your husband. As Alfie drove home, the silence was thickening, choking you. When Alfie pulled up, you got out of the car before turning to glance at Alfie.

“Are you not…?”

“No, I have some business to attend to.” You closed the door and watched Alfie speed off once more. There was nothing you could do now it seemed so you headed inside. You had just sat down with a cup of tea when the phone rang and you answered.

It was from Grace Shelby.

“(Y/N)?”

“Hello, Grace. How are things with you?’

“They’re well, thank you. Alfie’s here now, talking to Tommy in the garden. Is everything okay? He stormed in and went straight to Tommy’s study…a few moments later, the two left.”

“Alfie got some bad news today.”

“Would you mind sharing? Perhaps I could help somehow?”

“He has cancer…skin cancer. Stage three.” You were met with silence on the other line. It took a few moments for Grace to reply.

“What can I do to help?”

“I’m not sure, Grace. I don’t know what to do if I’m being honest. It feels like my entire life is falling apart and-” You had to press a hand to your mouth in an endeavor to hold back your sobs.

“I understand that feeling. Look, why don’t I come around tomorrow afternoon and we can have tea? I can bring Charlie too so Miriam can play.” Despite the year apart, the two children were the best of friends. 

“That would be wonderful, Grace. Thank you.” When you hang up, you went back to your cup of tea but the sight of it made you want to hurl. Thankfully you got to the sink in time, retching. Sliding to the ground, you leaned against the counter. Cyril came in and walked over to you, nudging you comfortably. 

“What are we going to do, Cyril?” You muttered, reaching out to scratch the dog’s ear. As you scratched Cyril and sat on the ground, your tears fell. As the cries turned into sobs, you wrapped your arms around Cyril, wailing into his fur. “I can’t lose him, Cyril. I just can’t!” 

“Lose who?” Your head shot up to see Miriam standing at the entrance of the kitchen, watching you. Adah was with her and gave you an apologetic glance as you wiped your eyes frantically with your sleeve.

“No one, love.” You answered, beckoning your daughter closer. She came and sat in between your legs, rubbing your baby bump with her petite hand. “We aren’t going to lose anyone.” You just prayed that your words were right. 

The next day Grace and Charlie came over. The two children were off instantly to play with Cyril as you began to boil water for tea. “How are you holding up?” Grace asked sympathetically as she got out two mugs.

“Alright, I think.” You admitted. “It’s just…a lot to deal with right now, especially when this baby is due in another two months or so. Hormones are going everywhere. I mostly just want to cry…but I can’t. I have to be strong for Alfie’s sake.” Grace came over and put a considerate hand on your shoulder.

“It’s okay to be upset, (Y/N). What you are going through is something no one should ever have to deal with. It’s okay to want to cry.” She brushed a curl of your hair that had fallen onto your face. “What are you two going to do?”

“Alfie’s going to have surgery next week to remove the cancer and then he has to stay overnight for a bit since they want to make sure that the cancer is in fact, gone.”

“Would you like me to take Miriam for those few days?” Grace asked and you gave her a look of relief.

“I would love that. I would have asked Adah but she has her hands full and Ollie is going to be working even more while Alfie’s out.” 

“Charlie and Miriam are going to be very excited,” Grace commented and you had to smile.

“Aye, she will be.” When the tea was ready, the two of you sat down at the kitchen table. “Do you have any idea why Alfie was at your house yesterday?” You asked, wrapping your hands around the heated beverage. Grace looked away, chewing at her bottom lip. “Grace?”

“I believe so.” She acknowledged with a sigh, glancing up to meet your eye. “They were yelling quite a bit and well…I think Alfie was telling Tommy what to do if he does in fact, die. Which I’m sure he won’t. He’s a fighter. But I think Alfie wanted to make sure that you, Miriam, and your unborn child would be looked after.” You weren’t sure how to feel about this. Alfie was looking out for you like he always did…but at the same time, did he not think he was going to make it? That he would not survive to see his children grow up? To grow old with you? Grace could tell you were grappling with this information so she was quick to change the topic.

Tea with Grace was pleasant enough and when it was time to go, both children were knackered. After saying goodbye, you took Miriam’s hand and led her into the family room. “Miriam, I have something I want to tell you.” You began, sitting on the couch as your daughter climbed up into your lap. “Daddy isn’t feeling very well so he’s going to have to go away for a little bit to get better, alright?” Your fingers ran through Miriam’s hair as your daughter stared up at you. She had Alfie’s eyes.

“While Daddy is away getting better, you’re going to stay with Charlie and his family.”

“Like…a sleepover?’

“Exactly.” Miriam grinned at this news and you were relieved, having expected for the girl to get upset.

“Mummy?”

“Yes?”

“What if daddy don’t get better.” Your throat contracted and you had to swallow tortuously.

“He will get better. Now, let’s go get started on some baking, yeah?” Thankfully Miriam was simple to divert and the two of you spent the afternoon baking. When Alfie came home, you wiped your hands on a towel and went out to greet him along with the rest of the family.

“Daddy! Mummy said you’re sick!” Miriam said as she hugged her father’s leg. Alfie’s hand froze where he had been stroking Miriam’s hair and looked up at you. You had not addressed how you would tell Miriam about the cancer but the look on Alfie’s face told you enough.

“Bedroom. Now.” Alfie ordered.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the number 13 is unlucky...

You calmly sat in your bedroom as Alfie paced in front of you. “Why did you tell her?” He asked, ultimately stopping his pacing to gaze at you.

“She’s old enough now to question why you would be gone so I thought that her knowing that you were sick was enough for her to understand. I hope you know that girl asked if a bowl of matzah ball soup would help you get better.”

“Proper Jewish girl, ain’t she?” Alfie muttered before he sat down next to you. “I just...I wanted to keep her innocent for just a bit longer.”

“Aye, I know.” You wrapped an arm around Alfie, drawing him close. “But she also isn’t an infant anymore. She’s going to question why you’re gone and...everything.” Alfie rested his head on your shoulder as the two of you remained in silence for a few minutes before you heard a clatter. “I got it.” You pressed a kiss to Alfie’s head and stood as Alfie stretched out and grasped your hand.

“I love you, (Y/N). So fucking much.”

“I love you too, Alfie.” You gave his hand a squeeze before disappearing. Miriam had taken it upon herself to try to feed Cyril and had proceeded to drop his bowl and spill his kibble. You made the girl pick it up since the notion of going down on your knees made you want to complain. The girl cleaned up and you completed making dinner. Alfie joined you two and things returned to normal.

The surgery was scheduled to be in two weeks and you and Alfie agreed that you would live those two weeks as normally as you could. Alfie did recognize the fact that he had to take it easy so he took time off of work for a bit. Your mind questioned though...did he think he was going to die? Neither of you mentioned cancer. It was the elephant in the room. One that you were both entirely content to ignore.

Alfie was there when a midwife came to check up on you and the baby. She announced that ‘baby was doing just fine’ and that you at the eight-month mark so you needed to take it easy as well. Alfie seemed to take that...literally. He began to do the cooking for you which ended up with you sitting at the table, telling Alfie what to do, how much to add, how briskly to stir and well...it ended with you at the stove instead.

If Alfie was in distress, he did not show it. He took Miriam out for hours on the weekend, enabling you to have a lie-in and rest, something you found more arduous to find the time for. He did his best to ease your discomfort whether it be running a warm bath or rubbing your sore feet. Neither of you mentioned the surgery...that each day it drew closer and closer until…

It was the night before the surgery and neither of you could sleep. In the end, the two of you gave up on sleep and instead, Alfie just held you and read out loud from a book. It brought you back to all the times Alfie had done for you. You remembered how Alfie would read you to sleep after you had woken from a horrid nightmare or how he read to Miriam when she was a baby to get her to quiet down. There was something in Alfie’s voice that quieted people down.

And once more tonight and you fell asleep. 

The morning dawned and it appeared to be a cloudy day. The house was quiet that morning as you got Miriam fed. Alfie sat at the table, gazing off in the distance, unable to eat before the surgery. “You ready to go play with Charlie for a bit?” You asked Miriam, seeking to break the silence. Miriam nodded as she shoved some eggs into her mouth with her hand.

“Oi, use your fork,” Alfie ordered, voice rigid. Miriam stared at her father for a moment before looking down and taking her fork. Breakfast was finished in silence. You had gotten Miriam prepared up the night before so all that was left was to put everything in the car and head off. The drive to Arrow House was a trip filled in stillness and you couldn’t bring yourself to even try to have a conversation.

When you pulled up, Miriam was quick to jump out the door with Cyril behind her, the two racing up the steps. The door opened and Charlie appeared with his parents. The two children grinned at each other before running straight inside. You got out sluggishly as Grace and Tommy came over. “Thank you again for taking her.” You told Grace as she took your hand, giving it a squeeze.

“Of course.” She murmured as Tommy grabbed Miriam’s things as well as Cyril’s since the dog would be staying here as well. “How’s the baby doing?” Grace asked and you glanced over to her.

“Doin’ alright. Midwife says within the next few weeks, he’ll be ready to meet the world.” 

“Well, I am always here for you,” Grace promised before beckoning the children back. Miriam appeared with Charlie, the two covered in dirt. How? It had been five minutes if that? “Come say goodbye, Miriam!” Grace called. The girl ran down the stairs and ran straight into Alfie’s waiting arms, flinging her arms around him as she was picked up.

“I love you, baby girl,” Alfie whispered as he pressed a kiss to her head. “Don’t ye ever forget that, alright?”

“I won’t, Daddy!” Miriam pledged before planting a wet kiss on Alfie’s cheek. 

“Good, now go say goodbye to Mummy.” Alfie put her down and Miriam came rushing to you, slinging her arms around your legs. The two of you said goodbye and Miriam said goodbye to the baby before hurrying back inside.

“Don’t forget to listen!” You called but Miriam was already gone. Alfie and you said your goodbyes before getting back into the car. All too soon you reached the hospital and were checked in. You did not have to wait long before a nurse came, leading you to Alfie’s room where he would be staying the next few days. Another nurse was there to greet you and this time Alfie did not argue as he changed into a gown. The nurse left you then and you looked at Alfie.

“C’here.” Alfie opened up his arms and you rushed forward, embracing him tightly as you buried your face into his chest. “It’s going to be alright,” Alfie whispered, kissing your head. “The cancer will be gone and we can go back to our regular lives, yeah? Besides, we have a little boy to get ready for.”

“Shouldn’t I be saying this all to you?” You whispered as your tears began to fall.

“Nah, love. You’ve been brave enough for long enough. Figured it was my turn.” Alfie’s hand came down, touching your chin and tilted your head up so you could see him. “I love you so much.” He whispered, brushing a piece of hair from your hair.

“I love you too, Alfie.” You pulled him for a long, deep kiss. Perhaps if you kept kissing Alfie, none of this would have to happen. 

Regrettably, life did not work like that. You pulled away when Dr. Feldstein came in. “It’s time, Mr. Solomons.” He murmured. “The surgery shouldn’t be more than an hour, Mrs. Solomons but he’ll be out for a while afterward.” You nodded, giving Alfie’s hand a final squeeze before he followed the doctor. Alfie gave you one last glance and you could see his eyes were filled with terror. Your Alfie was never afraid. Never. He was the strong one, the one who was ready for whatever faced him. 

As the door shut, you dropped into a chair and cried.

As the doctor said, the surgery was over relatively quick but Alfie was out cold. As you sat next to his bed, your eyes studied your husband’s face. Was that a bit of white you saw in his beard? The beard you loved so profoundly, the way it tickled your mouth when Alfie kissed you. You were unable to see the actual stitching since it was covered in a bandage and you were quite appreciative for. You weren’t sure if you could stomach the sight

You pulled out the book you had brought with you, clearing your throat. “Figured it was my turn to read for a bit, yeah?” You said with a hefty sigh before you began to read Call of the Wild. By the time you finished the book, Alfie was still sound asleep. Not knowing what else to do, you got as comfortable as one could and waited.

You must have drifted off because when a nurse woke you, it had become dark outside. “Is he awake?” You asked as you winced, slowly shifting into a sitting position.

“He was awake earlier but now he’s sleeping.” The nurse explained in a quiet voice. “The surgery was successful though the doctor says he needs to stay here for at least a week and then he can go home. Dr. Feldstein will give you more instructions when the time comes. But now, I’m afraid you have to leave.” You sighed gloomily, standing with a nod.

Once you collected your things, you leaned over and pressed a kiss to Alfie’s head. “I love you, Alfie Solomons. Don’t you ever forget that.” You whispered before leaving. The house was cold and silent when you got home. It had never been silent like this in years. No dog to greet you. No screaming child. No husband with a warm kiss. Nothing.

You had some toast for dinner that night, incapable of eating anything more. Climbing into bed, you brought with you a few of Alfie’s shirts, one of which you wore. That night, you fell asleep, gripping his shirt. 

Alfie was in the hospital for the next ten days and those were some of the longest days of your life. You took Miriam when you could but at this point, with the baby and your worry for Alfie, you rarely had the energy you required for your daughter. You felt shameful every time you dropped her off to stay with someone. It felt like you had abandoned your daughter. You had a very confined life it felt. You were either at home with Miriam, at the temple where you prayed every day or with Alfie.

When you brought Miriam to see Alfie, you were bothered that the sight would upset the girl. Instead, she bestowed Alfie the drawings that she had been making before having you help her hang them up around the room. Before she left, she gave Alfie a clump of Cyril’s hair, telling him that Cyril missed him very much. After Adah took Miriam home, you noticed that there were tears running down Alfie’s cheeks. You said nothing, sitting down on the bed with Alfie, holding his hand.

On the eleventh day, Alfie was allowed home. You weren’t sure who was more excited, Miriam or Cyril. The dog charged at Alfie, barking as Miriam ran around the house screaming “Daddy’s home!”. It was nice to be back in a household filled with noise. 

Things were okay for a few days. Cyril stayed by Alfie’s side, refusing to leave the man except for walks. Miriam was essentially the same. You had never seen your child remain so still. Alfie kept her entertained though, telling her stories or coloring with her. Your house was promptly covered with child drawings but you could care less.

Your Alfie was home and everything was going to be okay.

It had been nearly a month after the surgery and Alfie had been back a couple of times to make sure everything was healing well which the doctors said it was. Could you dare hope…?

The phone rang one afternoon and you managed to grab it before Miriam could. “Hello?” You asked.

“Mrs. Solomons?”

“Hello, Dr. Feldstein. How are you doing?” You asked in a chipper tone.

“I’m well, thank you. Are you sitting down?” Your blood ran cold. 

“No...no...please…” You whispered, clutching the phone. “Please don’t tell me this. Please, I’m begging you. Please don’t let it be true.”

“I’m sorry Mrs. Solomons but the cancer is still there.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ahh I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve updated this fic! Life got busy and this is just gonna turn into pure angst so…taking some author liberties here where I changed Margate a bit. I’m also using modern (ish) treatments for Alfie since I couldn’t find anything about cancer in the 1920s/30s. Not to mention I can just make it filled with more pain. It’s a good life I live. As always, your reblogs/comments/likes make my entire day if not more. Please let me know your thoughts since your feedback keeps me going. xx

This time after the news of cancer, you succeeded in staying on your feet. You said something to the doctor before hanging up, sagging against the wall. The cancer was still there. It was still growing. It was still inside Alfie. Forcing yourself to take several deep breaths before walking out of the kitchen. Standing at the edge of the living room, you watched the scene before you. The two were resting on the couch, Miriam tucked up against her father as he read to her. Miriam relished being read to, especially by Alfie for he “did all the voices way better than Mummy” according to the girl. 

Alfie lifted his head, raising an eyebrow at you questioning before whispering something to Miriam. The girl got up and raced over to you, giving your legs a hug. “Hi there, sweetie. Why don’t you and Cyril go play in your room for a bit?” You proposed and Miriam agreed, racing off to her room, calling for Cyril. Once you heard the door shut, you went over to Alfie and took a seat by his side. 

“What happened?” 

“That was the doctor...the cancer is still there.” Silence filled the room and you watched Alfie scratch at his beard for a few ticks before glancing over at you. 

“Alright.” You licked your lips, driving back the tears that loomed. Alright? Was that all that Alfie could say? Alright that you were back to square one save that this time it was more critical because you were down an option and cancer probably had gotten worse. “Right...so, what’s the next step then?” Alfie asked and you glanced up to meet his gaze. 

“I guess we call the doctor’s back.”

So, that was what you did. You called back Dr. Feldstein and arranged to come the next day for a consultation. 

“Thank you both for coming in.” Dr. Feldstein said as the two of you sat in front of his desk. “As I mentioned yesterday, Mr. Solomon’s cancer has come back but to a worse degree than before. Because of that, I would strongly recommend we move onto the treatment of radiation.” Your fingers cramped around Alfie’s hand and Alfie gave your hand a clasp in return.

“What would this consist of?” Alfie asked.

“I won’t lie to you, Mr. Solomons. It’s going to be rough. It’s going to be about ten minutes a day, however, as the weeks go on, it will affect you as well as the cancer. You’re could experience weight loss, hair loss, a weak immune system, exhaustion, sores, dry mouth...there are more but I will leave it at that. For the first two weeks, you’ll be able to stay at home but afterward, you would need to stay overnight in the hospital and as time goes on, you will need to stay here full time.”

It felt like the world was whirling around you and you concentrated on something, anything to try and steady yourself. It was Alfie you latched your consciousness to.

The way his hand felt in yours, the feeling of his presence next to you. 

As Dr. Feldstein and Alfie handled details, you zoned out, staring numbly ahead of you. Numb was the only way to illustrate how you felt. There was so much that could go awry. Alfie could die for fuck’s sake and you would be left to raise your two children on your own. Without your best friend. Without your love.

You hadn’t even discerned you had been crying until Alfie handed you a tissue. Dr. Feldstein excused himself and once he had left, Alfie took your hand, pulling you to your feet and then into his arms. Your sobs unwaveringly grew worse as Alfie proceeded to hold you. By now, Alfie knew what he had to do.

Pulling away, he touched your hand to his chest, breathing in and out dramatically so you could follow the pattern of his breathe. In and out...in and out. It seemed to do the trick as your sobs gradually turned into soft hiccups. “C’mon now, love,” Alfie whispered, grabbing your stuff.

“Where we goin’?” 

“Home.” You didn’t argue. Cyril was there to greet you and once more you were relieved that Miriam was spending time with Charlie. Alfie led you upstairs to the bedroom where he escorted you inside. “I want you to rest,” He instructed as he assisted you in undressing. “No fuckin’ buts.” He added, holding up a finger when you tried to object. “You’re carryin’ our fuckin’ baby in there like a fuckin’ champ you are and trust me, I’ve seen some champs, and you need to rest.” Alfie helped you to bed before climbing in next to you. 

You scooted yourself as close to him as you could, resting your head on his chest while your legs sprawled out in odd directions to make up for your extensive belly. After stirring and turning for a few moments and Alfie swearing under his breath about how he would be glad when the kid was born, you ultimately ended up spooning with Alfie. You fell asleep then, his arm over your thigh, hand on the baby bump.

When you woke some hours later, you blinked drowsily, trying to solve what it was that had woke you. Then you felt it. Alfie was still holding you close and it was his shoulders trembling that had woken you. Wordlessly you turned and reached out, hand caressing Alfie’s wet cheek. Pushing yourself up until you were upright, you reached out and pulled Alfie against you as he sobbed.

There was nothing else you really could do other than hold Alfie and rub his back. He began to mumble something and it took you a few moments to decipher.

I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. 

After that, treatment started for Alfie. Every day the two of you would travel to the hospital where Alfie would leave your side for the dose of radiation. You didn’t know what went on during those times but you didn’t ask. After the first time, Alfie spent the next two hours in the toilet, vomiting. You sat by his side, stroking his back and supplying water when needed. “Y’don’t ‘halfta do this.” Alfie mumbled at one point and you rolled your eyes.

“And tell me then, Mr. Solomons, how many times have you held back my hair while I’ve vomited my guts up?” That drew a fatigued smile from Alfie. The first week ended well enough and Dr. Feldstein said that you would take a few days off to allow Alfie’s body to deal with what it had been dealt with.

When Alfie heard this, he declared that you, Miriam, and Cyril were going on a holiday to Margate. So with that, bags were packed, toys stored away, and you were off. When you arrived, Miriam was the first out of the car and you watched as the girl took off straight for the water with Cyril behind her.

“This is beautiful, Alfie.” You mentioned as you seized a suitcase from the back while Alfie grabbed another. And indeed, it was. There was a tiny cottage that looked worn but there was something soothing about that sight. Something that made it feel like home. There was a garden to the left though it was a bit overgrown but that was the least of your worries. Your eyes followed your baby girl as she began to explore. The ocean was quiet today it seemed.

“Miriam, come on in!” Alfie called and the girl came speeding back. As you all went inside, you were relieved to see the shelves crammed with food and that the place was cleaned. “Right then.” You announced, setting down your things. “Why don’t we all go for a walk on the beach, eh?”

So that was what you did. Alfie and you strolled barefoot while Miriam elected to run naked since she craved playing in the water. There was nobody around anyways and the girl could care less. The feeling of comfort that you felt in your heart, watching your daughter splash around made you nearly want to weep again though you rejected to let yourself do so.

No. You were here to forget about life for a while, not cry.

Miriam stopped to dig so you and Alfie stopped as well. “This was a good idea.” You commented as you gazed out at the ocean before you.

“Aye, well, I’m real full of ideas but someone doesn’t listen.” He smirked, poking you which you rolled your eyes playfully at.

“Oh, hush. But really Alfie, thank you.” You stood on your tiptoes, capturing Alfie’s lips on yours for an intense kiss.

“Eww!” Miriam screamed as she spotted her parents kissing and you pulled away, sharing a laugh with your husband. 

“Right then!” Alfie declared. “Miriam, you better watch out for that sea monster’s gonna get you!”

“Which sea monster?” 

“Me!” Alfie dashed forward, scooping up his girl in his arms and plopping her back down in the water as Miriam shrieked with joy. You watched as Miriam took off with Cyril and Alfie in hot pursuit. You knew Alfie was in pain but he proceeded to run nevertheless. He wanted to be with his baby girl for as long as he could.

You watched as the two waded in the water, exploring the ocean floor. “Mummy!” The girl called so you went over. Miriam raced to you, depositing a handful of rocks into your hands before hastening back to resume exploring with Alfie. This was how you ended up with what felt like pounds upon pounds of rocks and shells that night. 

Miriam was out like a light that night and you were glad for you were also worn out. As you stood on the balcony of your bedroom, you gazed out at the world before you. The ocean lapped at the shore, a tranquil sound in the background while the moon gleamed dazzlingly from above. “You look so beautiful,” Alfie whispered as he came up behind you.

“Alfie, I’m standing in nothing but my underwear and a light shawl, not to mention I’m pregnant with a whale.” Alfie shrugged as he wrapped his arms around you, chin resting on your head. 

“Aye but I still think you’re the most beautiful girl I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.” You leaned against Alfie’s warm chest and as the two of you stood there, you could ignore the world for just a while. You could forget about the cancer and the treatment, how the side effects would destroy Alfie mentally and physically. 

You could ignore so that was what you did.

That night as you laid there in bed, you prayed silently to God.

_Please God, please. Please let Alfie live. Please let him live to see his daughter grow up and his son as well. Let him see the boy’s first steps, Miriam’s first day of school, her first crush, the boy’s first date...please. I am begging you. Please let my husband live._


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The hospital visits  
> Mention of post partum depression

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh I'm so sorry for the lack of updates with this fic. I lost motivation to write it (and a lot of other things) but now things are flowing again so fingers crossed you guys like this. As always, my tumblr is justanothershelby and your likes/comments make my entire day <3

Your holiday at Margate ceased far too soon for your liking. For three perfect days, you could leave the cancer behind and not have to fret about a thing other than Miriam eating sand and convincing your toddler that no, you could not bring home every shell and rock that she found. Alfie seemed full of life at the ocean. If he was in pain, he never mentioned it. Always up before you, Alfie would take walks on the beach. Sometimes Miriam would come to though she would always fall asleep and Alfie would have to carry her back. Alfie looked better as well. His eyes seemed to have the fire back in them and he was no longer frail or faint. No, Alfie could do whatever the fuck he wanted to do.

Each day he took Miriam to the ocean, wading in with her and assisting her in collecting all the damn rocks she wanted. You sometimes accompanied them. Other times you took the chances you had and retired in the quietness of the house.

Alas, this could not last forever and before you knew it, you were back in Camden Town once more and Alfie’s radiation treatment had started up again. The doses remained to be short but were increasingly growing in strength, meaning that Alfie’s symptoms began to develop as well. Alfie had to stop work altogether by this point because his symptoms were becoming too much. He was fatigued all the time and was often in bed for days straight with a fever, headache, among other things. Never once did Alfie complain though. He was resolute to be brave. You did your best to stay by his side and tend to him. Miriam spent most of her time with the Shelbys though she did her best to see her daddy. You weren’t quite sure what the girl understood but she knew that her father was sick.

After the first month of being back and of radiation picking up once more, Alfie was moved into a hospital room to be attended to full time. You spent every second of every visiting hour with him, the same idea coursing through your head. What if this was it? What if this was the day Alfie lost the fight and died? You prayed harder then you had ever prayed before, praying that God healed your husband.

God was silent and for the first time in your life, you found yourself thinking God was cruel.

Your water finally broke while you were at home. Women in the community flocked to help and be at your side. Alfie though...was not there. He was too frail to leave the hospital, let alone go home. So while you gave birth to a charming baby boy, encircled by women who cherished and cared for you, you had never felt more isolated in your life.

After Daniel was born, you couldn’t bring yourself to look at him. You felt so empty, so meaningless without Alfie there to support you. You had begun to rely on Alfie so much and now it felt like you were only just recognizing that. It took some tender words but you did agree to nurse Daniel but when he was put into your arms, you just burst into hysterics. 

As you sobbed, something was pressed against your lips and you automatically opened your mouth, discovering a burning liquid being poured down your throat. Coughing, you tried to spit it out but the liquid had already slid down your throat and it was not long before you were asleep.

When you woke, it was dark. Your eyes scanned the room and you were able to pick out some familiar objects that belonged in your room. Pushing yourself into an upright position, you cringed at the pain. Hearing nobody, you questioned where everybody was and reached over, turning on a night table lamp. Turning the lamp on provoked David into crying. He had been placed in a small bassinet next to your bed, encased in a hand-knitted blanket you had been given by Adah. “Shh, shh.” You whispered, gradually forcing yourself out of bed and picking the boy up. “Shh, shh. There, there, little one. Mummy’s here now.” You sat back down on the bed and discarded your nightgown, bringing David to your breast. He latched on vigorously and you winced at the sensitivity but continued to hold him till he seemed to have his fill. “Just wait till you meet your daddy. You’re going to love him so much. I just hope you actually get to know him…” You breathed. “He’s such a good man and he’s going to love you so much.”

It was approximately a week later when you were finally able to bring David to the hospital. Clutching the boy close to your chest, you quietly went into Alfie’s room. And there he was, expecting you. “Lemme see our baby boy,” Alfie whispered as you placed David into Alfie’s arms. He gazed down at the bundle in his arms, a hand reaching up and stroking David’s cheek. “Hello there, lil’ thing. I’m yer Daddy. I heard you put your mummy through quite the labor, eh? It’ll be worth it though. She’s a strong one, your mum.” 

It was somewhat like a trigger had been pulled inside your head for as Alfie talked about how strong you were, you collapsed once more in hysterics. Alfie pulled you against him, stroking your arm as you sobbed into his hospital gown. Alfie let you cry, making no move to soothe you until your tears had dried up. “Alright there?” He asked quietly as your sobs quieted down. You shook your head no.

“Why is this happening to us, Alfie? What have we done wrong for God to punish us so? I’ve been praying every day but all my prayers are ignored and things just keep getting worse.” Your husband pulled you against him once more, pressing a kiss to your head.

“Aye, things might not be that grand but David’s here now and he’s here safely. That’s important. And Miriam is goin’ be comin’ later today too so we can all be together...as a family.” You looked up at Alfie as tears swelled in your eyes again. He cupped your face with such tenderness you had to choke back a sob. His hand was so warm and so intimate to you. The touch meant you were safe. That you were loved. “I love you, (Y/N), my wife, my best friend, my love.” Leaning into Alfie’s warm palm, you nodded, shutting your eyes as the tears sprang up once more. Alfie once again held you as you cried, patiently and affectionately rubbing your back and whispering words of love. 

Ultimately, your sobs did die out and things grew quiet. “How’s the radiation comin’ along?” You asked Alfie, observing as he continued to cuddle his son. “Have the doctors given any inclination if it’s workin’ or not?” 

“Nothin’ yet but they say it’s only been a month so that’s to be expected. They uh...they did mention that I would have to spend the holidays...here.” Guilt shot across Alfie’s face and he looked away promptly but you had seen it. “I know a hospital isn’t much of a place to celebrate and David being so young and-”

“Alfie?”

“Yes?”

“Shut up.” He couldn’t help but laugh which turned into an unrelenting cough. You were there with water when the coughs subsided. “We’ll come and spend Chanukah with you here. I’ll bring in food, Miriam can decorate the room with her drawings...it might not be a traditional Chanukah but I’ll be damned if we don’t celebrate it together.”

So that was what you did. As the holidays drew closer, you worked hard to get everything ready. Adah was helping you and you were sure that if it wasn’t for her, you would have collapsed. Every day felt like a strain for you. Every single movement felt like it took all your strength to do. Some days were better where you felt like your old self and you could spend time with Miriam and David. Other times you just curled up in bed, unable to move even when your baby was crying for you. Unlike with Miriam, you didn’t feel...connected with your baby. He would cry and you would just sort of stare at him as if you expected him to just...stop crying. These feelings turned inside you and you were at a loss of what to do. All you wanted was your Alfie back.

The women in Camden Town came together for you though. One would take care of David for you while another would cook and clean everything needed. Another would sit and take care of you and gradually you began to feel like your old self again and welcomed David into your arms.

The treatment had started to work the doctor proclaimed about a week before Chanukah. However, it needed to proceed and the doctor warned that the side effects would include hair loss, weakness in the limbs, among other things. You were visiting alone that night when Alfie told you this before asking you to shave off his hair and beard. When you asked why he responded saying “I don’t want to sit here and just watch all my fuckin’ hair fall out. It’ll make me feel like...shit. Even worse than shit seeing how I feel like fuckin’ shit already. Feels like I got run over by some fucking truck or some shit. Maybe it was a German-”

“Alfie.” 

“Ah, yeah, right. Anyways, I want it all gone...so it’s one less reminder of what this disease is doing to me.” So you did as was requested of you and when you left, Alfie was almost unrecognizable. When you brought Miriam in the next time, you warned her that Daddy would look different without his hair but even knowing this, the girl stopped, looking around baffled.

“Where’s Daddy?” 

Suddenly the window became quite fascinating to look at for Alfie. 

Miriam eventually did connect the dots and once she did, she was quite happy to see him. She had brought cards and other decorations and collectively the two of you hung them up while Alfie held David. At this point, the room was covered in drawings and cards, some made by Miriam, others made by friends and their families. When it was time to go, Alfie stood and took a step forward before his legs crashed to the ground along with David. Chaos emitted as David screeched and Alfie cursed. Your chest contracted in fright as you shot forth, picking David up promptly before pressing a call button. Thankfully nurses were there within moments and were able to help Alfie.

Another doctor came in and you went with him to make sure David was alright. The boy was fine by some miracle and you thanked God for that miracle. When you returned, Miriam had curled up on Alfie’s bed and was asleep, her head in his lap as he stroked her hair. “He alright?” Alfie whispered and you nodded, taking a seat on the bed.

“Fine, just a bit shook but nothing to worry about. You alright?” Alfie didn’t answer and instead looked down at Miriam, spinning a lock of her hair in his fingers. Finally, he spoke.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to bring the children anymore.” He announced, his words almost causing you to drop David in horror.

“But why, Alfie? Miriam talks about you all the time and-” He held up a hand and you fell silent.

“Miriam didn’t even recognize me today. Do you know what that is like? To have your own daughter not recognize you despite having seen you every day for the last four fuckin’ years? And then I can’t even stand it seems and I dropped our newborn. We’re damn lucky nothing bad happened to him, (Y/N), and I don’t care what you say, I don’t want Miriam to see me sufferin’ like this, turnin’ into a limp pile of bones. And I don’t want to risk the chance of hurtin’ David.” Alfie’s voice cracked and you saw his eyes filling with tears. “You don’t know how hard this is, (Y/N).” He whispered. “You know I’ve wanted a family...just like ours. And now that we have it...I can’t have it.” He gave a hollow laugh. “Perhaps this is God’s way of punishing me, eh?”

You were at a loss for words. All you could do was to stare at your husband’s face. A face that had grown so intimate to you it felt like you had seen it your whole life. You could understand Alfie’s reasonings but the notion of leaving Miriam behind, telling her that she couldn’t see her Daddy again made your heart feel like it was going to split from the pain. “Alfie, please...please let them continue to come. Miriam has her heart set on Hannukah and she looks forward to seeing you. She’s talked about you at school, saying how strong her daddy is. Please, just let her come for Hannukah at least.” Alfie met your gaze for a long, difficult moment before sighing.

“Fine, she can come for that, as well as David.”


	16. Chapter 16

Hannukah arrived before you knew it and you were attempting the task of wrangling the children to take them to visit Alfie. David was three weeks old at this point and Miriam was the proudest big sister there was. Whenever you took her somewhere with David, she demanded to hold something to “help out”. Sometimes it was a small bag with fresh nappies. Othertimes it was fresh outfits.

But tonight, Miriam got to carry the menorah in a box. The menorah would hold the candles every night as you lit them, adding another candle every night until the 8th night of Hannukah when all the candles would be lit. This menorah had been given to you as a wedding present from your parents and you had used it every year you had been married to Alfie. It was a simple gold menorah with a star of David in the middle. 

When you arrived at the hospital, a few nurses were there to assist in bringing everything to Alfie’s room. Miriam raced in and by some wonder, did not drop the box. “Daddy!” She blurted. “Look what I gotta carry!” 

“My my, look at you!” Alfie declared, rising out of bed to greet her. He was dressed in a simple pair of trousers and a shirt with a knitted hat concealing his now bald head. “You must’ve been real strong to carry that all the way here! Why don’t you go put it on the bed, eh, and let’s finish helpin’ Mummy.” 

“Should you be up?” You asked Alfie as he pressed a kiss on your head.

“Aye, actually, I can be.” He announced, a grin starting to form on his lips. “In fact, the doctor told me that it would be fine for me to be up and about. Said it would be good for me actually.” Your eyes met Alfie’s for a long moment before a grin slid upon your lips.

“Wonderful, in that case, hold your son.” You delivered David over to Alfie who happily took the boy, cuddling and cooing at him. You watched Alfie while you set up the menorah and got the food ready. He did seem to be doing better...perhaps...what if...he was getting better?

You didn’t let yourself dream.

That night, the four of you stood around the menorah as Miriam placed the first candle in the holder and Alfie lit the shamash, or the helper candle that would light each candle every night. You led your family in the blessing as Alfie lit the candle.

_Baruch atah, Adonai Eloheinu, Melech haolam, asher kid’shanu b’mitzvotav v’tsivanu l’hadlik ner shel Hanukkah._

After the blessing was said, dinner was served. You had put all your energy into this meal and in all the meals that would be coming henceforth. For the first night, you made potato lakhas or potato pancakes that were deep-fried and served with apple sauce. Miriam nearly ate them all but you and Alfie did manage to grab a few before she did. Next was brisket, a type of meat that was prevalent during Jewish holidays. Alfie declared that this was the best brisket he had ever eaten (though, that was what he said every year).

After the food was eaten, Alfie sat at the table with Miriam next to him and David in his arms. “Right, now, ye see this lil’ top here?” Alfie asked, holding up a dreidel for the girl to look at. “It’s got four sides, yeah?” Alfie helped her count. “And you spin it and then depending on what side it lands on, that’s how much you get to take from the pile.”

Doing his best, Alfie attempted to teach Miriam how to play the game but the girl struggled with getting the little top to actually spin which proved to be rather amusing for you and your husband. “She’s rather a stubborn little thing, ain’t she?” Alfie asked as he watched Miriam try once more to spin the dreidel without much success.

“Oh, she is and I blame you 100%.” Alfie laughed at that as you rested your head against his shoulder, savoring the moment of being close to him. When Miriam finally gave up, you brought out a few presents you had gotten. For Miriam, you had found a child’s art kit which you told her firmly not to open until you got home (she didn’t listen). 

As Miriam opened up the art kit, you went over to Alfie who was sitting on his bed, David sleeping in his arms. “I got you somethin’.” He commented when you approached, motioning to his bedside table. Inside a small drawer, you found a wrapped box. Upon opening it, you discovered a radiant Star of David necklace, sparkling in the light. 

“Alfie...it’s so beautiful.” You breathed as you took it out of the box, running your fingers over the star. “I love it so much.” Cradling David in one arm, Alfie helped you clasp it onto your neck. Neither of you commented on his shaking hands. The children and you departed shortly thereafter and returned the next night with Cyril.

You weren’t sure who was more excited: Alfie or Cyril. Cyril declined to budge from Alfie’s side and refused to even eat his dinner, wanting to stay on top of Alfie’s feet rather than eat. It proved to be a challenge to get Cyril to leave but ultimately he did. That night as you got ready for bed, Cyril was sitting on a chair in the corner, looking out the window. “You miss him too, don’t you?” You murmured as you wandered over to Cyril, scratching his ears. “I miss him so much, Cyril. I have to keep it together for the children and Alfie but I’m just...so...scared.” You wrapped your arms around Cyril’s neck in a tight hug, holding back your sobs.  
However, once you had climbed into bed, the sobs did come but so did Cyril. That night you fell asleep holding Cyril.

The next six days of Hannukah went by in a blink of an eye and it was the last night. As the menorah was lit and all the candles burned bright, your family stood together. You held David and Miriam was in front of Alfie, Alfie’s arm was around your waist and for those beautiful fleeting moments, you felt like a proper family.

As you were packing up, you slipped Alfie his present. It was a photo album, filled with pictures and drawings from since Miriam was born. Some were of the two of you, others were of Alfie and Miriam. You had included some of the shells that Miriam had brought back from your visit to Margate as well as a clipping of Cyril’s fur along with other trinkets from the past years. That night, it was Alfie who cried but unlike you...he had nobody there to comfort him.

The next time that you visited, Alfie was sitting up, unhooked from his IVs. “What’s going on?” You asked as you walked over to Alfie. Alfie’s arms reached out and clutched you by the waist, pulling you close. “Alfie!” You exclaimed as he pulled you backward, the two of you landing on his bed. “What on Earth is going on?”

“Doctors said that I can go home for a bit.” You stared at him in utter shock, unable to say anything.

You were speechless.

“Are...are you being serious?” You whispered and Alfie nodded before bending forward and dragging you in for a deep kiss. It still felt unusual to kiss Alfie and not have his beard rub against your mouth but that was the last thing on your mind. You kissed Alfie back deeply as tears began to run down your cheeks. 

“Why you cryin’, love?” Alfie asked, pulling away and brushing his thumb across your cheek. “What? Don’t want your husband back?” He teased and you rolled your eyes.

“Oh shut up, Alfie.” You declared before leaning back in for another kiss. 

Later on, when asked where he wanted to go for his little holiday, Alfie answered Margate. And so, off you went. 

The house was just like you remembered it and like before, Miriam and Alfie were out the second the car stopped, going straight for the water. You were convinced they were insane since it was still quite cold out but that was what they wanted to do. “You’ve got a very silly daddy.” You murmured to David who was now two months old.

When the two came back inside, they were indeed freezing and Alfie acknowledged that perhaps it hadn’t been the...best choice to go outside. That night, Alfie had the chance to put David to sleep for the first time and give Miriam a bath. “Are you sure you should be doing this all?” You asked Alfie as you watched him find toys for Miriam’s bath. “The doctor said you had to take it very easy…” Alfie waved his hand.

“Nonsense, I’m just fine.” He declared before depositing a rubber boat into the bathwater.

The next day, the four of you ventured into town and spent the day exploring various shops. Alfie was willing to buy Miriam anything she pointed out despite your objections. He bought you things too, just small trinkets or jewelry he thought you would like. David naturally got toys and clothes as well. You scolded Alfie about the spending but he ignored you. 

That night, after the children had settled down for the night, you crumpled onto the bed with a groan next to Alfie. “You alright there?” Alfie asked as you rolled over to face him.

“I am, just tired.” You answered, reaching out a hand and stroking Alfie’s cheek.

“I hope you aren’t too tired though…” Alfie’s lips connected to yours in a hot, passionate kiss that set your body aflame. As Alfie’s lips moved to your neck, his hand slid underneath your nightclothes, finger stroking your inner thigh until he had you whimpering his name. Alfie loved to tease you and this time was no different as his thumb rubbed across your underwear, putting just enough pressure for him to feel how wet you were but not offering you much pleasure. 

“Alfie,” You complained, toes curling as his finger traced the top of your underwear. “If you don’t get those off right this fucking second, I will murder you.” Perhaps Alfie had decided to give in or perhaps it had been your words but Alfie obliged, removing your underwear and nightclothes in a few quick movements. 

“God, I’ve missed this sight.” Alfie breathed as he looked down at you. You reached up to take off his shirt but Alfie shook his head. “Let me explore tonight.” He instructed. “I just want you to lay there and enjoy this, alright?” You nodded breathlessly as Alfie moved so he was next to you again. As he kissed you, the kiss still held passion but there was no sense of urgency, no rush to explore.

And that was what Alfie did. He explored your body, taking his time to kiss every inch of your body, lips, and tongue exploring each part with precision. When he finally reached between your thighs, it did not take long for you to get off from his tongue and fingers. As your heart slowed down, Alfie cleaned you up with such tenderness it made your heart hurt. “Goodnight, Alfie.” You whispered as you curled up against Alfie, his arm wrapped around your waist.

“Goodnight, (Y/N). I love you...so much. I’ll always love you and the children, remember that?” His voice was hardly above a whisper and you gave a soft hum, eyes closing as sleep took you shortly thereafter.

When you woke, it was just starting to get light outside. You rolled over only to find Alfie’s spot empty. Frowning, you got up and pulled on your nightgown before making your way into the kitchen, thinking perhaps Alfie had gotten up early for tea. The kitchen was dark and silent. Worry began to creep into your belly and you chewed on your lip, wracking your mind as to where Alfie could have gone.

That was when you saw him.

Cyril was sitting in front of the glass door, keenly staring outside. You joined him and gasped, pressing a hand to your lips. You recognized Alfie’s silhouette and you recognized the outline of a gun. Not thinking, you grabbed the gun hidden in the kitchen drawer and bolted out of the house. It had been ages since you had held a gun, let alone fire one but that was the least of your concern.

The cold morning air hit you like a ton of bricks, constricting your chest and making it painful to breathe. You pushed through it as you ran, bare feet tearing down the path, gun in front of you. As you drew closer, you transitioned to a walk, pointing the gun at the figure. “Put the gun down!” You called, causing both men to turn and look at you. It had become light enough now that you could see faces.

It was Alfie and Thomas. 

“(Y/N),” Alfie took a step towards you but you ignored him, gun pointed at Tommy.

“Why do you have a gun pointed at my husband, Thomas?” You asked in a cold voice. Tommy glanced at Alfie, licking his lips nervously.

“Did you not…?” Tommy asked and groaned, putting his hands up. “Fuckin’ ‘ell, Alfie! Look, (Y/N), I’m going to put the gun down, alright?” Tommy’s action was true to his word and you lowered your gun as well. “I think the two of you need to talk,” Thomas said after a moment.

“Why are you here, Thomas?” Tommy looked at Alfie again who made a small shake of his head and Tommy just groaned again.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Alfie! You told me you told her!”

“I did...in a letter,” Alfie mumbled. 

“Oh my fucking God.” Tommy breathed before turning to look at you. “Alfie wanted me to...shoot him. To end his life before the cancer got any worse.” For a moment you swore you were going to faint but then your eyes narrowed, focusing on Alfie. 

“Thomas, I think it’s best if you leave now.” You hissed and Tommy did not hesitate, leaving you and Alfie on the beach alone.

“(Y/N), I can-” Alfie began but you held up a hand.

“What? You can explain why you wanted to be shot, huh? Leaving behind your wife and two children? Just like that!?” You snapped.

“No!” Alfie’s voice began to grow louder. “That is not what I was going to say!”

“Then what were you going to say?” You yelled back before it dawned on you. “Oh my God...that explains yesterday. Buying me and the children all those gifts...why you didn’t want to make love last night since I might have ended up pregnant. The words you said last night too...all as the last things you would be doing.” Your feet moved on their own accord and you found yourself in front of Alfie. “You’re a coward!” You snarled and your hand came up, smacking him across the cheek.

Alfie had never gotten physical with you before but this time he seized your wrist, holding it in place so you could not slap him. “If you would just shut your bloody trap for one fuckin’ moment, woman, I would explain this all!” Your face showed your fright at Alfie’s words but you stayed silent. “Thank you,” he grunted. “Look, you might not want to admit it but I’m fuckin’ dying! I’m dyin’, (Y/N). Before you know it, I’ll just be a shriveled up bag of bones who can hardly breathe or do anything. Do you think this was an easy choice to make? To leave you all behind? No, it wasn’t! But I wanted you to remember me...not as an old bag of bones but as who I am now. I didn’t want you watching me turn into nothing. I didn’t want Miriam having her last memory of me be one where I’m a pathetic excuse of a human.” 

“You didn’t think about any of this, did you, huh? Or about how much pain I am in? How every movement sends pain throughout my body and how there is never a break from the pain? Did you ever think about that? No, you didn’t! You fuckin’ didn’t because all you do is think of yourself and your fucking precious little God. Well, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that God does not exist cause I still have the fucking cancer. So fuck your prayers. Fuck it all. Let me have the peace I deserve and what I want. Let me finally be at peace.”

Alfie let go of your wrist and you pitched backward, tears streaming down your cheeks. You didn’t even know what to say at that point as sobs began to wrack your body. Pitching backward again, your feet stopped when they felt a small hill and you dropped there, sobbing. Nothing was going through your mind. Nothing could be felt in your body. Everything was just numb. Your mouth was open but no sound came out. A silent scream of agony.

You felt warm arms wrap around you but you pulled away, pushing yourself backward, away from the arms. It was the touch of the last man you wanted to see. He was saying your name but you proceeded to shake your head and back up, finally stopping when your back hit a sand dune and you couldn’t move anymore. 

“(Y/N).” Alfie’s voice was quiet as he knelt in front of you. “I’m so sorry, my love. I lost my temper there.” Alfie sat down next to you but didn’t try to initiate touch. “I’m so fuckin’ scared. So terrified...I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die.” As you turned to look at Alfie, you noticed the tears that were running down his cheeks. “I want to be able to grow old with you. I want to see Miriam and David grow up. Be there for them. See them happy. I want to take them to the park and take you traveling. Perhaps to the states. I want so much more from this life...but it doesn’t look like I’ll be gettin’ it. So that’s why I wanted to end it early. To put me...and you out of this pain. This misery that we call life.” 

“I don’t know how I could go on without you, Alfie.” You choked out, turning away from him. “What would I have told the children?” You rubbed your eyes with your nightgown sleeve, closing your eyes. Perhaps this was all just a bad dream. The thing was...it wasn’t. This was life. The life you were living. You turned your head, meeting Alfie’s gaze, seeing your own pain mirrored in his expression.

“Now what?” You whispered.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which things continue to go down hill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, I'm sorry that it's been so long since I've updated this fic. Life got crazy but now I'm on break so that means time for writing!!  
> Just a heads up, there is an anti-Semitic action in this chapter.

The answer to “now what” hung in the air as you and Alfie sat on the beach. The sun had risen by now but the rays did nothing to cheer you or warm you. In fact, you were shivering. Rubbing your arms in an attempt to warm yourself up did nothing except cause Alfie to glance at you. “We should-” He began but you shook your head, lurching to your feet and wiping the damp sand from your bottom. 

“Go and get the children ready. We’re going home today.” Your voice cut through the air like a knife and Alfie physically drew back like the cowardly lion he was.

“Where are you going?” He called as you headed down the small sand dune. Alfie received no reply. As you walked along the beach, the water lapped at your toes, causing them to turn blue from cold but you continued on. What were you going to do? Everything you had known your whole life had been thrown up in the air, landing in a mess around you. A mess you couldn’t clean up. Your dressing gown blew out behind you like a cape and every fiber of your being was cold, screaming at you to go back. To go home.

“I’m not going back!” You screamed, turning to face the ocean as your face was hit with the smell of salt. “How can I go back to him after everything he said!” Reaching down, you stuck your hand into the water and grabbed a rock, throwing it as far as you could. “All I ever wanted was a good life. A good husband, loving children, friends, family. Is that too much to ask for?!” As you asked this question, you tilted your head up towards the Heavens and stared at the gray clouds overhead. “Why can’t I get a break?” You whispered, retreating away from the water.

Sitting down on the ground, you wrapped your arms around your knees, drawing them close in an attempt to keep in remaining body heat you might have left. As the waves rolled lazily upon the shore, you found yourself listening to the crashing sound they made. Unfortunately, they did not drown out Alfie’s words from earlier.

_God does not exist cause I still have the fucking cancer. God does not exist...God does not exist…_

Each wave that crashed upon the beach only seemed to make the words louder in your thoughts.

_So fuck your prayers. Fuck it all. Fuck your prayers...fuck it all. Peace...I want...I want peace...I want death._

“Stop it,” You whispered, bringing your shaking hands up to press over your ears. “Stop it, please.” You tasted something salty on your tongue. Was it the ocean water or was it your tears? The thoughts didn’t stop and continued to hit you, wave after wave after wave. Finally, you couldn't stand it anymore. “STOP IT!” You screamed, lurching to your feet and stumbling back. “Leave me alone!”

Pain shot up through your foot but you were hardly aware of that. The waves seemed to be getting closer to you the more you backed away. “Stop it, please.” You croaked as you stared at the waves for a moment longer before breaking into a run. Your feet carried you down the edge of the beach back towards Margate. The house wasn’t getting closer...but your feet were moving. You could hear the sound of them pounding against the wet sand, you could feel the coarseness of the sand below you, 

Why wasn’t the house getting bigger!?

Wait...but it was!

Stopping abruptly caused your legs to slide out from under you and you hit the ground with a painful thud. As you sat there with the water lapping at your limbs, you stared up at the house that held your family. Miriam was probably eating her breakfast, telling Alfie some outrageous story that she had created in her mind that morning. David was only a little bit over a month old now and he would need nursing. And Alfie...what would Alfie say when he saw the state of you? What would you say to him?

There were no answers for these questions so instead, you pushed yourself to your feet and trudged on despite the pain in your heel. The house arrived far too quickly now and you did your best to slip in without being heard or noticed. You might have gotten away with it if it was not for Cyril who barked, alerting the others to your presence. 

“Mummy!” Miriam called and you could hear the scrape of the chairs against the hardwood floor, knowing your daughter would be coming to find you. “I’ll be down in a minute!” You called to her before heading upstairs, moving as fast as you could and not stopping until you reach your bedroom. Shutting the door firmly behind you, you made sure to lock it before stepping over to your dresser to get changed.

Your wet nightgown slipped off your body relatively easily and as you stepped out of it, you noticed the red stain that had appeared on the sleeve. Looking down, your eyes spotted the culprit of the blood. A shard of wood had gotten itself lodged in your heel. Only when your mind connected the injury to the blood did your foot start to throb painfully. 

Biting down on your lip harshly, you did your best not to let out a sound as you hobbled over to the bathroom. It took some maneuvering but the piece of wood was removed and you were able to stop the bleeding. You needed to put this all behind you, you told yourself as you pulled on fresh clothing. You had to think of the children. Alfie could take care of himself. 

“Mummy!” Miriam cried as you made your way into the kitchen. The little girl slipped off her chair and raced over to you. “Dada make ‘ood.” She said, rubbing her tummy with her small hand before rushing back to her chair. 

“Left ye some eggs,” Alfie commented as you took David from his arms. “He’s been a bit fussy this mornin’ too. Sure it’s cause he needs to be fed or somethin’. I checked his diaper and it was dry too but I didn’t get ‘im dressed yet.” Your lips stayed pressed together as you grabbed a towel and draped it over your shoulder before freeing your breast and allowing David to nurse. Miriam chatted about this and that but your thoughts were far from her words. Alfie too seemed distracted and whenever your eyes lifted to look at Alfie, he was looking at you.

After David was fed, you burped him and then stood, Alfie, standing as well. “Stay with Miriam while she eats.” You instructed. “Get her dressed and ready to go.”

“Go?” Miriam asked, chewing her final bite of toast.

“We’re leaving today.” You announced before going upstairs to get David dressed. The drive back to Camden Town was a silent one for even Miriam seemed to sense something was off. Ollie met you at the house to take Alfie back to the hospital. 

“Where Daddy goin’?” Miriam asked as you stood at the entrance of the doorway with David in your arms. 

“Going back to the hospital.” You answered, watching as Ollie put Alfie’s suitcase in the car before you turned to see Alfie making the way down the stairs. He looked exhausted, the skin on his face pulled tight, making the dark circles under his eyes more prevalent than before. He took each stair one at a time, pain filling his features with each thud of his foot on the stairs. 

“Come give yer daddy a goodbye hug,” Alfie told Miriam once he reached the bottom of the stairs. Miriam ran over to him, throwing her arms around his legs. God, her head was almost to his knee. Your little girl was growing up before your eyes. Alfie pressed a kiss to her head before limping over to you and David. He murmured a soft goodbye to David, pressing a kiss to the boy’s head, David reaching out and touching Alfie’s chin with a soft cooing noise.

And then it was your turn.

The two of you faced each other silently for a moment before you asked Miriam to go see Ollie. The girl did as bidden, leaving you and Alfie alone. “(Y/N)...” Alfie whispered but you shook your head.

“Alfie...what you said...you insulted everything I stand for, saying that it wasn’t real...that it didn’t matter.” David began to fuss in your arms and you shifted him in your arms, looking up at Alfie. “Please, just go.” Alfie’s gaze met yours and you saw tears reflected in his eyes. Alfie leaned forward and pressed a kiss to your forehead before he limped out. 

Miriam was miserable after Alfie left but you did your best to try to carry on the best you could...but your best was slipping. No longer did you sleep for it had turned more into restless naps that, when you wake up, you found yourself drenched in sweat with no idea why. For the first time in your life, you did not light candles on Friday evening, welcoming Shabbat. Nor did you make Challah and when Miriam inquired as to why you weren’t lighting the candles, your excuse was that you did not feel well. Your struggle continued every day and you found yourself dreading the idea of waking up in the morning.

That was when you decided. You were going home. 

Miriam was thrilled to see her grandparents and your mother fawned over David, cooing and cuddling the boy. Your father took Miriam to play some game, leaving you alone with Cyril. Coming home to your old home felt like you were a foreign visitor. You knew everything ...nothing had changed. And yet, it felt like you shouldn’t be here. However, when the thought crossed your mind of returning to your other home, it was quickly shut down. 

No, this was the place you needed to be.

The first few days spent at your parents were enjoyable. Your parents adored their grandchildren and were quite happy to take them out for the day. While you appreciate the action, it left you with nothing to do. It seemed that all you knew how to do was to clean the house and take care of your children. But now that both those things were being taken care of for you...you were left with nothing.

That was when you began to wander.

The streets were as familiar to you as the back of your hand. Narrow alleys wound around each other, thin and crooked in the ancient city. As you passed various stores, you were greeted by familiar faces. Friends stopped to greet you, kissing your cheeks and commenting on how good you looked. Sometimes you wondered if they were seeing the same image you saw every morning as you got dressed; a woman with limp hair, glassy eyes, and skin that would be envied by a ghost. 

Women you had known since childhood begged you to stop by for tea and to catch up. You responded, in the same manner, every time, telling them perhaps another time. Another time when your life was not falling apart.

As the days dragged on, you found yourself wandering about with Cyril more and more, frequently at strange hours of the night. One evening your mother cornered you in an attempt to talk but you had no words to give her. She wouldn’t understand anyway. Walking outside gave you a sense of freedom and it was where you could breathe.

As you wandered, you had begun to mumble, talking to God. You did not think twice of it but the people in the town had theories and rumors of insanity began to spread. Some people blamed your husband, saying that it was his business that had done this to you. Others said that it was because of the children, that perhaps you were not a fit mother. Whatever the reasoning might be, you gave no care as to what people thought. Rumors were flying about behind your back and while you knew they were there, you didn’t care. What more could those words do to you? You had lost everything dear to your heart. What more could life take away from you? 

As the Sabbath rolled around, naturally you were expected to attend temple with your parents. Lacking the energy to say no and cause a fuss, you pledged to your mother that you and the children would be there. As you walked in through the large oak doors, your mind was flooded with memories from your childhood. Memories of celebrating and mourning. Of calmness and despair. 

Growing up, your temple had meant the world to you. It was where you made friends and met people. It was where you learned about God and the stories from the Torah. This was the place where you made a relationship with God...one that had been broken. As the rabbi prayed that evening, you stared ahead at the ark where the Torah was kept.

 _God...how could you have let this happen to me?_ The thought had plagued you since the fight with Alfie that morning on the beach. Was God not suppose to bless His people and keep them safe? You had never expected God to give you everything but you had expected to be watched out and looked after.

Not anymore.

That was gone. All gone. All that was left was an empty part of your heart that ached.

It was silent at that moment in the temple as people prayed in their thoughts. It was almost...too silent, you noticed, for even children were not uttering a word which never happened. Blinking, you glanced around the room which was when you spotted the movement outside. Before you had proper time to even comprehend what the movement was, something came sailing through the window, shattering the glass and landing on the floor. The silence was broken then as people screamed and chaos erupted. 

Another brick was thrown through the window and then another, though this one had an oil-soaked rag on it...on fire. The glass all around you was being smashed and the smell of smoke filled your nostrils. “MUMMY!” Miriam wailed, clutching your hand. Feeling Miriam’s grip made something inside your mind click and you scooped her up in your arms. 

“Go, go, go!” You yelled, pushing your parents forward with David as you all raced to the exit. “Don’t let go of Mummy, alright?” You kept telling Miriam, pressing her head against your shoulder in hopes of hiding the chaos from her. As Miriam clung to you, you kept your eyes firmly on David, focusing all your thoughts on the baby boy who was crying in your mother’s arms. _When had he gotten to be so big?_ you found yourself wondering as you were jostled about in the crowd.

When you finally broke free, the cold air was such a relief and you breathed it in, the iciness hitting your lungs like a sucker punch but you embraced it with open arms. Miriam was sobbing and God, how you wished you could join her. It seemed that Miriam was not the only one crying, nearly all the children, and many adults as well. When you turned back to the temple, you could see why. Large orange flames licked at the roof and before your very eyes, the roof of the temple collapsed with the sounds of screams with it.

“Father, take Miriam.” You directed, slipping the girl into your father’s arms. “Get them home. I want to see what else I can do to help.” The screech of sirens could be heard in the distance now as the rabbi ushered people backward, away from the flames. As you began to check on others, you heard a familiar voice call out your name. Stopping mid-sentence, you turned to see Alfie standing at the edge of the crowd, his face illuminated by the flames. Muttering something to the woman you had been talking to, you pushed your way through the crowd, frantically trying to reach Alfie.

When you reached the spot where Alfie had just been standing...you found it empty. But there it was again! Your name! This time you broke into a run, leaving behind the crowd and flames, rushing into the small woods by the street. And there he was, your Alfie, looking perfectly fine and healthy. You threw your arms around Alfie, hugging him so tightly you were almost sure that you would break a bone.

Alfie returned the hug silently, squeezing you tightly against his chest until it felt like all the air had been forced out of you. You didn’t care. Alfie was here. “I’ll find out whoever did this and I’ll make them pay,” Alfie whispered as he pressed a kiss to your head. “I’m so sorry, (Y/N). So fucking sorry. I don’t know what I said and I swear-” You cut Alfie’s justification off with a kiss. His lips were warm beneath yours and you realized just how much you had missed him.

“These past few…” You realized you weren’t sure how long it had been since Alfie had returned to the hospitals? Weeks? Months? Licking your lips, you pushed forward. “I missed you so much, Alfie.” You breathed, pressing your foreheads together. “So fuckin’ much. I never want you to leave me ever again.” Alfie let out a breathless chuckle, his blue eyes meeting yours.

“I don’t plan on it, love. Now, come. Let’s go for a walk, eh?” A smile broke out upon your lips at the suggestion and you slipped your hand into Alfie’s before the two of you wandered into the woods. It felt like old times as the two of you walked, moving slowly about in order not to trip. You told Alfie what he had missed with the children with David smiling now and Miriam coloring practically everything in sight. “I swore my mother would kill her when she saw the coloring on the wallpaper.” You admitted, sharing a laugh with Alfie then. God, how wonderful it felt to laugh.

Eventually, the day caught up with you and you realize the two of you had been walking for hours. “C’mon, let’s head back.” At this point, you have been walking on the streets so it did not take long before you were able to hail down a cab. Once you had given the cabbie the address, you leaned against Alfie, the two of you whispering like children the whole ride home.

You thanked the cabbie and paid him, waiting until Alfie was out before shutting the door. “We’ll need to be quiet since the children are probably asleep.” You whispered to Alfie as you opened up the door and slipped inside. Together, you and your husband crept up the steps and you went to Miriam’s room first. As you predicted, she was asleep but woke when you turned on a small lamp.

“Mama?” The little girl mumbled, rubbing her eyes as she turned over to look up at you. 

“Hi, honey.” You knelt next to Miriam, placing a kiss on the girl’s head. “Look who’s here?” Miriam’s eyes scanned the room and she glanced back at you.

“Who?”

“What do you mean who, you silly bean. Daddy’s here.” You said, watching as Miriam’s eyes scanned the room once more before turning back to look at you.

“I don’t see anyone, Mama.”


End file.
